More on my plate than I can handle?

I know, there's not more on your plate than you can handle....But I think my plate is tipping over....The last two weeks have been the most stressful I've had in a few months. It's so hard. I shouldn't be stressed, I should be sleeping regularly and yet, it doesn't happen.

I go to the doctor for my thyroid issue tomorrow. I've been more stressed by it than I should. But I REALLY do not want to be on medication for it for the rest of my life. I know, I know. I can't control it. Oh, and I've had this urge to cry constantly for more than a week...Usually at the drop of a hat. Sounds like pregnancy, right? Well, apparently it must just be my thyroid throwing my hormones off. Oh, and it's impedes pregnancy. Great. Nice timing, thyroid.

I was essentially forced into working for a co-worker who I've had a really great friendship with the past 2 years. I wouldn't mind working, but there was deception and lack of respect and consideration involved in the whole thing. To make matters worse, it meant I had to work 2 days of days, 2 nights, and 3 days again. This situation did not positively contribute to my stress level or sleep schedule due to the time switch, twice and because I worked 2 extra days, I was exhausted....

We had a conference at Grandpa's nursing home last Friday. My cousins and aunt were in town, so we went to visit him. I was there starting at 11am and didn't leave until after 5:30. The visit with the family was great. The conference was stressful. Grandpa is lucid 95% of the time when he's there, because he's on a regular schedule for everything he does. When he goes home that schedule and structure go out the window and he has bad days. A bad day at home could be life threatening. It's such a hard decision to keep him in there when he's lucid most of the time and physically is getting better. While we know it's the right thing, he doesn't and wants to be at home. The home is really good and is really trying to help tailor his activities to things he wants, but he's just being stubborn. I understand, because I can't imagine how much it sucks to not be at home, but it was heart wrenching. I was so emotionally exhausting by the end of it, and to hear how angry, frustrated and depressed he can be.

At work, there is always more to be done than there is time in the week. I'm tired of people nagging me, is this done yet, is that done yet, when will this be done. When I FREAKING get to it. I hardly ever miss deadlines, but I am involved in so much that there is a lot to do. I prioritize and do what needs to be done first, or what's coming up due. But when other people's plates aren't as full, their stuff is so important. I have rarely ever missed something important, or didn't get to something that needed to be done. But some people have no patience and no perspective. Although they know I'm reliable and will get it done. Trust, people. I've never let you down by missed a deadline or not helped out. Give it a second, already. Then they added another thing to my plate. I'm not even finished with the training in my new department and they already named me the trainer for our department, which brings a whole set of new things I need to do. While I am happy for the opportunity (it's like the one thing at a building I've never done) and know it will be helpful to me developmentally, I am still working on a project from my last position that's due by the end of this month. And, though I have given up a captain-ship that I've held for the past two years, the handoff of lots of projects I'm tasked with hasn't happened yet. Oh, and to boot, I'm probably going to end up being named captain of another group. Again, while I welcome the opportunity, it's another thing on the plate. I could work 7 days a week for a month and maybe get half done. Not to mention this workload isn't good for me right now either. And adding in the hormones that are probably raging due to my thyroid, it makes for me being a hot mess.

Thought I was done? Oh no. It goes on. One of the team members I worked with in Virginia died last week very unexpectedly. So sad. He was an extremely sweet person who worked his tail off. When I went back to visit in November, he quickly came up to me and gave me a hug. He said he wished I was coming back because he really missed me and it wasn't quite the same without me. I think it's even harder because I just saw him and he said something so sweet and personal. Heart. Breaking.

So I guess it's no surprise that my pregnancy result this week was again negative. Frustrating because January was the first month we got a positive ovulation test and really got the timing right. And a confession, We knew I would be ovulating when Brad went away on business, so I went with him. Can't waste a month of medication...So this is my last month on Clomid and I called the doctor to get my refill and find out how I get referred to Iowa City.They were able to get me in next Thursday. I was really shocked that I got in so quickly. This week I heard another encouraging story about someone at work who was diagnosed with unexplained fertility and did the insemination step in Iowa City with both of her pregnancies and had success. While I'm happy for her and the other co-worker who went to Iowa City, it's no guarantee we will have success. And I continue to have heartache around IVF, if it's recommended. I really in my heart do not want to go through it. It feels selfish and makes me question, does that mean I really don't want kids, because I don't want to do everything medically possible? I'm still really excited about the adoption route and (extremely) slowly am trying to come to grips with the fact it's ok to choose adoption over IVF. My friends and family are convinced that if we adopt a child, I'll get pregnant then. Well, we can hope, can't we.

People keep telling me I need a vacation. I need to just get away and slow down. But the problem is, I don't want to vacation or slow down without Brad. If I go away somewhere just to run away for a while, I want him to come to and he can't just leave work right now. Not to mention he has to manage his vacation time in a smart way this year. I don't know. The first step right now is getting to the doctor tomorrow and hoping I will start to feel better once we sort out this thyroid thing.

Rough Start

Today has been a rough start already...well, actually it started yesterday....I had a dentist appt at 8am, which should have taken 2 hours....It took almost 3 and I was still totally numb by the time I should have gone to work. So I went to drop off prescription and that took 20 minutes...just to drop it off.

So I was late getting to work..and then of course, late getting out of there. I booked it to the mall because my new glasses were ready and I ran, literally through JCPenney to get there 5 minutes before they closed. They were perfect - too perfect. They hardly had to adjust them or anything....wait for it...there's a catch.

I get back to the car and it won't start. I'm alone, in the dark mall parking lot, the car is dead and I have to pee...really, really bad. My phone is blinking at me that it's going to die any second and through all of this, work is trying to call me because we went down and production stopped (that's bad). So I call Brad and he is going to try and come get me...don't know what we will do about the car, because the jumper cables are in my car, which is 30 minutes away getting fixed at the dealership from the accident that I got in. So I'm dancing in my seat trying not to wet myself and I try ONE more time...it starts! So I rush home and try not to think of anything water related until get there.

I then have to jump on the phone with work, which was fine, but I was trying to unwind so I could get to bed and get up at 5am to go to the gym to run. And when I'm doing work, I'm definitely not unwinding. Then my work computer flashes at me at tells me that I have Trojan Horse - some kind of virus. I get an email from our IT department that says get off this computer and get off now until I can have it reloaded. Great..now I can't finish my work.

While I'm on the computer, it looks like I have a hair on my glasses because I definitely can see something there...I take them off and look closely...huge, deep scratch...WHAT?! I have had them for LESS than 1.5 hours...And I haven't done anything in that 90 minutes that would cause THAT. I knew it was too good to be true when I picked them up

So I finally go to bed...get up, get dressed and get the car loaded with my work and gym junk. I try to start the car and it doesn't turn over right away...I try again...dead....as a doornail...again.

So I have unpacked everything I packed in the car and will have to wait for my carpool buddy, Michael to finish his gym workout and come pick me up.

And to top off my irritation, the paper person is late and the grocery ad comes out today..ugh.

Now tonight, I now have to fit in my workout, taking the car to the doctor, dinner, taking my scratched glasses back, and a trip to the grocery store.

Then tomorrow afternoon, I get to go back to the dentist for round 2 of oral surgery..I wanted to avoid doing it this week because I am packed with stuff this week, and trying to catch up on some things at work, but they couldn't get me in until March 5 if I waited..so tomorrow it is. A fabulous Thursday to round out a fabulous week...ugh.

So I realize that there are so many worse problems in the world, I just wonder sometimes why things have to be harder than they need to be and why my genes decided it would be fun to torture me with dental procedures and oral surgeries my whole life....

Is it Friday yet?!

Time Out

So I'm having some guilt...

it has been an extremely busy fall for us....it's the busiest time of year for me at work....I have worked some weeks of insane hours and others that weren't a huge number of hours, but completely exhausting where I could do nothing but pass out when I get home.

when it became time to go to iowa and have Christmas, I had no presents bought. the week we left, I bought everything online and wrapped pictures of the gifts i bought and gave those to my family...pathetic, really...the really bad thing....Not only did i have limited time to do shopping, I didn't feel compelled to go shopping on, let's say Sundays, when I did have some time...I'd rather hang out on my couch...i just wanted to rest.

it's 10 days until Christmas...I still have a few presents to buy for Christmas this Saturday....I still have presents to buy for people in Iowa....and then I have to ship them...obviously, they will be late....but again, with all that i have going on, I don't have an overwhelming desire to run out and be on my feet for several hours while shopping...Highly unusual for me, as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE shopping...I'm just tired this year....

I haven't ordered our Christmas pictures. They will only take like 2 hours to print and then we just need to send them out....but i have no desire right now.

i have been couponing; i am behind on laundry; i have other things to do around the house;

i haven't even been able to stay awake long enough to read more than 2 or 3 pages in my Twilight book without falling asleep.

the tree is finally up and has lights, but no decorations...outside of that, you wouldn't know it's Christmas around here...the decorations are still in their tubs....

I am blogging, checking up on what my friends are doing on facebook, and watching movies with brad. i am going to play bunko tomorrow night instead of doing shopping that i probably should be doing...

my laundry is still piling up.....i finally paid the bills yesterday (they aren't late of, course, but i really put it off to the last minute)

i feel guilty....i don't even have kids...and i can't find time to get the holidays together....and when i do have some time, i either don't make time or don't get enough done in the time that i have....

we are getting another addition on friday...yes, we're getting another dog....and while i really, really want one, it exhausts me to even think about it right now...it will mean little sleep this weekend...something i don't need less of right now.

there is just so much going on and so much to do...seriously, when we finally do have kids, i might end up in the crazy ward...I don't know how you moms do it....and of course, i haven't run in a week....i'm pooped....if i ran, i might fall face first in a puddle and fall asleep there.....

so enough about all of things i have to do...i just feel guilty that i don't even have kids and i can't get my crap together....finding time to take care of myself, time to rest, time to nurture my marriage, spend time with Sammy and get everything done seems impossible....And if i do take time out to spend with friends or just sit and be i feel guilty about what i should be doing...so i coupon while i'm watching football....and fold laundry while i watch movies...i know everyone has this guilt, but these last couple of months have me really treading water...i can't seem to get ahead and i'm already always late for most things....i'm really bad this year....I can't wait to have a couple of days off next week....I would love to travel for Christmas, but i just can't muster it....i need a time out.