Season of My Life

I have missed blogging terribly but have really been in a state of what can only be best described as unrest. I am clearly passing through what Fleetwood Mac sang about as the "seasons of my life". The past couple of months have been filled with so much emotion and internal anxiety for me that I often long for those quiet moments where I can just be.

The branches of my life that drive my anxiety are several - my job, the future of my job, my deep down desire for what I want my career to be, my legacy in this world, our house guests, our future children, our infertility journey and my intense desire to help people, give back and be involved in our community and even my blog.

I pondered why I blog and whether or not it's worth the time, because in actuality, with Facebook around these days, I often wonder if it's necessary or if it's read regularly. I used to be a faithful blogger, every couple of days and I loved it. I loved going back and reading what I wrote and remembering where I was mentally and emotionally and seeing how much I have grown since my old posts. I started the blog originally so I could keep all of our friends and family in Iowa updated on what we were doing in Virginia. Then FB came along and it seems we all keep up to date that way. So I've been doing some soul searching about whether or not this is something I want to spend my time on. I came close to a complete answer. Facebook helps keep friends up to date and helps me stay connected to people - I truly love that aspect of it. But I also have always had a diary of some kind and always LOVE going back and reading it. Some of the vacations, etc we have been on I also want to remember, but I don't think posting everything/every picture is what I want to do either. So what I've decided on is this: This blog will go back to being my diary that it was in the beginning - About things we are doing, but mostly how I'm feeling about the things we are doing, what's going on in the world, etc.  Sometimes that might be vacations, our foster parenting journey, or just musing in life because this brain RARELY shuts off and I always have something churning up there. Mostly my thoughts will selfishly be for me, but I love when others read and comment, too. That's a super big bonus.

“If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” 

― Benjamin Franklin

Career woman - I have been contemplating alot lately about what I want to do. We never really considered we'd be moving back to Iowa, we always thought our move back to the midwest would take us to Minneapolis. I have been asked several times if I want to take a job there next and have even been asked by people leaving positions if I would be interested in them throwing my name in the hat as their replacements. As a person who has always been in the game of self development and taking on the next logical challenge in my career, it's been extremely hard to put the brakes on this while walking the foster parenting journey. I have given many, many good, full speed years to my career and 6 of them to T. I know in my heart and gut that it's the right thing to be ok taking a break from full speed ahead and focus on family - This is the right time for us and we are surrounded by all the right people. And honestly, everyone at work as been unbelievably supportive of our journey and encouraging all the way. I have worked places before that this would not have been as "easy" from a work perspective. It also helps that several people I work with have faced or are facing infertility, miscarriages or other family planning obstacles, too.

There's no question that I want to continue my career and I am not considering leaving it - It's in my blood - I am not the stay at home type (at least at this point in my life). I don't how SAHM or single moms do it. They are saints in my book. The questions I have to answer here are several and are hard for me to answer. There were several bumps in the road at my work when I got back here that have possibly (I believe) taken me out of the running for the job that I actually want - A job where I would get to lead leaders. (It's a long story, but is somewhat chronicled in old posts if you want to dig). I can wait here and keep trying for this job that may never be mine, move to Minneapolis to take a job that's a step up (now or sometime in the future) and that I would be really good at, but isn't really what I want to do forever, I can leave and go somewhere locally where I can lead leaders like I want to, or I can stay in the job I'm in for the next year or so. (Usually they move your positions after 18 months and there's not alot of things I want to do in our building. I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize. It's what I do. While my soul isn't completely settled, I have decided for the time being this: The job I have right now allows me to do some amazing things. I belong to a local advocacy group called Cedar Valley Citizens For Undoing Racism that is trying to get off the ground. I have volunteered to be the resident website creator and ongoing webmaster. I am able to attend the meetings and help shape how the organization is coming together. (remember "I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize.") Being the webmaster is something I can do any time of day and while we have house guests I can't be flexible in other ways, but can give back in this way. And at the meetings I try to add some direction for organization.

The bottom line is that I really would love to have a job where I can help people - Think directing/leading at the Red Cross or something similar. The problem is I really love where I work. I love the chaos, the adventure, and what I do. But it doesn't really help anybody. But it always me to help people. It provides access to people, events, and organizations that allow me to give back. And the professional flexibility to follow this foster journey. This job allows me to help connect the company with organizations and activities in our community. Not to mention I got to go to UNI yesterday and mentor/advise students, which I also love.

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”

- Buddha

I (we) have decided that staying here right now allows me to have a great job with a great company and give back and allows us to continue fostering and hopefully build our family. I would love to stay in the department I am in now for another year or two and hopefully I will get to. If I change, there is one area I have my eye on if I can't stay in this department. Some people would say I'm crazy for not taking advantage of the opportunities that could await me in MN, however, we really feel like the right thing for us right now is to build our family and try and spend more time with our family that's here. It's a total catch-22 because if we lived in MN I would have weekends off and may actually get more time with my family here. Right now I work Saturday - Monday and usually Wednesdays, too. That weekend schedule does nothing for me getting to see my nephews and nieces. Pretty much I love and hate having this fork in my road at all. I love that others see what I do as valuable and that they like working with me, but right now is the time build our family and I wish I could just be happy with that and stop going back in forth in my ADD brain. While all of this is going on, I question whether I should try and go for the "leading leaders" job. Pretty much the events of 2 years ago have all but eroded my confidence in doing that role. And I'm not convinced the people who would be my peers want me to do that or even could see me doing that role. And I hate both of those things more than I can say.

Brad and I also attend monthly foster parent support group meetings. The meetings are partially for training and partially to grow your network of foster parents in case you need support, respite, or whatever. It takes longer to coordinate who will watch the munchkins that it does to go to the meetings sometimes, but we make the time. We really enjoy going to these meetings as they are beneficial and always expand our small amount of knowledge about foster parenting, the courts, the process, and our community. (I guess foster parenting is a way to help our community, too, although I don't often think of it that way. I just think of it as something we do to help children, families, and as a bonus, fulfill our desire to be parents and hopefully lead to building our permanent family. But I guess helping children and families is actually giving to the community - I just don't always take a step back to see it that way.) The family we are helping now has expressed thanks to us for all we do and that makes it worthwhile on the days it can be the most hard. We also get really good feedback from all of the people we work with so this is pretty much the only thing in our lives right now that I'm completely content with. This is what we are supposed to be doing.

Having said that, our house guests will likely not be staying come June. We don't know anything for sure yet and what I do know, of course, I can't share.  It's great to see things work out and see families back together, but my heart is starting to break, I'm not going to lie. The house guests will be gone this weekend for the first time since they came to our house and I'm dreading the drop off in 1.5 hours. I know it's the right thing, but this week I wasn't ready to handle all of this...

Doctor - (warning - some discussion about girl parts here) The reason it's a bit overwhelming this week is I went back to the doctor. The doctor with all of the pregnant people milling around. The doctor with millions of pictures of moms with their babies on the wall. When you are walking this road, you can't help but feel like a total failure when you walk in and around that office. It's no one's fault. It would be that way at any doctor of that kind. The doctor shared that there is really no limit on how long I can take the medication or do IUIs, but the probabilities go down after you have had 6 IUIs that you will get pregnant that way. For some people it becomes more financially feasible to try IVF (which is really the next method) if they are going to do a high number of IUIs. So the doctor wrote me a prescription for 4 more months (we have done 2 IUIs - It would probably take us about 6-7 months to actually get our 4 months in) I should  be excited, right? And, not so much. And I feel a bit guilty about it. It's an embarrassing process, it's difficult logistically at times and deep down in my heart, I'm not that hopeful. A reasonably big part of me wants to forgo this and just try on our own and if it happens, great. If not, well, I feel I can be at peace with that. I just don't know if I'm ready to go through another year of disappointment. I just can't help wonder if we should stop going down this road because it's not the road we are supposed to be on. Should we be focusing more on the fostering and adoption route?

I would adopt 10 kids if I could and Brad knows I'm only partially kidding when I say that. I would love to love, mentor, nurture, and provide a home to as many as we can possibly handle, no matter what the age. I know it would be incredibly hard. But my gut is pulling me just like it pulled me to move to Virginia. And when my gut speaks, I listen. I have a special place in my heart for those about ready to age out of the system with no place to go for holidays. It breaks my heart over and over. The only part of me that keeps me going down this horribly embarrassing, depressing path is that I always dreamed of what babies made of me and Bradley would look like...what they would be like..We used to talk about what flaws, features and annoying habits of ours they would have - And it made us laugh. We don't talk about that anymore. Not that we can't, or even that we've said we don't want to. We just don't.  I've been forging on with this treatment process when my heart says stop but my brain says go. And I couldn't figure out the tug of war until now.

I've come to terms recently that the part that is so agonizing and painful in my heart about this entire journey is the realization that there may never be a little "Brandrea" running around that was the product of our friendship and our awesome love story. It hurts to think it. It hurts to type it. It's almost more than I can bear.    But I realize now that it's part of what has had me so unsettled, so anxious. It's pain I have to walk through, that I have to face. I know it won't hurt this much forever, but it's an awful pain to face. I chalk up most of what we go through to being our journey, our journey to parenthood. I know several people now who have gone the "non-traditional" route to parenthood and I am usually oddly at ease about where we are going. I have met so many people, heard so many stories and infertility has changed my life a lot of ways, for the better. (Weird.)  I realize now it's not the infertility that hurts most or the fact that we have had to undergo this struggle that hurts most. I couldn't figure out why most of the time I am more at peace with where we are going, but some days, deep down, something hurt alot - and now I know what is is.

With all of this coming to head this week, National Infertility Awareness Week and facing some milestones with our house guests homeward journey, I'm exhausted. And I haven't even started my work week yet. But so I go on. I have an amazing support system, amazing friends and family. But sometimes, what I need is solitude. Time to digest all of this myself. It helps me sail the tides and work on handling this season of my life.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

And can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

- Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)