The Judgement

Back in September we went to court for a big, big day. All I can really say is that everyone involved with the kids recommended that the kiddos stay with us, except for one person. Because that person did not agree we had to do a mini trial in September. If the judge ruled one way, Sweet Pea would stay but Little Man would go. If he ruled the other way, they both stay. The biggest factor here for everyone was keeping them together since they are so close as they are brother and sister and have been close their whole lives. There were even some of their family members who felt it was best they be adopted by us.

So on Monday, December 3rd, I was sitting in a meeting with my department at work. I saw my phone ring and saw it was the social worker. Then I saw she left a voicemail. We deal more with family support workers than the social worker so I got a huge pit in my stomach that this might be the call we were waiting for. I stepped out of the room to listen to the voicemail. All I heard were the magical words I had been waiting for. I listened to the rest of the message but didn't really listen. One of my peers who I am friends with, was in the conference room next to ours and I waved him over. He asked if I was ok and looked very worried. I told him it was about the kids. He got a look of panic and asked if it was good news or bad news. I gave him a thumbs up and he flashed a huge smile. I had no idea what the rest of the message said, I was shaking so bad.

I darted into a conference room and shut the door and started bawling. I could barely figure out how to work my phone in order to call Brad. I finally figured it out and called him, trying not to be hysterical. Mom and Tiff didn't answer but luckily Dad and Jessica did. I got myself back together and went back to my meeting.

On my way to a group meeting for my MBA class, I called Bob first. Bob and I had this deal since he was like 7 that when I was going to have a baby, I would call him first. While I forgot to call him ahead of my family, I made sure my first call out of the meeting was to him. Luckily he answered the phone.  I called several of my girlfriends on my way to the meeting.  And then before I went in to meet my group, I listened to the whole message. It outlined what happens next:

• The judge ruled the kids would not go home
• There was now a 15 day appeal window. I someone appeals, (which isn't expected) then it goes to the appellate court who has either 60 or 90 days to review it. She said she hasn't ever seen a case overturned. Which does not mean it wouldn't happen.
• If no one appeals, then we switch social workers to an adoption worker
• We can set a date for adoption sometime after February 4th. (This is because they have to live with us for 6 months before we can adopt them - Our 6 months is up on 2/4/13)

So for now, we wait again....with fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

Because You're Awesome

Dear Little Man,

Well, it's been quite the few weeks with you. It's kind of funny, that I wrote about your sister on day 49 of knowing her. And here I am on day 149, writing about you. I didn't wait this long on purpose. I just can't write about things until they strike me in the right way. So here we are. 

We are over 2 months in on our wait to find out what will happen with you and your sister and I'm getting a bit impatient.  You two fit in so well with us that I often have to remind myself there is a small chance you might not stay here and that you aren't ours...yet. I hate those moments of reality.

When you first moved in, you attached to Brad like glue. Anytime I asked you to do something, especially something you didn't like, you clung to him. I just kept trying to win you over, but didn't lose my firmness with you. Lately, I don't know what changed, but wow. I wouldn't change it for the world.

You used to want to snuggle up to daddy all the time. You were rarely interested in me. You would give me hugs, but not really. Every time we did something, you wanted to know where Daddy Braddy was. Although I know this could be something rooted in your past, or nothing at all, it really hurt. Alot. 

We changed your daycare soon after one of our court dates because your daycare was mentioned in court. I just didn't want to chance it. Besides, our in home provider does a great job and we knew she would teach you great things. And your daycare was quite chaotic and I was hoping to get you some quiet down time there. This of course means you are ready to run a marathon when you get home at night. What will we do when it's -30 outside?! You have done so well there. She is so good for you.

As much as I hate poop & pee, I love your adventures in potty training. You struggled for a bit and we talk about having "no more accidents", but when you say it, it comes out "NO MORE ACKIDINTS!" and you laugh and jump and grin so big. Sometimes when I ask you if you had any accidents at day care, you yell this and give high fives. When you are sitting on the potty to go poop, you sing Old McDonald. "Old McDonald had a farm E-I-O. With a moo moo here and moo moo there moo moo eveewhere."  Can you be any cuter?  I love how we practiced what to do if you have to go potty and you are at a certain place. I know, I'm a dork. But if we don't practice, I don't think I can expect you to remember what to do in the moment.

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while we are in the car?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while we are in the grocery store?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while you are at day care?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while Grandma is here? 

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

I love how you and your sister dropped our names at some point and just started calling us Mommy and Daddy. I love how when you went to visit your foster family, you told me they were your foster family because *Mom's Name* couldn't take care of you. I love how you said we were your forever family, even though we really haven't talked with you about it at all.

I love how you call my mom "Grandma Vicky" and my dad "Papa" and Brad's dad "Papa Ron". I love how you know that Jessica and Tiffany are my sisters and that "Unca Curt" is a fireman and "Papa is a police man".  You remind us literally every day when we drive nearly anywhere that there is "GRANDMA VICKY'S WORK AT THE HIGH TOWER". Why I don't have a video of this yet, it beyond me. I guess it's because I'm driving 90% of the time you belt this out. We could and sometimes do, drive by 5 times a day and you tell us every time.

And the music. Oh my, the music. If you ever read this, you will know that I really dislike children's music. Not that I want to deprive you from it; some of it's good for you. But just getting you to love music is all I really want. You and your sister love it. LOVE it.  We first started listening to I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas and you call it the Good Night song. And you totally sing it while you are on the pot. "It's gun be good good night Oooooo". You also love a much less famous song On Display by Melissa Gorga. I thought you might like it because it's repetitive with the On Display part. During the song, she sings "I'm a fighter, I'm a tiger" and so you call it The Tiger Song. And The Beatles...Oh The Beatles. I put this cover on my phone this summer and your sister asked who it was. I told her John Lennon of The Beatles, who sings Yellow Submarine, a song you both love. She asked a question about him that I can't remember now, but my answer was that he died. So now, when I ask you who is on my phone, you matter-of-factly report: "John L-L-L-L-Lennon of da Beatles and he died. And when I ask what song The Beatles sing, you say Yellow Submamine. And then your sister says All You Need Is Love and you both break out in "All you need is love, love, love is all you need".  

And there is the Call Me Maybe song. We were in Kohl's one day and it came on the overhead speaker and you started singing it right in the car. Adorable. Your favorite right now is Dirt Road Anthem, which you call The Dirt Road Song. I really  need to get videos of you singing these songs. It's too precious to not capture.

The last couple of weeks, you have been running up to me when I come home and giving me the biggest hugs. The kind where you jump into my arms and hug me, literally, with your whole self. And you laugh and jump and are so excited to see me. And you say "Mommy, mommy!" which you never did before.  You don't duck away from me, and you seek me out for hugs and snuggles. 

And then last night..You curled up next to me as we watched Elf. You asked if you could sit by me. And then put your head on my shoulder. 

And tonight. From the living room I heard you ask Daddy if I was coming in. You gave me a huge hug and asked me to sing to you. We sang the *Your Name* Is Safe song. You love that one and *Your Name Is Loved". Then I said I love you so much. And you said "I love you so much. You get big hugs" When I asked you why. You said "because you're awesome and you get big hugs". 

No buddy, you're awesome.

Mom

Today I picked up Sweet Pea from day care for an appointment. When she came out of her appointment, she very nonchalantly handed me these. When I flipped to the one that said "MOM" it took me a second to realize she meant me.

It took my breath away. My heart literally skipped a beat.

Sometime before Christmas I could be told that I will be this child's mom.

In May, Sadie made me a "Happy Foster Mommy Dad" card from our other littles. It meant the world. I never expected it.

This was different. She wants me to her mom. For real. Forever. It just looks different on paper.

When she writes it.

A Tremendous Burden

So I really have been meaning to be better about logging things about life. There are about 613 times every day that I wish I recorded, video taped, or blogged instantly about things that happen or are said in our house.  Today was a significant day for us. It was likely the last court date before the judge decides the permanency for the littles who are living with us.  Of course the goal is for us to be their forever family if they need one. The judges usually don't take more than 90 days and could rule right away. Have I mentioned I love the amount of waiting we do around here. Or not. While spending a half day (thankfully not all day) in court was significant, the conversations we had while there were more significant. It's an extraordinary experience to speak with the parents of children when those parents know if their kids don't go home, you will likely end up being their children's forever family.

What do you say to someone about how you will take care of their children for the rest of their lives? How do you provide comfort that you will do the best that you can to ensure their children have a wonderful life? How do you even begin to express gratitude when a parent says "we think we know how this is going to go and if it does, you seem like a nice family".  Saying you promise to take great care of them, if that's how this goes, and that you promise to give them a great life, it seems too small. Whether parents' relationships with their children are severed voluntarily or involuntarily, it is a tremendous burden to bear. In our situation, I feel a huge sense of obligation to do better than my best at being a parent if these kids end up a part of our forever family. Not only to we owe ourselves and these children this obligation, there are many other people connected to these little lives that are counting on us. Now, it will not always be a daily burden, but I already think of it sometimes and can only imagine how many times it will pop into my head for the rest of my life.

It was an emotional day for everyone. Listening to someone petition for you to be the ones responsible for these precious little faces is almost indescribable. Watching a mother smile through her many tears while she listens to someone describe how wonderful her kids are doing, is almost more than a heart can take.

Today I wanted to just be emotional. I held back as much as I could. My time will come in the next couple of days to just bawl my eyes out to get out all of this emotion. Today was about them. I told Brad later that for me, was about comforting the hearts of these reeling parents that if their family ends up separated, their babies will be in great hands. I promised them. I hugged them. Reassurance that there is no judgement from us; that we all have struggles in life. I wish I could have told them more. I wish they could understand how much my heart aches for them and at the same time is singing for what the future might hold for our family. I'm not bi-polar, but sometimes I think my heart is.

At least one of their family members knows we haven't been able to have our own kids. One person said they will be so happy if they end up with us because they want them to be together and think they will be so loved.....They have no idea.

Love, Mommy Andrea

Dear Sweet Pea,

It's hard to believe that I only met you 49 days ago - You only officially moved into our house 2 weeks ago tomorrow - And tomorrow I am sending you off to your first day of school.

You have been a joy in our lives in this short time: You are full of fun, wonder, and giggles. You love to color, have books read to you, play with your brother, have your hair done, repeat stories from books, call Brad "Daddy Braddy" and me "Mommy Andrea", sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Itsy Bitsy Spider when I am snuggled up with you at bedtime.

You love to blow bubbles, play barbies, play with Dani, turn on your latern or night light at bedtime, play with Sammy & Sophie, announce to me in your best authoritative voice: "There's dog poop over here! Sammy, that's disgusting!"  You love to matter-of-factly report when your brother is doing something he shouldn't be and remind me when I ask you lots of questions at dinner time: "I have to concentrate on eating!" and in the mornings ask me for approval "I wasn't pokey today was I?" You love to ask "Are we in a hurry today?"  and "I did a good job, didn't I?". I totally love that after I asked you "are you leaving me hanging" after dis-ing me during a high-five request, that now you sometimes tell us "leaving you hanging!!" for hugs, kisses, high-fives and other affections. That laugh, that huge belly laugh with the giant grin. I can hardly handle how wonderful it is....

I love tonight when you were done with your shower and were giggling with your towel on your head and I said "Why is that towel SO giggly?" and you raised it up, with the biggest smile on your face and said "It's ME, SILLY!" and you laughed so hard. And tonight when you joked that I couldn't drop you off at school tomorrow with Brad, so I said you were going to have walk the 3 miles home and you said "No! You're picking me up!".  And how you loved your first pita from Pita Pit tonight. For the record, it was turkey and provolone with lettuce and honey mustard.

Tonight seeing you play in your Kindergarten room was short but sweet - I love how excited you are for this day. I could tell you were a bit nervous even though you didn't say it.

I don't know what the future holds for you, your brother, or us. But I feel honored to be your "mommy" on your first day of Kindergarten.

Love,
mommy andrea

The Skinny

Life is busy as usual around here, but here's the skinny about what's going on around here!

• My nephew Dakota Lyle was born 1 week ago on 7/16 and I got to visit when he was 19 hours old. *sigh* love him. Doug came to the hospital - yay! My friend from Kary from high school works at the hospital and came to visit us too. Great day.

• Our house is looking much different these days - We have the beginning of a boys room and a girls room. The kiddos move in with us next Thursday. More on the transition later, but things are going well...moments are hard, but it's going as well as I think you can expect. We are making due with what we have right now, but will be replacing the beds for them as we go

• I am looking into starting the MBA program in August. I think I might be crazy. Yep. Crazy.

• I got all of my paperwork in for the infertility support group. We should  be able to start meeting in August.  I can't wait for this to get off the ground.

• Friday was a great night. Saturday was a great day...I took it off for the fun of it. Friday night we had a Pampered Chef party and hung with with friends until midnight. My new friend, Dre, who lives in Cedar Rapids came up - It was so fun. Saturday we went to the walk for the missing girls to show support - Sammy and Sophie got famous and made the Waterloo Courier. Then we manned the Alz Association booth at the farmer's market, took a killer nap, hit the College Hill Arts Festival, swung through University Book & Supply and hit up some clearance racks, grubbed at Montage, and then hung at home the rest of the time. Awesome.

• The 2 Evansdale girls have been missing for more than a week. Regardless of who took them, I can't imagine what a scary thing it is for them. I don't know them, but night is hard for me to think about them not being in their own beds, away from their families. It makes me incredibly sad for the girls and what they must be going through. I hope for their sake they are with someone they know.

Enjoy the pictures of our lives this week.

Walk For Lyric & Elizabeth

A New Place

Sorry Mike - Here I am again...

I have been dealt the harsh reality this week that I am in a new place I have never been before. That basically, I won't be able to achieve a goal I set for myself. Without moving to another job first, I won't be able to do the job I want to do. And then...It still wouldn't be a guarantee. I've always been successful at every job I've had. I work wickedly hard to be the best at everything I do -I've never not been able to achieve the next thing I wanted in my career. After years of being told "keep doing what you're doing" and "you can absolutely do that job, you just have a few things to work on", the door all but closed on Sunday.

After discussing my job and career goals again this weekend, I was told that I have a great overall picture of the business, I make decisions based on what's good for the business and people, I can develop people, and various other wonderful things I am good at. And I was also told that I make things too personal. I was told that leading at the next level, everything is so personal. When I asked if I could do the job, the answer was Yes. But I was told that I would need to have a job outside of the operation (most likely at headquarters) to take a step back in order to be successful at the next level. I shared that I have asked about the things I would need to work on for the past 3 years and this wasn't shared. I was told I've made great growth in the past year, that people see that great things I'm doing -- When I asked "then what good was all of that doing...where is all of that leading" I was told we'd need to talk about it next weekend.  I was upset because when I wanted to go to HQ, I got strong armed into going to Iowa to this new building because they were having trouble getting people to move here. Now that I can't go to HQ, I'm told it's pretty much my only hope in getting to the level I want to lead at, and even then, it would be no guarantee.

I shared I didn't want to move departments and was told I could stay there quite a while. When I asked if I could get to the next level from my current job, I was told "it's not impossible". Yikes. That pretty much sounds like "Snowball's chance in hell". I told my boss I guess I had decisions to make and he said I didn't have to. I told him, I want to lead at the next level and no one gets to that job by doing 5 or more lateral moves (I'm on my 4th lateral move) and he didn't say anything - he just looked at me. (His blank look = Yeah, pretty much) I told him I guess now I see the writing on the wall and and I asked why no one has told me this in the last 3 years. Because I've always been told I could achieve this goal, if I worked a few things. So why now when I'm apparently being so successful, is this happening? He said his opinion, no one wanted to tell me because they didn't know what my Plan B was. Really infuriating given I have said many times, if that job isn't for me, just tell me so I can focus on something different. But I was always told it was achievable if I worked a few things. And even though the carrot was still there, the nail really went in the coffin for me when this was said: "things are personal to you and you'll never be able to turn that all the way off."

   

So I guess the door is closed. I guess my passion, high standards, and honesty aren't a good fit. It's hard not to think I have wasted 3 years. Especially 2 years ago when that one person made my life there a living hell and I really wanted to walk away because it was so awful.

It hurts. It really hurts. I really feel like I've been used.  Another thing I really hate about this - I actually really like my boss. I've always thought all of this was coming from others in the group, because I had 2 bosses before him. He's just the only with the guts to be honest with me.

So I am looking around now for the door that opened, when this door closed.

The One Minute Career Changer

So last week I went to see Linda, who I am now just calling my life coach - That's pretty much the role she plays in my life these days. During our hour, I caught her up on what's been happening with us, and boy there was a lot. During my discussion with her, I shared with her my talk with my boss and former boss and she straight up asked me a pointed question about why I haven't gotten the job I want. She basically has an opinion about why it hasn't worked out and I agree with her I mentioned what I told my boss about not getting my master's degree unless I was preparing to teach business classes and it was required. She stopped and her jaw dropped open.

Linda: I've never heard you speak of teaching before!
Me: I don't talk about it much because it's something I envision doing at the end of my career, after a long stint in the business world.

Linda: You need to go get your master's degree. (I think my eyes bugged out of my head.)
Me: Are you crazy? I am busier now than I have ever been. With kiddos going and coming, my work with Alzheimer's Association, Undoing Racism, and my upcoming work with a local civil rights activist and a Resolve support group on the horizon, I would go crazy!
Linda: You can totally do it. You'll be glad you did. And why not teach now?

Hmm. I never thought about pursuing it now. I figured I need a zillion years of business experience to teach.

Rewind: This desire of mine came about while I was in college. I LOVED all of my business and communication classes and several of them were so useful in the real world. One professor in particular taught great work about resumes, interviewing and lots of other useful topics. The minute I got out of her classes and got promoted at work to supervisor, I realized that I wanted to teach things that she did. Lots of people need some guidance on these topics! I have always helped family and friends with resumes, cover letters, interviews, etc. and Brad has told me before that I should start a small business doing this. In my spare time, of course.

Me: You know, I have reconnected briefly a couple of time with my favorite professor from UNI. I recently volunteered very briefly at a program she directs called the Professional Readiness Program . I didn't know anything about the program before I went to talk to students about interviewing, internships, etc. I loved what I saw. But Linda, this is like a pipe dream, I don't have nearly enough experience and I'm not nearly accomplished enough.
Linda: (as she almost rolls her eyes) You have plenty of experience and you have accomplished a lot. Just dip your toe in it.
Me: Ok, I will at least look (in my most skeptical, I'm not even nearly qualified to start a conversation about this, voice)

So the next day, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I checked out UNI's MBA program and it seems the new format they use is right up my alley. I also sent an email to that professor about my "pipe dream"; excerpts:

I am sending you this seemingly random email in hopes of running 

some things by you and gaining some advice.... I have a few questions around what graduate program would be appropriate, could I be involved with you and your programs...I feel like you would be a fantastic mentor for me. If some of this is a pipe dream, well, that's ok, too. :) I'd like to at least talk about it and who knows, maybe I can still be involved with the university and your programs in other ways. 

The same day, I got a reply. I almost couldn't open it. I was afraid of what she would say. Excerpts:

Andrea, Let's do talk!!  The educational path has a lot of options, 

and you might not be ready to decide yet..... But, in the meantime, 

I really could give you some work in the PRP program!  

Well, that's a start! At a minimum, I'd love to be involved with this program. I have done other mentoring, workshops, etc for this kind of thing. To do anything at UNI would be amazing. Every time I go there, I just love it. So one week from today, I have an appointment at UNI to talk about my dream. How cool is that?

Labor

Some people have joked me that we won't be having 9 months of preparation that other parents get when they know they are having a child. They say we might have 9 minutes! Well, even with the last ones we had at least a few days.

I realized today though, during this most recent journey, we definitely aren't going through 9 months of preparation and hours of labor. However, it seems we might go through days, weeks, and maybe months of labor. We hopefully will know more this week where this newest journey is taking us, but it appears that the next few days and weeks especially will be full of transition and in it's own right, labor. This week has been emotionally and mentally exhausting...It's a lot to think about how to integrate kiddos into your house, your family and your life. It's a special kind of challenge when the kiddos are even older, as these little ones are. They have actually  had some routine and some structure for the past 8 months so they have habits, routines, things they are used to in daily life.We have spent a few visits getting to know them and their routines and they have spent time getting to know our life and our routines. At this point, they don't know where this is leading - They just know we are friends and that we were watching them the past couple of times they have been over.  Today they were over nearly all day. They spent lunch and dinner here and even took naps really well. We didn't get to play outside much since it was 100 degrees today and it was a sweat fest just walking outside. We did drag out nearly every toy in the house and found a few that we hadn't even opened yet.

When I dropped them off we talked about them spending the night on Friday night and being with us all day Saturday. She said "Yes!!" Wow. Smile. While I am excited, I am still freaking out on the inside. We have nothing for kids this age, including a bed for the little guy. So this week's part of  labor: switching the big bed to the other bedroom, finding him a bed and then moving the baby & toddler stuff to the basement since we won't be needing it for a while.

I talked to their current family tonight about my concerns about their transition and feeling like I'm going to be pulling them away. They told me not to worry - They think with lots of visits they will do really well and that they have been so flexible so far and it won't be as bad as I fear.  They told me once we talk to their worker and we decide for sure this is what we want to do they will start talking about their "forever family". I shared with them that something would have to be significantly wrong for us to say no to any kiddos who came to us. They joked that their worker will pin us down and ask Yes or No: are you a permanent family option? I told them, our answer to her will be Yes.

A few things I want to remember about this part of our journey:
They went outside with us to say goodbye to my parents and wave at them as they drove off on their motorcycles.

He hated the 2 flies that have taken up residence in our house. One buzzed his ear: "Owie...Go away bug!!"

When he went to lay down for his nap, he got up twice, turned the light on but went down well when Brad told him it was time for naps. After his nap, " I took a really, really, really, really, really, big nap!"

They wanted to know what was downstairs because they hadn't been yet. We toured the basement and then they decided "the next time" they came over, we would play with some of the other toys.  That made me smile a little..that they thought there would be a next time.

As I was driving them home, I asked what the favorite part of the day was. She said it was playing in the mini ball jumping pit that we blew up in the living room.

As we were driving, we went over rumble strips: "Why does your car do that?". I explained that it was so we knew the stop sign was coming up. She asked where the stop sign was. By this time we had stopped and gone past it while we were talking, so she wanted to know when the next one was coming. I told her it would be a while, but we would go through several stoplights. As we got to the next one, I told her it was coming up. "Ok! Everyone quiet so we don't miss the next one!".

They both love dill pickles - Yep, we are going to get along just fine.

I Get By

So on Thursday night we went to visit the littles at their current home. Their current home is full of nice people who have done a great job of raising them the past several months. Really great. We took Bob and Dani with us as they were hanging out with me Thursday and Friday. We all played around in the backyard and I talked with their current mom about their beginnings, trials, progresses, successes and future needs. We talked about likes, dislikes, discipline, progress, good times and tough times. We talked about what led them to the extremely difficult decision to let them go versus add them to their own family forever.

It was a low key visit; about an hour and a half, playing kick ball, piling up rocks, throwing frisbees, and zooming around on riding toys.  When we left noone in the car really said anything; Even though I was a little frozen and overwhelmed I said, "What do you think". Brad said, "I think definitely yes". On the other hand it wasn't so easy for me. I felt the same as when we visited our first littles, like I was somehow test driving a car, which I absolutely hated. They deserve so much more than that. Their current mom said to call her the next day and let her know what we thought after talking it over.  Brad reminded me, "We said we would only say no to kiddos if there was a significant concern, right?". Yes.  So in his mind we were already on our way to a done deal. But for me these life changing decisions have to be talked out, even if we have already decided and are on the same page. Why? I have no idea. I'm just complicated. I guess it helps me ensure we are asking the right questions and are truly on the same page. I was excited, but terrified. Of a transition. Of upsetting them by moving them in the future - Who wants to break a little's heart? My nerves were calmed a little when I realized that the oldest calls current dad "Dad" to talk to him, but uses his name to talk about him to other people. Current mom also said oldest is questioning if she will be staying there or living somewhere else. Somehow I find this more comforting, that she doesn't think she is going to stay there forever and I'm not ripping her away quite as badly.

So Friday I talked to current mom again and she offerred to drop them off and leave them to see how they would do. She dropped them at 5:30 and they ate dinner with us (Charity, Dave, Dani, Bob, and Kelly were over for grilling), we played inside and then after dessert we played in the front yard (since the grass is shorter and was therefore drier, after the rain). We played kickball, frisbee, catch, football and ran around the yard.  When current mom and dad came to pick them up, they of course ran to them, which was so internally hard for me. But when they asked if they had fun and wanted to come back -- YES!. Oh, and they loved Sammy and Sophie, which is a huge win.   Their worker comes back from vacation at the end of next week and we should know much more then; She has to sign off on us.  We still also have a couple of legal hurdles to jump if she approves.

So, they will be back to visit us on Wednesday for the holiday for nearly an entire day. I am so excited  - And I think easing into these visits are as much for me at this point as they are for them. Luckily I have the most understanding husband in the world who is ok that I need time to process all of this.  It's what I want, but I have to walk through all of the questions, the answers, the thoughts, the concerns, the joys all in my head. I also have amazing friends and family. I don't know what I would do without all of you. It's so comforting how our joy is your joy, our worries and thoughts are yours. Noone ever tells me how I should feel, but supports and encourages in exactly the right way. I have an amazing life - And John Lennon said it best:

Another Beginning

The End of The Beginning.
The week of June 10th was stressful. I took the weekend off and went to the Chevelle concert in Cedar Rapids with Brad - That was wonderful & awesome & just great to be us.

Monday I had to ditch my vacation day because we got our annual surprise assessment at work and I own it for our department. So in I went - that had it's moments and at times it sucked.

Tuesday I had to go back in for the rest of the assessment & then leave at 1:00 for court. Brad met me there.  We had attended a meeting the previous week at so we knew how this was all going to end. We actually knew it from the 2nd week they were with us. But we knew it was still going to be hard. I was ok that day, until the judge said what was going to happen with little man. And his mom cried. It was the first time I'd seen her cry. She was so happy. Then he said it about big girl. And she cried again. Then I got tears. I knew in my heart it was the right thing, but we knew it was going to be hard anyway.

I had asked her if we could keep them on Tuesday night and someone who wanted to visit them from early in their lives came over to play and see how they were doing. Charity and Dave also came over to say goodbye. I was ok until Charity hugged me and said "it will be ok, momma". I held it together long enough to put them to bed. Big girl put her head on my shoulder and rubbed my back as I sang to her. Twinkle twinkle didn't get finished - I couldn't get it to come out.

Then we closed their doors and went to the couch. I started picking up the toys strung out all over the floor and it came with such force, I couldn't hold it back. It wasn't a crazy sob, but I just cried. I picked everything up and cried the whole time. Brad hugged me and I melted. I packed up all of their stuff and cried the whole time. Just one of those good cleansing cries.

Wednesday I spent my whole day in an intense diversity workshop (just because I wasn't already exhausted enough) and then headed straight to daycare and picked up the kids. I met mom for drop off and she asked if she could take me up on my offer of watching them on Friday because daycare didn't start until Monday. So they came back on Friday and we got to spend one more day together.


They will never know the impact their little faces, personalities and progress had on us. They are such a wonderful part of our lives (even though they drove me crazy some times, just like any kids!) and we will be forever grateful for what they taught us. They showed us how to unconditionally trust - how do you just get moved into someone's house and trust them like they did with us? They taught us about how this entire process works, that I'm not a stay at home mom :), that I have limits much farther than I ever dreamed, that I really, really, truly could raise my own baby (I really had doubts I could get everyone out the door on time!), that I could actually get more busy than I already was, and most of all it doesn't matter what happens if you have someone who loves you.  When they left they had been so happy, so loving, so different than when they came to us. All of us working together, including our friends and family, made a world of difference in their lives that was amazing to watch. Mom has said she will stay in contact with us, so I can't wait until I can see them again.

Them coming to us was the beginning of our journey. Them leaving was the end of that beginning. At this point, we are all in.


Another Beginning
I got an email before our little houseguests went home from one of their previous families. The mom said they might need our help this summer as there was a little boy who may come to them long term. Sure, I said. No problem. They have been a help to us, so absolutely. Then last Friday she called and said something changed and they may not be able to take him and wanted to know if they could pass on our information. Of course, I said. I had been thinking about him off and on over the past two weeks. On Friday night, our licensing worker and I were texting to set up a meeting. She said there were a couple of kiddos who may be needing someone and I told her to keep us in mind.

Monday at work I got a call from Iowa KidsNet about those two kiddos she told me about. Obviously I can't say much, but what I can say is : they are a boy who turned 3 a couple of months ago and a girl who will be 5 later in the summer. I received a picture of them and oh my gosh; they are adorable. We are going to meet them tonight. If we all decide this will work out, we would transition with visits increasing and be totally moved in within 4-6 weeks. She will start school this year - can you believe we would have a school age sweetpea? I can also say, they are farther in the process than our previous guests were so we should know in a couple of weeks what their future will hold.

I'll be honest. I am so excited. But I didn't totally freak out this time when I got the call. I will post about that day at some point - I never want to forget the hilarity of that first day I got a call. I answered the call at work, returned calls, emailed Brad, all without missing a step, as if it was part of my day. I had envisioned at some point in the future we could field calls like this, calm, cool, collected and base decisions on what we can do for kiddos. I seems I was able to master than by the time the next call came. It was our 5th call overall, and yes, I'm going to keep track. (We will likely not get a call about the little guy now, as we have been "matched" with these guys.)

I'll be honest again, I am also totally freaked out. I don't know anything about the school system yet. I wasn't really planning on doing this until later. School starts in our neighboorhood, in let's see...8 or 9 weeks. I guess that's enough time. I have no idea what I'm doing. If it was kids we had raised since birth, you get to lead up to this time; you know the child, their behaviors, their reactions, their fears, and what comforts them and can use all that to have some sort of plan for how you all handle school starting. While will get info, you never know how it will go until you all jump in.

I am also nervous about them being attached the family they live with. I have visions of it being a very difficult transition. I feel like I could take on another 8 month old and 18 month old and know what the heck I'm doing, but we are entrying new territory here. Luckily, we have friends with children this age and my niece and nephews are super close in age.

So before I get ahead of myself, we go tonight to meet them. We'll be introduced just as the parents' friends who are just over to visit. But I'm alreay having trouble controlling my emotions. Brad knew I was sucked in the minute I saw their pictures. I have dreams. Big dreams. Big, big dreams.  I know if they come, it will be hard and scary for all of us. If they are to be a part of those dreams, I can't wait to start the journey.

If you know me well, you know I have always had a great love for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. And this is one my favorite quotes. It has given me courage since I got the call on Monday to trust again, that everything will turn out just like it is supposed to.

Grouchy Smurf

Starting in the middle of last week, I had a headache that would not go away. I was pretty sure it was coming from the back of my neck and spend time stretching, etc to try and help it. Saturday I ended up leaving work 4 hours early. Along with this headache I have felt like THE biggest grouch and I have no idea why. Two weeks ago I landed in a pretty confident place with my job and where I might be going in the future so I feel like that was the biggest obstacle I was having. Since the end of last week - yikes - I just can't shake this. Everything seems to just plain tick me off. I got an adjustment on Tuesday and my neck was really jacked up. Yet, yesterday, I saw a work email that really just set me off. Without going into a long, drawn out story, it's just one of those things I have been talking with people about for two years - I guess it boils down to the fact that I actually have expertise in this area and yet I get, what feels like blown off nearly every time I talk about it and how we could do better at it. I think it reinforces the fact for me that I will likely not be at T forever, because the leadership in our building does not utilize the talents I have - Only the ones they want. And my boss, whom I really like, won't be there forever - So while we have a really good team right now, one of the only things that keeps me sane, the team will eventually be broken up. So, at bed time night, I was still ticked - I just want to smack people in the head sometimes. And even when I woke up this morning - yep, still in the funk. We have even have some really cool things happen over the last week - My friend Dulany and his wife Kari were in town and came over for dinner on Friday and last night we went out with some friends, Seth and Whitney, to one of our favorite local restaurants and Tuesday night, Brad and I went to another one of our favorite restaurants...And yesterday I got to spend time with Amanda and Christy doing some couponing, which was great to get done and great to catch up wtih them.

I think part of it is that I really have been hating working weekends lately. I really don't get time to enjoy with Brad and go exploring and do things that we LOVE to do. This is what I hate most about working weekends. We get to do some fun stuff - we have traveled recently, twice and we spend about an hour together every night, but on our travels, it's never been just us and the hour at night seems the tip of the iceberg to me most of the time.  I am taking next weekend off so we can spend 2 days together before the next round of little ones comes to us. Speaking of that, the little ones don't seem to set me off, so at least that's good. :)

It's kind of funny that I had an appointment to see my counselor yesterday, but she had to reschedule. I love going to see my counselor just to have someone to help me walk the journey of life - she's kind of like a life coach for me right now. My appointments with her always seem to come up right when I need them to verbally process what's in my brain, but yesterday I didn't get to go.

And one thing I haven't really talked much about is that a friend of ours contacted us about an amazing, wonderful, selfless gift. We have talked about it some, but only when I bring it up. I think Brad thinks we are at our final decision about it, because we were almost already there about the topic (I can't/won't/don't want to yet share what that was) so I think he's like, ok done. I think for me, I just really haven't gotten to verbally walk through the steps and talk through getting there. I HAVE to talk through stuff, I can't usually  just be "ok, done" with major life decisions - I want to talk about the options, why we feel like we are there and just confirm we're on the same page and good to go. Maybe it's that I've been holding that's making me feel this way.

Whatever it is, I hope I figure it out soon and it goes away! Grrrr.

One Minute Writer: Running

Today's Writing Prompt: Running

What are you running toward, and what are you running from?

I am running toward fulfilling my purpose in life. As with most people, finally in my 30s, I am figuring out why I was put on this planet. I am narrowing down my passion to help others into a few distinct areas and leave the legacy I want on this planet. The more I get involved, the faster I feel myself running and I feel a bit like this dog with the big giant branch in his mouth...happy, happy!

I am running from mistakes of the past. Not that I would erase them, I just really want to make sure I learn from them the 1st time and don't make them 2nd, 3rd or more times.

One Minute Writer: Illogical

I love the One Minute Writer - I don't participate in her writing prompts nearly enough.  Here is today's prompt and my answer:

Today's Writing Prompt: Illogical

In what way are you most consistently illogical?

The way I am most illogical is how often I strive, really strive, to relax, breathe and just take in the moment. But in the moment I am trying to take it in, my brain starts thinking about all the things I could be doing and taking on. And then I take on more, and then I try to relax more, then I take on more...and, well, you get it.

The Two Week Wait (Not the one you're thinking)

This two week wait is not related to infertility, the one that couples must endure over and over. Well, I guess in a way it is related for us. This is the one where we find out what is next for our little house guests. It's likely on Tuesday 6/5, we will learn the next step for them is to leave us and go on to other things. While I am happy for them, I will be sad to see them go. We know there is an extremely high likelihood they won't be staying here, even temporarily. We have really known this from the beginning, and I think it does make it a little easier that we have been preparing ourselves for this from the beginning, but I will be sad. The plan is for us to stay in touch and I really hope that's the case, because it breaks my heart and makes me happy at the same time that the little guy won't even remember he was here.

Have The Courage!

So often the words you hear from me here are obviously sad and dreary, but I really; I do have a great life! I just find this a great outlet for my crappy days.  So how about we talk about some positives this time around. I have one potentially life changing thing that is positive, to talk about.

I have been frustrated at my job for a while. I love the job I currently have, however, it's not what I want to be when I grow up. I want to lead people to doing greater things...lead leaders, develop people, lead people to winning. I've done it at this level for such a long time and I've always wanted to do the next level. I've been at T for 6 years and I LOVE the culture, the company, etc, but I want to do the next level. Not to get promoted, not to make more money, but the job I want to do, just happens to be a promotion.  I keep getting asked, how would you like to do "this" job? It's always a lateral move...there's always some thing to fix, or some "great thing" I can bring to the next position. But here's the problem: I'm tired of being seen as the task queen for the next job. The leaders around me see me as a project person....Which I love to do those types of things, however, doing them from a cubicle without any action, is not where my heart lies. It's another long story, but it frustrates me that they don't even know that, because they should. So, I've been in my job for 18 months, waiting for the process/system to work yet again. I believe that if you do a good job, doors WILL open for you there. I've seen it many time before. But I never get a conversation about going to the next level (unless I want the one that goes to MN). I'm not sure how many times I have to repeat that MN isn't an option right now, but apparently it's 5 million times.  My boss talked to me again a few weeks ago about the next job they see me doing, as I've been in my job 18 months, the time they typically start moving you. I told him again, I don't think that's what I want to do, even though I could do the things he is asking. (Now you should know, I love my boss, but these kinds of moves come from the group of leadership discussing what we should do next, it's not just his decision). Any (another story) I've had to wear off my reputation that my stint with tyrant created. But geez, is that wiped out yet? The real issue here is I have 2 big questions that I can't really ever get an answers to: #1 Is there some reason the leadership team doesn't see me leading at the next level (because oodles of people around me feel like that's my next step, so I must not be completely crazy). Because if not, that's ok. Just tell me and I'll find another path.  #2 If I can lead at that level, what are the gaps I need to fill? (Because tell me know so I can work on them - I asked this a year ago from my other boss and he couldn't come up with much).  I've been assuming this whole time that I must be lacking something and that's why they haven't looked at me in that light before. And then a conversation happened....

About a week and a half ago, my boss and I were having this conversation on a Sunday about what I was going to work on next. I mentioned that I don't feel like I have some glaring problem to work on for the first time in my career there. And he said something about it feeling great to be there. I felt like that was my open door. I told him people would think I'm insane for not jumping at the MN opportunities, however, Brad and I can't move right now and we aren't even sure if that's what I'd be happy doing. He said that doors would open for me there that I didn't even know about if I went there. While I agree, my gut says, don't do it...So you know me -- Not Gonna Do It.

So let me fast forward and recap -- I asked my boss why I couldn't do the next level - He said he thinks I can. I asked him what are my gaps. He shared with me he thinks I need to be more confident. We talked about how the tyrant phased shredded my 29+ years of great confident and how coming back from that has been challenging. He shared he thinks I need to lead without authority. I asked him how leading our department wasn't doing just that. How was "all the great things you're doing with the weekend group" not exactly that? He didn't really have an answer. And then I said it. What I've been afraid to say since I realized it about a week before:

I want to do your job. And if I can't do it here,

 I'm going to go somewhere where it is a fit for me to do it.

I don't WANT to leave T. I really do love it. But this level isn't what I want to do.  I'd stay in my building to do it and keep my involvement with the community - I love how I can connect our community to the resources my company has. But if staying at this level and making the merry go round of positions is what they see me doing, then I don't really want to do stay on the ride.  I have more to offer and I can do it. My boss and I talked about how my ideal position in life would be at the Red Cross or something as a kind of operations or general manager coordinating the chaos. Leading leaders while giving back. I love it. He told me he thinks I will be doing something like that some day - it would be perfect for me.  

He made me list what kind of leader I want to be and what kind I don't want to be. He said the things on the "don't want to be" list, people don't think those about me. And he told me to do more of the things I want to be known for. When I told him, I would love to, but we have to be real that there are lots of tasks that come along with my job. I told him, I get so many projects and so many tasks because people know I can do them and I'll do them well, so it locks me down to not be able to lead as much as I want. - He told me - then screw them - just lead people. And Done. That's all I needed to hear.  So we'll see what happens. 

We also had a conversation about master's degrees. I told him I will never go back to get one, well...under only one condition. If I could have the opportunity to teach at a college level I would do it. I could see the end of my working career ending there. I said, I will NOT go get it because people think I will be more promotable - I have more than displayed my abilities. And if they don't match leading at T, then I will go somewhere they do. He said "Why haven't I seen this part of you?!" I told him it's amazing what happens when you have conversations about what gives people energy instead of about what you think they want to do! 

The next day, I had a meeting with my former boss from the tyrant phase...And we had the same discussion. and guess what. When I asked my two questions, here were his answers: #1 You could absolutely do that job. #2 I don't see any gaps right now. Confirmed. My assessment that our leaders need to get out and know people better is confirmed. I may have convinced my boss a little more that I am ready to do his job and my former boss thinks I could do this job. We will see what happens. The thing I know for sure is: The needle is moving. I'm tired of waiting around for other people's opinions of me to come to fruition and feeling like it's the wront thing. I hope great changes are ahead -- And if it's at T, great! I will be very happy. If not, when that ridiculously awesome opportunity comes knocking, I'm taking a risk and I'm going -- And I told them that's my plan. I guess we'll see where I end up. And p.s. my amazing husband is 100% on board with my crazy plan. I just love him.

Season of My Life

I have missed blogging terribly but have really been in a state of what can only be best described as unrest. I am clearly passing through what Fleetwood Mac sang about as the "seasons of my life". The past couple of months have been filled with so much emotion and internal anxiety for me that I often long for those quiet moments where I can just be.

The branches of my life that drive my anxiety are several - my job, the future of my job, my deep down desire for what I want my career to be, my legacy in this world, our house guests, our future children, our infertility journey and my intense desire to help people, give back and be involved in our community and even my blog.

I pondered why I blog and whether or not it's worth the time, because in actuality, with Facebook around these days, I often wonder if it's necessary or if it's read regularly. I used to be a faithful blogger, every couple of days and I loved it. I loved going back and reading what I wrote and remembering where I was mentally and emotionally and seeing how much I have grown since my old posts. I started the blog originally so I could keep all of our friends and family in Iowa updated on what we were doing in Virginia. Then FB came along and it seems we all keep up to date that way. So I've been doing some soul searching about whether or not this is something I want to spend my time on. I came close to a complete answer. Facebook helps keep friends up to date and helps me stay connected to people - I truly love that aspect of it. But I also have always had a diary of some kind and always LOVE going back and reading it. Some of the vacations, etc we have been on I also want to remember, but I don't think posting everything/every picture is what I want to do either. So what I've decided on is this: This blog will go back to being my diary that it was in the beginning - About things we are doing, but mostly how I'm feeling about the things we are doing, what's going on in the world, etc.  Sometimes that might be vacations, our foster parenting journey, or just musing in life because this brain RARELY shuts off and I always have something churning up there. Mostly my thoughts will selfishly be for me, but I love when others read and comment, too. That's a super big bonus.

“If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” 

― Benjamin Franklin

Career woman - I have been contemplating alot lately about what I want to do. We never really considered we'd be moving back to Iowa, we always thought our move back to the midwest would take us to Minneapolis. I have been asked several times if I want to take a job there next and have even been asked by people leaving positions if I would be interested in them throwing my name in the hat as their replacements. As a person who has always been in the game of self development and taking on the next logical challenge in my career, it's been extremely hard to put the brakes on this while walking the foster parenting journey. I have given many, many good, full speed years to my career and 6 of them to T. I know in my heart and gut that it's the right thing to be ok taking a break from full speed ahead and focus on family - This is the right time for us and we are surrounded by all the right people. And honestly, everyone at work as been unbelievably supportive of our journey and encouraging all the way. I have worked places before that this would not have been as "easy" from a work perspective. It also helps that several people I work with have faced or are facing infertility, miscarriages or other family planning obstacles, too.

There's no question that I want to continue my career and I am not considering leaving it - It's in my blood - I am not the stay at home type (at least at this point in my life). I don't how SAHM or single moms do it. They are saints in my book. The questions I have to answer here are several and are hard for me to answer. There were several bumps in the road at my work when I got back here that have possibly (I believe) taken me out of the running for the job that I actually want - A job where I would get to lead leaders. (It's a long story, but is somewhat chronicled in old posts if you want to dig). I can wait here and keep trying for this job that may never be mine, move to Minneapolis to take a job that's a step up (now or sometime in the future) and that I would be really good at, but isn't really what I want to do forever, I can leave and go somewhere locally where I can lead leaders like I want to, or I can stay in the job I'm in for the next year or so. (Usually they move your positions after 18 months and there's not alot of things I want to do in our building. I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize. It's what I do. While my soul isn't completely settled, I have decided for the time being this: The job I have right now allows me to do some amazing things. I belong to a local advocacy group called Cedar Valley Citizens For Undoing Racism that is trying to get off the ground. I have volunteered to be the resident website creator and ongoing webmaster. I am able to attend the meetings and help shape how the organization is coming together. (remember "I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize.") Being the webmaster is something I can do any time of day and while we have house guests I can't be flexible in other ways, but can give back in this way. And at the meetings I try to add some direction for organization.

The bottom line is that I really would love to have a job where I can help people - Think directing/leading at the Red Cross or something similar. The problem is I really love where I work. I love the chaos, the adventure, and what I do. But it doesn't really help anybody. But it always me to help people. It provides access to people, events, and organizations that allow me to give back. And the professional flexibility to follow this foster journey. This job allows me to help connect the company with organizations and activities in our community. Not to mention I got to go to UNI yesterday and mentor/advise students, which I also love.

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”

- Buddha

I (we) have decided that staying here right now allows me to have a great job with a great company and give back and allows us to continue fostering and hopefully build our family. I would love to stay in the department I am in now for another year or two and hopefully I will get to. If I change, there is one area I have my eye on if I can't stay in this department. Some people would say I'm crazy for not taking advantage of the opportunities that could await me in MN, however, we really feel like the right thing for us right now is to build our family and try and spend more time with our family that's here. It's a total catch-22 because if we lived in MN I would have weekends off and may actually get more time with my family here. Right now I work Saturday - Monday and usually Wednesdays, too. That weekend schedule does nothing for me getting to see my nephews and nieces. Pretty much I love and hate having this fork in my road at all. I love that others see what I do as valuable and that they like working with me, but right now is the time build our family and I wish I could just be happy with that and stop going back in forth in my ADD brain. While all of this is going on, I question whether I should try and go for the "leading leaders" job. Pretty much the events of 2 years ago have all but eroded my confidence in doing that role. And I'm not convinced the people who would be my peers want me to do that or even could see me doing that role. And I hate both of those things more than I can say.

Brad and I also attend monthly foster parent support group meetings. The meetings are partially for training and partially to grow your network of foster parents in case you need support, respite, or whatever. It takes longer to coordinate who will watch the munchkins that it does to go to the meetings sometimes, but we make the time. We really enjoy going to these meetings as they are beneficial and always expand our small amount of knowledge about foster parenting, the courts, the process, and our community. (I guess foster parenting is a way to help our community, too, although I don't often think of it that way. I just think of it as something we do to help children, families, and as a bonus, fulfill our desire to be parents and hopefully lead to building our permanent family. But I guess helping children and families is actually giving to the community - I just don't always take a step back to see it that way.) The family we are helping now has expressed thanks to us for all we do and that makes it worthwhile on the days it can be the most hard. We also get really good feedback from all of the people we work with so this is pretty much the only thing in our lives right now that I'm completely content with. This is what we are supposed to be doing.

Having said that, our house guests will likely not be staying come June. We don't know anything for sure yet and what I do know, of course, I can't share.  It's great to see things work out and see families back together, but my heart is starting to break, I'm not going to lie. The house guests will be gone this weekend for the first time since they came to our house and I'm dreading the drop off in 1.5 hours. I know it's the right thing, but this week I wasn't ready to handle all of this...

Doctor - (warning - some discussion about girl parts here) The reason it's a bit overwhelming this week is I went back to the doctor. The doctor with all of the pregnant people milling around. The doctor with millions of pictures of moms with their babies on the wall. When you are walking this road, you can't help but feel like a total failure when you walk in and around that office. It's no one's fault. It would be that way at any doctor of that kind. The doctor shared that there is really no limit on how long I can take the medication or do IUIs, but the probabilities go down after you have had 6 IUIs that you will get pregnant that way. For some people it becomes more financially feasible to try IVF (which is really the next method) if they are going to do a high number of IUIs. So the doctor wrote me a prescription for 4 more months (we have done 2 IUIs - It would probably take us about 6-7 months to actually get our 4 months in) I should  be excited, right? And, not so much. And I feel a bit guilty about it. It's an embarrassing process, it's difficult logistically at times and deep down in my heart, I'm not that hopeful. A reasonably big part of me wants to forgo this and just try on our own and if it happens, great. If not, well, I feel I can be at peace with that. I just don't know if I'm ready to go through another year of disappointment. I just can't help wonder if we should stop going down this road because it's not the road we are supposed to be on. Should we be focusing more on the fostering and adoption route?

I would adopt 10 kids if I could and Brad knows I'm only partially kidding when I say that. I would love to love, mentor, nurture, and provide a home to as many as we can possibly handle, no matter what the age. I know it would be incredibly hard. But my gut is pulling me just like it pulled me to move to Virginia. And when my gut speaks, I listen. I have a special place in my heart for those about ready to age out of the system with no place to go for holidays. It breaks my heart over and over. The only part of me that keeps me going down this horribly embarrassing, depressing path is that I always dreamed of what babies made of me and Bradley would look like...what they would be like..We used to talk about what flaws, features and annoying habits of ours they would have - And it made us laugh. We don't talk about that anymore. Not that we can't, or even that we've said we don't want to. We just don't.  I've been forging on with this treatment process when my heart says stop but my brain says go. And I couldn't figure out the tug of war until now.

I've come to terms recently that the part that is so agonizing and painful in my heart about this entire journey is the realization that there may never be a little "Brandrea" running around that was the product of our friendship and our awesome love story. It hurts to think it. It hurts to type it. It's almost more than I can bear.    But I realize now that it's part of what has had me so unsettled, so anxious. It's pain I have to walk through, that I have to face. I know it won't hurt this much forever, but it's an awful pain to face. I chalk up most of what we go through to being our journey, our journey to parenthood. I know several people now who have gone the "non-traditional" route to parenthood and I am usually oddly at ease about where we are going. I have met so many people, heard so many stories and infertility has changed my life a lot of ways, for the better. (Weird.)  I realize now it's not the infertility that hurts most or the fact that we have had to undergo this struggle that hurts most. I couldn't figure out why most of the time I am more at peace with where we are going, but some days, deep down, something hurt alot - and now I know what is is.

With all of this coming to head this week, National Infertility Awareness Week and facing some milestones with our house guests homeward journey, I'm exhausted. And I haven't even started my work week yet. But so I go on. I have an amazing support system, amazing friends and family. But sometimes, what I need is solitude. Time to digest all of this myself. It helps me sail the tides and work on handling this season of my life.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

And can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

- Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)

Tuesday - Hohenzollern Castle

Tuesday we ate lunch & then visited a castle. There was a nice courtyard outside where we sat, ate, laughed and drank beer (of course).

It was a beautiful day!

Sunday/Monday - Guten Tag

We dropped off the kids on Friday, had a birthday party for Christy on Friday night, got stuff done on Saturday, like: losing Brad's wallet, searching everywhere, getting into a huge fight, getting a duplicate license at the DMV, fighting with Mediacom, finding Brad's wallet IN THE HOUSE at 6pm, and I went to Kelly's Pampered Chef party.

Then finally Sunday morning we left for the Cedar Rapids airport. All was well until Brad forgot that he had water in his water bottle and he got pulled aside at security. Then he had to follow the lady to the bathroom and dump out the water and then go back through security.

We bought the kids stuffed Iowa corn cobs (I can only find them at the airport) and our flight took off on time.

Good Morning, Paris

We got to Minneapolis and found a restaurant that served organic and vegan food - I couldn't believe it!  Then we found a place to exchange some dollars for Euros and waited for our plane.

The plane took off on time at 4pm and our ride was 8 hours and 5 minutes. During the flight, the movies and TV were amazing. They had a Kurt Cobain documentary, a Coldplay concert, and a U2 documentary. That's pretty much what I watched and I slept for like maybe 2 hours. We landed in Paris as the sun was coming up and made it through the fairly confusing airport quickly...But at security, I got the pat down after setting off the metal detector, even though I had no metal...weird.

When we got to Germany it was 11am so there was no sleeping. We got settled and then went to eat dinner - SCHNITZEL! Then we picked daffodils out of a field, went for a walk in the woods by Mike and Lisa's house down a gianormous hill...and to the park where they introduced us to the tire swing. There should have been 3 adults and 3 kids here. But no, it was really 6 kids. 3 of us were just taller than the others.  We are going to miss Mike entirely because he is in DC this week for work - Boo.

Guten Tag!