Great Weekend

I am spending the weekend with my hubby. We stopped to visit Jamie in Ames yesterday and got to eat with her, Kurt and kids. It was so great. Now we are eating our way through Des Moines and catching up on movies at the theater. We love movies but don't make time to go these days. It's been wonderful.

I love it

I started this new job in November. Too be honest, I have even more work to do now than I did before as I'm still working on a project from my old position.

However,
I don't hate going to work anymore
I really love the job I am doing
I work with people who actually want to be a team, help each other and build each other up
I have gotten a ton of great responses from people about how good I'm doing in the new job
I do miss my old position, just not the environment that surrounded it
I get to help people constantly - seems silly in the work I do, but when people want something, they want it now. Kinda fun to deliver.

And,
I work days
I don't get up until 4:30 now (When I started this position it was 3:30)
I don't home at 2am when I work my regular shift
People are willing to cover for me so I can have time off
I get to be with Bradley every night
We get to eat dinner together 99% of the time
I have a mostly regular sleep schedule
We get to go to sleep at the same time
No sneaking in so not to wake the dogs and send off their barking at 1 or 2am
I can attend get-togethers on Fri, Sat and Sun, even if only for a little bit - big improvement over never getting to go, ever.
When people ask me if I hate working the weekends, I tell them "no way". It beats that crap schedule I was working.

When people ask me how I like my new job. I say "I love it"

Let's Be Honest

I never thought I'd get to this point. I am so happy for my friends who are pregnant. I feel sad that they don't want to tell because they think I'll be upset. I hate that. I don't want them to pity me. I want to share in their joy. I am truly happy for them, but I will admit, after all that happiness, there's a little hole in my heart for the struggle we are having. It doesn't matter if they tell me or not, I always have a little sadness every day. I'll be watching some reality TV and see real life siblings or parents who love their children with incredible abundance and I find myself longing for that feeling myself. And now it makes me at least tear up every time. I hate I'm at this place. I hate that I'm getting frustrated, because I don't like that feeling and because it's not good for the process.

It almost makes mad that there isn't really truly anything wrong, it's just taken a long time to figure what my body wants to do and adapt. I feel the clock ticking. Loudly. If we aren't successful this month or next, we have to go to Iowa City. I really don't want to do that. I'm so not prepared to attempt IVF if that's what they recommend. I really don't want to do it. It makes me feel selfish that I'm concerned about how it will affect me (I hate taking medications, etc) and what it will mean financially.

Right after I went off the pill, Brad and I talked about how we would handle it if something was wrong. We didn't want to be in the throws of this and trying to make decisions. That's how marriages are destroyed through this. We decided we would go as far as we were comfortable financially (we decided we would not be accumulating mounds and mounds of debt and mortgaging our house again for it). I don't judge others that do, it's just not for us. Brad has been so supportive of my not wanting to do rounds and rounds of IVF, if it's recommended. We have agreed we would both be very sad if we couldn't have one of our own, but that we were open to adopting. That also would be extremely hard, but I can't fight the feeling that it's something we are meant to do. I also wouldn't count out the fact we might eventually get pregnant on our own later.

This whole thing makes me want to be around my nieces and nephews even more. When Hunter and Ian see me, they run to me and give me a big hug and ask to come stay overnight at my house. I find myself looking forward to spring break and hope I can keep them at least one night. I just love being around them and their hugs and kisses and wanting to show me their crazy shenanigans. It helps feel that tiny hole for while.

If at first you don't succeed...

try, try again. Not pregnant in December so we'll try again in January. The doctor says Jan and Feb are really the last months I can be on Clomid before they have to refer me out. If we don't succeed, off to Iowa City we go.

Good news: my body is being more cooperative.

Grandpa Update

Thanks to those who have been asking about Grandpa and how he is. A couple of weeks ago Grandpa had an episode where he was getting up and getting back into bed seemingly randomly. When Dad went and asked him if he knew who Dad was, he said no. He also had little reaction to Mom's dog, Max, to whom he is pretty close. Assuming this may be dementia related, Dad took him to the doctor. The doctor gave a fairly grim diagnosis...He either had a brain bleed from when he fell a couple of months ago, or it could be anything up to his dementia getting worse. They had to really drug him up and end up knocking him out so that he could/would remain still for the CT scan. They ruled out the brain bleed but said his dementia was significant. (At this point we are still trying to dig into the "significant" part. Is it significant total or significantly worse than before?) Luckily this time around we are more educated and can ask better questions.

He ended up staying more than a week at the senior behavioral unit to assess the situation. He was very groggy the first few days, due to the medicine from the CT scan. As the week went on, he had more good days than bad days, but did take one fall while in the hospital, while trying to stand up out of the chair. One of the nurses dove on the floor to protect his head.

By the end of the stay, he was more talkative, did still mix up details, but was eating and drinking, which he hasn't been doing for a couple of months.

Then the decisions come. Nursing Home? If so, which one? He is still weak in the legs and there is no way he can go up and down stairs. So for now, nursing home is really the only choice. It may or may not be forever, but at the minimum he has to get his strength back. When I saw him a few days ago at the hospital, he looked better than I have seen him since before Thanksgiving. We know this is going to be an uphill battle with lots of good days and valleys, but we know now what directions to go in for his care.

So this week he ended up in Reinbeck. My dad went to tour it again (he has been there before) and felt it was a good option. It's only 15 minutes away (at most) from my parents, so it's easy for Grandma to drive. They do not have a locked unit, he just has to wear a bracelet but can mingle with the population.

Next steps are to get him back to his neurologist to see how the dementia has progressed and get his recommendations. It is possible he could end up back home for a time, depending on the results and how his strength gets. If his behavior gets worse, he would probably end up back in Gladbrook, where he was before. The good thing is, in Gbrook, they love him and he loves the people there.

As we learned last year, we just take this one day at a time.

Reflections at the stoplight

I was at a stoplight yesterday, just thinking and singing along with the radio. It was one of those long stoplights so I started to wonder about the people sitting at and going through the intersection. Then I went to the next stoplight and realized (obviously) a whole new set of people at this stoplight with a whole new set of stories. I took the time at each light yesterday to just take in the world around me. My thoughts in no particular order.

• Who's moving with that Penske truck and where are they moving? I wonder if it's a happy or sad occasion
• I bet that UPS guys makes people's day every day. I know I love getting a package!
• Where are the people in the van next to me going?
  
• That girl needs to stop driving so fast. She's going to wipe out. And for me to think she's driving too fast, it's bad.
  
• I'm sure that guy driving that big crane truck works really hard to provide for his family
• Man, I'm sure glad it snowed. It looks so much better with snow on the ground
• Dude! The light's still red! Don't go! Oh, boy - lucky.
• There's the rec center. I need to get my exercise on.
• Critical Care Paramedic Ambulance? I sure hope there is no one in there.
• I wonder how many of these people are going through what we are with Grandpa's dementia....
• Those construction workers outside are admirable. I couldn't work outside when it's single digits.
• Look at all the snow blades on those pickups. I miss landscaping. And plowing snow. There's something fun about ramming snow into a big pile.
  

Uncontrollable Crying

While paying bills today, I decided to browse around for infertility blogs. This is my first journey into this world and I know there are some great resources out there.

When I clicked on one, the story was heartbreaking. The woman had twins and one passed away and this happened just last week. She had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come and photograph her girls. Before you click there, beware. This is not for everyone. It's heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story of people who have lost their babies and the photos that were captured shortly before or after they passed away.

I immediately started bawling. But I couldn't stop reading the stories. I have a couple of friends who have lost babies and one friend who was pregnant with twins, one of whom passed in utero and she carried until she delivered the other twin. The pain these people felt, I can only imagine. While what we are going through is not easy, this is horrible.

The babies are so precious, but how heart wrenching.