Stee-rike!

 Well, IUI round 2 was not successful. So on to round 3 we go!

Delicious Ambiguity

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…”  (Gilda Radner)

After reading this Gilda quote today, it struck me. I hate ambiguity. And I love it too. Weird. I hate not knowing, and love a plan, but I also LOVE surprises. I love when things are clear. And I love it when they are not. It makes life more fun. I guess maybe it all depends what I'm doing.
It's part of what makes this parenthood journey "fun". Will we get pregnant or get our foster license first? Will we have foster kids in our home and then get pregnant? How crazy will that be? What if our foster child is an infant and I get pregnant? Heaven help me. What kind of personalities will our foster kids have? We will get to help the older kids who are getting ready to age out? I really want to. I really hope so. This whole thing is so unclear and no clear answer or direction. I guess for me either route will be the ultimate surprise. Maybe it's why I smile more these days. Sure, I have my days. Tears, moments of self pity, moments of wishing I had the same relationships and moments with my own kids that our friends do. But I find myself telling our story with hope and smiles. We don't know how it will end, or even start for that matter. but it is sure to be fun.

We have embarked on Magic Beans Round 2. Everything about this journey is wrapped up in that Gilda quote. For Round 1's gory details, see here.


So for the next 2 weeks or so. We wait. Again. "Delicious Ambiguity..."

One Minute Writer: Simple/Complex

I thought this an appropriate prompt for today. I have been reading alot tonight about decisions couples make and the stories of others in our same boat.

Then I checked One Minute Writer. The post for today:

Simple/Complex: Write briefly about one thing in your life that is simple, and one that is complex.



Simple: Our desire to have a family


Complex: Our journey in getting there.
 
That pretty much sums it up.

20%

                                    
We have been anxiously awaiting the results of our IUI. Over the course of the past two weeks I have been pondering what it would like to be pregnant, what kinds of changes we are going to have to make if this works, and to be honest, I've spent some time being a scared of the next 18 years. Brad continues to be the best partner through this adventure, continuing to reassure me that I will be able to figure out everything that comes with parenthood.

I got a call from the doctor's office on Friday that my progestrone test came back at 19. They like it to be double digits and because it was, I can continue the same dose of Femara if the IUI isn't successful. The nice thing about this is that on the Clomid, it got up into the 50s and I started to have a lot of side effects from the drug. This has been a much more friendly version on my body.

On Saturday we got our results, well I got "it', at 4:30am. I thought I would be ok with it, but not so much. I got to work the next morning and run into one of my partners who said I didn't look excited to be at work. Then it comes, the quivering lip & tears. Luckily he knows what we are going through and since I didn't throw myself on the ground in sobbing tears, he didn't run away. He just sat down on the desk and said the most perfect thing ever: "I'm sorry. I remember being in that situation. I know nothing I can say can make you feel better".

When I got home from work, Brad asked how my day was. I told it was good, but that I was sad. Then he said & did the most perfect thing ever: He wrapped his arms all the way around me in a big bear hug and said "I know. I'm sad, too. I've been thinking about it all day". 

So we are sad. But I have surrendered to what I can and cannot control in this process. I more firmly believe that when we take a step forward, sometimes, even often, we will take two steps back. I just have to be ok with that. Some moments, days or even weeks are still really hard, but I just keep breathing and keep walking on.

I have done some research to see what our chances are. I want to be educated but I try not to do too much digging and be obsessive about it. I did find that the chances of IUI working are about 10% -20%, which are increased slightly when using fertility meds and even then it can take several IUIs.

So this month we will start round 2 of the medication.

Magic Fertile Beans

I'm not sure what's between rated PG13 and R, but I feel this post in somewhere in between :)

After my thyroid was under control, my doctor in Iowa City told me that I could start on the new fertility drug, Femara and then try the IUI process at the same time. I can only be on the drug for about 6 months, and she said "if it's going to happen it will likely  happen in the first 3 months." If this doesn't work, then we have to seriously rule in or out going through IVF. So here's the next comedic chapter.
Earlier this month, I unwent another procedure, called an IUI. Basically it takes out the "romantic" part of making babies. It can be hard through this process to not feel very institutional because of all of the proper medical terms, hard metal medical tables, and giant names for procedures. (There is no talk of wee-wees and va-jay-jays during times like these.). So I have lovingly termed my eggs, "my magic beans" and Brad's *ahem* contribution, "his magic beans".  You will find, not for my embarrasment of proper medical terms, but for my sanity throughout this process, I rarely will use the proper medical term. It allows me to laugh that way. And thank goodness for Brad and my sister Jessica and the silliness they add to this mahem.

In a nutshell, when  you go in for an IUI, they take his magic beans, check them, and spin them so that only the "good stuff" is left. The nurse then takes them and drives a tube, well, you can guess where.

You would think that during such a trying time in our lives that an experience like this wouldn't be hilarious. But of course it's me, so it can't be simple.

We are at the doctor's office with his magic beans and Brad jokes, "hopefully they can take out any that are running into each other because they are stupid". And of course he uses his fingers to demonstrate the little guys running into each other.  Then after the 15 minutes they need to spin his beans down, they call me back. Brad didn't come back. I don't blame him, but I told him if this works, he's going to have to get used to this. The super nice nurse tells me, "They look really, really good. Number is good. They are all swimming the right direction." I almost busted out laughing. Well, at least there weren't any stupid ones.

So then I climb on the awesome, cold, metal table and put my feet in the comfy (not) cups. The nurse introduces to the medical intern who (I don't know how) looks more uncomfortable about being there than I do. Then we start, The nurse starts the procedure by driving a medical instrument into a place that's not all that comfortable. And she can't find my cervix. What?  Where did it go? This is no time for a vacation. Finally after poking and prodding, she finds it. Then says, "it looks beautiful". Omg. Seriously? Did she just compliment me while inches from my girl parts on my "beautiful cervix?"

Then. UGH. A couple of attempts with the giant plastic tube. Then she peers over the paper blanket between me and her and says, I'm going to get the doctor because it doesn't want to go in easily and we can use an instrument to open the path, but she's better at using it than me. She was so sweet and I felt better that she was stopping where her expertise ended versus just jamming that thing into my flesh.

While's she's gone, the intern stands there with her arms crossed in the uncomfortable "what should I do pose". She looked more terrified than I felt and she didn't have a couple of medical instruments hanging out of her...well, you know. So I break the ice..."Where are you going to school? How are you liking it?". Anything to dial down the ackward tension and silence she was exhuding.

Then the nurse comes back with the doctor. And wouldn't you know. It's doctor "You're no spring chicken". You have to be freaking kidding me.  Am I on Candid Camera? She plops into position and tells me, you're going to feel a pinch. The nurse explains that the doctor is going grab the edge of the opening into my uterus  to get the tube in. The nurse patted my knee and excitedly said, "This might be your problem. Things will come out but opening it's being friendly for things going in". Well, that makes complete sense. Everything seems to be perfect, but if his beans aren't making it to my beans, well, that would explain alot.

OUCH! That was certainly a pinch. I actually felt her "grab" it. I hope no woman has to feel that. Yikes! "You're going to feel some cramping when I get in there". As I want to curl up into the fetal position. Yep, definitely cramping. You're definitely there. Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.

Then it just gets more glamourous. They shove a sponge, well, you know where and tilt you up so your hips are up in the air to let gravity do it's thing. So I sit for 15 minutes.

Then the nurse comes back in and tells me I can go. I could tell she wanted to hug me. "Good Luck!" she says. And sends me on my way.

I meet Brad back in the waiting room. I tell him about how his beans are all swimming the right way. He laughs. Then I tell him, simply: Be nice to me. I have been violated.

And so we wait.

Cue Tom Petty:
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

Anyone who has asked me about our baby efforts recently has had to hear me groan about my doctors. The first two I went to (in the same office) were, well, less than personal. And I am fiercely picky about my doctors. I have had some FANTASTIC doctors in my life and they set the bar HIGH.

In December 2009 I went to the doctor for the first time to truly discuss our futile attempts at parenthood. She was in such a hurry and always looked confused. She told tell me I did (then didn't, then did) have PCOS so then I was confused when I left. Then looked at me like a freak when I told her my husband and I were rarely in the same place the previous 18 months, let alone the same room and awake at the same time. She made me feel like an idiot and kept looking at me like "well you know how babies are made, right?" She seemed to want to focus little on the fact that we were willing to *ahem* attempt parenthood in a scheduled manner if only my cycles were remotely consistent. My cycles having a mind of their own, was truly the reason I was there. If you can't even figure out if it's "the real thing" that you should count, how in the hell can you focus on what day is the "right day". I left there feeling more depressed and like a moron.

In October 2010 I had to go for my yearly check up. This time I got a different doctor, because my doctor is "too busy" to do routine checkups. Ugh. Keep in mind that at this appointment I was feeling ashamed and depressed as I walked through the halls with all of the pictures on the wall, showing off the little miracles they had made happen. I suppose it should have made me feel better that they were able to have success in creating beautiful little angels, yet I never felt more like a failure. And now here I was, going to have to explain the whole thing again to a different doctor. We went through the checkup and she asked me all the same questions, and I answered while trying not to bust into tears. Then she had the IUI nurse come in an explain that process in case we wanted to attempt that. This was the best part of the visit because she was nice and understanding. Then my doctor came back in and sternly instructed me to "keep trying because you're no spring chicken". Are you freaking kidding me?! Thanks. I know I'm nearly considered old in the child bearing world. Thanks for the education. I had no idea how old I am and that I should keep trying. Gosh, thanks for the enlightenment, Jerk. I did actually burst into tears when I got to the car that day.

Then in February I went to Iowa City. The doctor there was fabulous. She was pregnant which I thought was charming and she sat down with us and asked all the usual questions. She took her time and I didn't feel rushed. Then she answered our questions. She told me to get my thyroid under control (from a 7.61 down to 2.5) and then we could try again. She gave me a prescription for a different fertility medicine and said when it was time we could take that and attempt IUI at our regular office in Waterloo.

So where am I going with all of this? Well my thyroid is regulated and I keep having it tested every 3 months so it's technically time to get going. Don't forget, I'm no spring chicken and all. Well, we decided to wait until the fostering class & process was over because that's just too much to mentally, emotionally, and physically take on at one time. I wanted to be easy on myself and not pressure myself into doing anything. In the back of my mind I was cringing at having to go back to that doctor's office. So I did it. I called and asked to make an appointment with the doctor who did one of my tests back in the Spring. I saw her yesterday and told her how I felt with my first two encounters. And then she laughed that she was the one I wanted to see when she had done the "meanest" thing to me during this process. But that day she was so sweet, like I saw her all the time.

So, I reported to her that my cycles still aren't back on track and I don't want to "waste" the few months on this medication we have, because we likely will not be going to IVF. She agreed about not "wasting" it and prescribed the medication I thought she would, one that I had before that gets your girl parts going in the right direction. Once we start that, we should be on a roll. On the way out she asked me some personal questions. We started talking about our foster care journey and she shared her sister works for an agency like Iowa's DHS in another state. She laughed a little and shared that I would probably get pregnant once we started the foster process. Pretty much everyone has said that. I hope they are right. If I had a quarter for everyone who has said that, I could put our first kid through college! And as she said goodbye, she touched me on the shoulder. Now THAT my friends, is a good doctor.

I left this appointment with a smile, knowing I had done the right thing. Breaking up with a doctor or other service provider seems hard. This is the 2nd time I've done it because I believe in my health and that you have to advocate for yourself until you find someone who fits you and what you need.

So now while we wait on our foster license, we re-join the (kind of) natural parenthood process. We will interrupt your regularly schedule programming if there is any breaking news. In the meantime, I feel less frazzled with my doctor and more like this.

A Letter From Brad & Andrea

Dear Friends and Family,

Some of you are aware how challenging the last five years have been for Brad and I. We are about to embark on a brand new chapter of our lives and feel now is the right time to share where we are going.

More than 5 years ago we began our journey to start our own family and have run into a few forks in our path. We are still pursuing options to have our own children, but this year decided to also pursue adoption routes. A friend provided us information about adopting children out of the foster care system, who are looking for permanent homes. After reviewing what this journey entails, we knew in our hearts this was a path for us. In May, we started a 10 week class and a process required in order to work toward licensing. (You have to have your foster care license if you want to adopt kids out of foster care, even if you don’t full time foster.)

Throughout this process, we have learned even more about the needs of kids in foster care and have made a life changing decision. We have decided that while we would ultimately like to adopt kids out of foster care, we are going to go the full route and become foster parents. The reason that we decided to “publicly” share this information is that once we have our license and have children placed with us, the information about these kids and their situations is private and we will be unable to discuss their parents or their situations.

Knowing that it would be quite strange to start seeing us with unfamiliar children, and knowing their placement in our homes will drive decisions we make, we wanted to be upfront about what we are about to do. Additionally, once children are placed with us, we can’t even really confirm that they are in foster care with us. We certainly didn’t know anything about this process when we first started and had (and still have) questions to ask about it. We thought this would be a way to provide the people in our lives with the opportunity to ask any questions about the journey before we are basically in information “lock down”. Because this is an important and sensitive subject that greatly affects the lives of those around us, our goal is for no questions in this process to be off limits.

We know that this will be a very challenging and life changing decision, but feel this is the right time for us to be able to provide others with support and kids with a safe haven while their families work through their life struggles.

Until now, we have kept this close to us, only sharing with a few members of our family and friends. This was not intended to leave out the other important people of our life, but this is a very sensitive and intimate journey and we wanted to limit information until we decided exactly where we were going. We welcome your questions and hope that sharing this with you will help explain some crazy things the Dellits might be doing in the future. :)

Brad and Andrea

Here’s some information to start out:

• We finish our 10 week PS-MAPP class at the end of July, which is required for licensing.
• It could take up to a few months after class ends to receive our license.
• We are seeking to primarily foster kids in the 0-3 age range. We will also consider kids of older ages, depending on the situation.
• We are required to have 3 home visits with our licensing worker, 1 of which we have already accomplished.
• There are requirements and changes we must make and adhere to in our home in order to be licensed, which we are currently working on.
• The goal of the foster care system is different today than what some of you may be familiar with. The goal now is to work on reunification of children with their birth parents whenever possible. We as foster parents will take part in the plan, mentoring and helping the birth parents where appropriate to aid in this reunification process.
• Our personal goal is to be able to adopt kids that are not able to be reunited with their families.

PS MAPP Week 4 -- Landslide

We started our PS-MAPP classes 4 weeks in our journey to get our foster care license. We have to have our license in order to adopt children from the foster care system.

With every class we go to, with every discussion we have, with every child we talk about, I become more and more sure that we were put on this path for a reason. I don't know how you get more sure, after you are 100% sure, but it's apparently possible.

I've known in my head that every minute of the past 5 years (our infertility anniversary is in April) was happening for a reason. I truly believe that this is always the case, even on the days my heart didn't care and didn't want to listen to my head. Whether you call it God or something else, there are no accidents. I also believe if you don't learn the lesson the first time around, it will come back to you again. The second time it really knocks you on your can.

Since I was old enough to dream about getting married and having a family, I have always entertained thoughts of adoption in my head. It's that part of my soul that always wants to save the world. Whether it's recycling, making Brad shut off the lights when he's in another part of the house, or using cloth bags when I go shopping, I want the steps I take to be deliberate, to matter.

A little bit during class last week and through the entire 3 hours this week, this little voice inside my head explained, "THIS is why I tortured you over the past year. This is why you had to shed all of the tears. You knew in your heart all along you could and wanted to adopt children you could help, but once you had your own, you may have stopped considering it. You wanted a sign that it this is what you should do. Well, now you have it.".

For the past month or so, the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac keeps coming up on my iPod. Again, not believing this is coincidence, especially since I have over 1000 songs it could pick, I started to really listen to the lyrics of the song. I tried hard. Really hard, to find the lesson in all of this. Not only did I see myself in the lyrics, but I saw the kids my mind made up as what the perfect picture of what our life would be. But then, I saw them...The kids that will eventually be ours.

Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older
I'm getting older too

I realized, I've been climbing this mountain to where I thought we were supposed to go. And because I wasn't listening, this journey included a landslide that brought me down. Big time.

When I really started thinking about why I want to be a parent, I realized, it doesn't matter how my children come to me. I just want to make a difference in young people's lives. I want them to have a good life. I want to teach them the skills to enter the world; to be able to navigate, to succeed, to fail, to get back up. I wondered, can I handle these changing tides? Will I be able to handle walking out of this dark season of my life?

And it kept coming to me. I have indeed been afraid of changing from the path I thought I was to be on, that one I thought I wanted. I had built my life, used everything I have worked for, made decisions based on the children that I thought were to come to me naturally. I wrestled endless with the fact that my gut tells me, if we get to the IVF step, I really in my heart don't think it's right for us. As I watch children around me get older, kids I've known since they were born (or close to it)...Charity and Dave's kids, Jessica's kids, my friend Tiffany's kids....I realized, simply being a parent is all I want to do and it doesn't matter anymore how I get there. I'm getting older, too. Having a child(ren) of our own may or may not happen. I will be ecstatic if it does and will be sad if it doesn't. So will Brad. But this time, it won't be a landslide that brings us down.

We are on a path to opening our home to kids who have to leave their home, their family, and maybe their school/friends. This 10 week class is excellent at equipping people for knowing what sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and joy to expect on this journey. It's going to be tough and there will be tears, but I know the reward on the other side is great.

Yes Stevie Nicks, the child in my heart will rise above. Thank you for writing this song so I could see where I am supposed to go; to see what joy will come out of a landslide...

My favorite version of this song. Stevie & Sheryl Crow

Great News!

I was laying on the acupuncture table on Tuesday morning and thought, the lady from Iowa Kidsnet hasn't called. The lady at the meeting said to call in 2 weeks and it's been nearly 3, so I'll on Friday.

On my way to lunch with Kelly, I got a call and voice mail.

We are approved to take the 10 week classes (PS-MAPP) starting May 24th!! And they are in Cedar Falls, right near our work. (Convenient for Bradley on Tuesdays!)

We still have a home study and reference checks coming, but we'll take those as they come.

What great news! I'm grinning from ear to ear!

Oh, and I got my blood tested on Friday for my thyroid. Should know something this week or next. (Crossing fingers!)

Endless Waiting

We attended an informational session for the foster care adoption process on Tuesday night. It was a great session to learn more about the system, the process, what the kids go through. We had decided before we went, that we are not interested in fostering at this time. We just aren't sure if we could do it, with our schedules, and because it really takes a special person to do it.

The lady had me getting more excited until she uttered these words: If you are an adoptive only family, it can be very difficult to get kiddos. Her reason was that all of the kids have to be in the foster system for at least some time before they are adopted...I thought, well, duh. This is about the foster care system, right? I would expect that. She talked about how the goal of foster care now is to get the parents on track to make good decisions and get the kids back home. Then if the parents can't take them back, they go 7 generations to see if the family wants/can take them. If not and parental rights are terminated, they go up for adoption and are placed based on the needs of the child. Now, if she had said, after you take out the kids that go home or go back to a family member, there's only 1% of kids left, that would have made sense. But that's not how she described it. And 1000 kids are adopted in IA out of foster care every year. That seems like a lot to me.

Then, she brought over all of the paperwork I sent in in February. I thought she would have sent it in by now to do the background and fingerprint checks so we could sign up for the 10 week classes. Nope. They go in now. So then I got a bit excited when she said the next class starts May 24th and is on Tuesday nights. Perfect. Then she burst my bubble when she said you can't sign up until your checks come back which can take up to 6 weeks - By then there may not be availability. I asked her why it was so difficult if you are an adoptive only family and her answer was: because we don't have a crystal ball - she said she knows people who received a child within a year and some who have waited three. She said it does happen, but it can be a while.

I went into the meeting very hopeful and very excited and left sad and feeling defeated, like this journey will never end. I even said to Brad on the way home: If this next round of fertility meds & correcting my thyroid doesn't work, then maybe we weren't meant to do this.

Private adoption is still out there, but it can cost anywhere from $7k - $40k, even for domestic. While my work has an adoption assistance program, we'd have to fall on the lowest end of that dollar amount to be able to do it.

I know I should be patient, that this will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end, but I often wonder, should I be getting a message that I'm not seeing? Everyone tells us we'd be great parents, but maybe we aren't supposed to be.

I even opened up to the idea of foster care more after the meeting. I also didn't know there is respite foster care, which is for a very short time (few days to couple of weeks). Both of these would be extremely hard, but my gut just keeps telling me that we were supposed to go to this meeting and learn more about this. Brad however, is not bought into the idea at all. And when we left the meeting, he was un-phased. He just thinks well, we'll be able to do this the natural way then. I'm clueless to his confidence. I hope the thyroid correction fixes our infertility, but it may not be the problem. I figure we just wait and see - but I don't have the same level of confidence he does - again no crystal ball.

I try to really hard to not have a pity party every time we hit a bump in the road. I try remember we have our health, our families, and we really have been fortunate to live the life we have. I remember my friends who have had cancer, Nicole, who's battling it now. But the thoughts just creep in what a crock this seems to be. And now there are not one, but two people at work who are pregnant. As usual I'm really happy for her, but geez. Why are some people deemed to be parents of 2, 3, even 6 or 7 kids, and we have pursued 2 routes and don't seem to deserve even one.

And then I kick myself for being such a Debbie Downer. My blog used to be filled with the exciting adventures we had. Lots of pictures of the dogs. But my camera isn't very good. The one my phone totally sucks, even though it's supposed to be great. Now my blog is overrun with these updates and I feel like it's always doom and gloom. We don't get to have many weekend adventures because of my schedule. (What I'm going to do with my job is a whole other story for another time.)

I know this will pass, but today I'm just a little sad. I really am feeling heartbroken. I feel a bit like this guy.

Day-o-Doctors

Beware. This post contains details about my internal girl organs. Proceed with caution. :)

I started yesterday at my primary doctor's office to find out more about my thyroid. She said that she thinks most if not all of the symptoms I have and seem to have acquired the last month are probably due to my thyroid. It was such a relief to hear that I'm not as crazy as I thought and when I was trying to run, I felt like my body was being dragged backwards and it was just too exhausting. The only choice I have is to take the medication because the supplements to treat it are not tested for safe use in pregnancy. She was very nice, understanding, and even wrote out all of the information down that I would need when I got home. She printed out everything I would need to take to Iowa City.

We then headed to Iowa City. That place is impressive. So well organized and coordinated. My type A personality was a bit giddy that it was so well orchestrated. I also was put at ease by how incredibly nice the people there were. I have high standards about customer service and they were great.

We saw a total of 3 people while we were there. The first one was a nurse and after I answered all of her questions, she said, "You are going to be bounding with energy once you get started on this medicine". That made me very happy. Then we saw a med student to get more fertility related questions answered and then the PA-C, Elizabeth came in...And we learned a lot. She works not only in OBGYN, but in Reproductive Endocrinology, which is right up my alley, given my recent thyroid development.

My OB in Waterloo told me that I had PCOS but my labs came back normal and that was not expected. People with PCOS have higher male hormones. I asked Elizabeth to look back to December 2009 and see what my OB doctor found when they tested my thyroid then. It was 4.4, which she feels is on the high side of normal. She said for ideal fertility, you want it at 2.5. She said she is not convinced that I have PCOS because you can have cystic ovaries without it. She wrote out the information on PCOS (you have to meet 2 out of 3 criteria for a diagnosis) and said we would go back to this once my thyroid is under control, because it could be causing my irregular cycles.

She also wanted me to switch fertility medicine. Clomid thins out the lining of your uterus and she feels like that might be inhibiting me now. (The egg "needs a nice fluffy bed to implant") So we are switching to a drug called Femara which is used to treat breast cancer. A side effect they found was it induces ovulation so they are started to use it. Also, Clomid stays in your system for 6 weeks (which could be contributing to why I have pain so long throughout the month) but Femara does it's job and leaves within 48 hours.

We are to take a month off of trying until my thyroid is under control. My test was 7.61 and she said that for ideal fertility, they want it at 2.5 or lower. She said (as Laura had already educated me) that I would be at high risk of miscarriage with my level at 7. She said people with high thyroid levels get pregnant and they are able to manage but ideally it would be under the 2.5 mark.

I am to go in for labs in 6 weeks to see where my thyroid level is. If it's improved, then we can start the Femara. We also are going to do the IUI method at that time and we can do that here at my regular OB's office.

The other option is to do Femara with some inject-able medications and the IUI which has nearly the same success rate without the inject-ables. So we skipping the extra drugs for now.

The 3rd option is IVF, which of course we are hoping not to get to.

I also was nervous about a medication I take occasionally for palpitations or when I exercise and my heart rate gets higher than 185. (Several years ago I was diagnosed with an elevated heart rate, but have no heart problems.) The medication is not safe for pregnancy, but there may be times I will need to take it. She told me that there is a safe alternative and gave me that just in case.

All in all it was a good day. Brad came with me and even asked some great questions. Basically we feel like we've been trying and doing all of the right things and now know we really had minimal chance to hit the jackpot. I actually even feel a bit relieved about taking a month break so my mind can settle down and catch up.

With my thyroid medicine, I should start feeling better in the next 1-2 weeks so I am very hopeful about that.

Thanks to everyone who has called, texted and wrote to me over the last couple of weeks. I have great people in my life who are supportive at just the right times. This has truly been one of the most miserable months I have ever had. The feeling that you want to get better and have control of your emotions and feelings and not being able to at all, is one of the most horrible places to be. I'm thankful that I have friends and family who didn't try to give me another thing to try or tell me to "get out and have fun" or tell me "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". When someone is in their darkest hours, they just want to be wrapped up in support while they walk the journey. Hugs, calls, and supportive words...That's what helps a person heal from this madness; not not trying to give them ways to "feel better". Believe me, I have tried MANY things to try and make me feel better...Don't forget, I still visit my counselor :).

I feel a lot less crazy than I have the past few weeks. It was great to have confirmation that everything I have been feeling has been a medical situation that apparently has been brewing for a couple of years. Some doctors may have written off what I was going through solely as depression, tried to drug me up and sent me on my merry way. I also have great doctor friends (Sara, Sarah and Kelly) who have set the standard for what I will accept in a doctor and for our medical care. That paid off. The doctors who treat me now are wonderful..always digging to a root cause for me, rather than peg me in a hole with other patients they have seen. At times like this, it was priceless.

Laura has also been a great help, having this thyroid deal her whole life, and she educated me about a lot of things.

I am off this weekend because I am working 2 extra days next week. I can't wait to have a normal weekend that will hopefully help me just reset and get back to myself a bit while we wait for the Synthroid to work it's little magic.

I also told my boss that after next week, I cannot work 2nd shift for a few months because of all of this. I need regular sleep. I told him I will help out during the week, during the day, but I need to draw a line at 2nd shift for just a while. I feel a little bad about setting boundaries when the team needs help, but it's time for others to get creative and suck up some 2nd shift while I need to take care of myself. I have helped all of them out when they had family or personal things come up.

So, Happy Friday to us.

If you want the rainbow...

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.(Dolly Parton)

It sure has seemed to "rain" around here lately. But today's a big day. My thyroid appointment got rescheduled (again) and they agreed to get me in at 9 today before we go to Iowa City.

I'm looking forward to finally figuring out treatment for my thyroid because it has been driving me crazy for 2 weeks. I have NOT been even close to feeling like myself. I am also looking forward to seeing what IC says about the pregnancy thing. They are a reproductive endocrine and infertility unit, so my recent thyroid/hormone train wreck should be right up their alley.

My horoscope says today "You are about to find the missing piece to a puzzle. Some matter that has been very confusing to you is about to become crystal clear." I don't know which thing that is, but I look forward to it.

More on my plate than I can handle?

I know, there's not more on your plate than you can handle....But I think my plate is tipping over....The last two weeks have been the most stressful I've had in a few months. It's so hard. I shouldn't be stressed, I should be sleeping regularly and yet, it doesn't happen.

I go to the doctor for my thyroid issue tomorrow. I've been more stressed by it than I should. But I REALLY do not want to be on medication for it for the rest of my life. I know, I know. I can't control it. Oh, and I've had this urge to cry constantly for more than a week...Usually at the drop of a hat. Sounds like pregnancy, right? Well, apparently it must just be my thyroid throwing my hormones off. Oh, and it's impedes pregnancy. Great. Nice timing, thyroid.

I was essentially forced into working for a co-worker who I've had a really great friendship with the past 2 years. I wouldn't mind working, but there was deception and lack of respect and consideration involved in the whole thing. To make matters worse, it meant I had to work 2 days of days, 2 nights, and 3 days again. This situation did not positively contribute to my stress level or sleep schedule due to the time switch, twice and because I worked 2 extra days, I was exhausted....

We had a conference at Grandpa's nursing home last Friday. My cousins and aunt were in town, so we went to visit him. I was there starting at 11am and didn't leave until after 5:30. The visit with the family was great. The conference was stressful. Grandpa is lucid 95% of the time when he's there, because he's on a regular schedule for everything he does. When he goes home that schedule and structure go out the window and he has bad days. A bad day at home could be life threatening. It's such a hard decision to keep him in there when he's lucid most of the time and physically is getting better. While we know it's the right thing, he doesn't and wants to be at home. The home is really good and is really trying to help tailor his activities to things he wants, but he's just being stubborn. I understand, because I can't imagine how much it sucks to not be at home, but it was heart wrenching. I was so emotionally exhausting by the end of it, and to hear how angry, frustrated and depressed he can be.

At work, there is always more to be done than there is time in the week. I'm tired of people nagging me, is this done yet, is that done yet, when will this be done. When I FREAKING get to it. I hardly ever miss deadlines, but I am involved in so much that there is a lot to do. I prioritize and do what needs to be done first, or what's coming up due. But when other people's plates aren't as full, their stuff is so important. I have rarely ever missed something important, or didn't get to something that needed to be done. But some people have no patience and no perspective. Although they know I'm reliable and will get it done. Trust, people. I've never let you down by missed a deadline or not helped out. Give it a second, already. Then they added another thing to my plate. I'm not even finished with the training in my new department and they already named me the trainer for our department, which brings a whole set of new things I need to do. While I am happy for the opportunity (it's like the one thing at a building I've never done) and know it will be helpful to me developmentally, I am still working on a project from my last position that's due by the end of this month. And, though I have given up a captain-ship that I've held for the past two years, the handoff of lots of projects I'm tasked with hasn't happened yet. Oh, and to boot, I'm probably going to end up being named captain of another group. Again, while I welcome the opportunity, it's another thing on the plate. I could work 7 days a week for a month and maybe get half done. Not to mention this workload isn't good for me right now either. And adding in the hormones that are probably raging due to my thyroid, it makes for me being a hot mess.

Thought I was done? Oh no. It goes on. One of the team members I worked with in Virginia died last week very unexpectedly. So sad. He was an extremely sweet person who worked his tail off. When I went back to visit in November, he quickly came up to me and gave me a hug. He said he wished I was coming back because he really missed me and it wasn't quite the same without me. I think it's even harder because I just saw him and he said something so sweet and personal. Heart. Breaking.

So I guess it's no surprise that my pregnancy result this week was again negative. Frustrating because January was the first month we got a positive ovulation test and really got the timing right. And a confession, We knew I would be ovulating when Brad went away on business, so I went with him. Can't waste a month of medication...So this is my last month on Clomid and I called the doctor to get my refill and find out how I get referred to Iowa City.They were able to get me in next Thursday. I was really shocked that I got in so quickly. This week I heard another encouraging story about someone at work who was diagnosed with unexplained fertility and did the insemination step in Iowa City with both of her pregnancies and had success. While I'm happy for her and the other co-worker who went to Iowa City, it's no guarantee we will have success. And I continue to have heartache around IVF, if it's recommended. I really in my heart do not want to go through it. It feels selfish and makes me question, does that mean I really don't want kids, because I don't want to do everything medically possible? I'm still really excited about the adoption route and (extremely) slowly am trying to come to grips with the fact it's ok to choose adoption over IVF. My friends and family are convinced that if we adopt a child, I'll get pregnant then. Well, we can hope, can't we.

People keep telling me I need a vacation. I need to just get away and slow down. But the problem is, I don't want to vacation or slow down without Brad. If I go away somewhere just to run away for a while, I want him to come to and he can't just leave work right now. Not to mention he has to manage his vacation time in a smart way this year. I don't know. The first step right now is getting to the doctor tomorrow and hoping I will start to feel better once we sort out this thyroid thing.

Let's Be Honest

I never thought I'd get to this point. I am so happy for my friends who are pregnant. I feel sad that they don't want to tell because they think I'll be upset. I hate that. I don't want them to pity me. I want to share in their joy. I am truly happy for them, but I will admit, after all that happiness, there's a little hole in my heart for the struggle we are having. It doesn't matter if they tell me or not, I always have a little sadness every day. I'll be watching some reality TV and see real life siblings or parents who love their children with incredible abundance and I find myself longing for that feeling myself. And now it makes me at least tear up every time. I hate I'm at this place. I hate that I'm getting frustrated, because I don't like that feeling and because it's not good for the process.

It almost makes mad that there isn't really truly anything wrong, it's just taken a long time to figure what my body wants to do and adapt. I feel the clock ticking. Loudly. If we aren't successful this month or next, we have to go to Iowa City. I really don't want to do that. I'm so not prepared to attempt IVF if that's what they recommend. I really don't want to do it. It makes me feel selfish that I'm concerned about how it will affect me (I hate taking medications, etc) and what it will mean financially.

Right after I went off the pill, Brad and I talked about how we would handle it if something was wrong. We didn't want to be in the throws of this and trying to make decisions. That's how marriages are destroyed through this. We decided we would go as far as we were comfortable financially (we decided we would not be accumulating mounds and mounds of debt and mortgaging our house again for it). I don't judge others that do, it's just not for us. Brad has been so supportive of my not wanting to do rounds and rounds of IVF, if it's recommended. We have agreed we would both be very sad if we couldn't have one of our own, but that we were open to adopting. That also would be extremely hard, but I can't fight the feeling that it's something we are meant to do. I also wouldn't count out the fact we might eventually get pregnant on our own later.

This whole thing makes me want to be around my nieces and nephews even more. When Hunter and Ian see me, they run to me and give me a big hug and ask to come stay overnight at my house. I find myself looking forward to spring break and hope I can keep them at least one night. I just love being around them and their hugs and kisses and wanting to show me their crazy shenanigans. It helps feel that tiny hole for while.

If at first you don't succeed...

try, try again. Not pregnant in December so we'll try again in January. The doctor says Jan and Feb are really the last months I can be on Clomid before they have to refer me out. If we don't succeed, off to Iowa City we go.

Good news: my body is being more cooperative.

Confessions

**Warning - this definitely contains 'too much information'. So I started writing this post on Wednesday morning. But the end of Wednesday, the tone of this post changed. So I'll give you a taste of the morning and the evening.

8am:
The most frustrating part of this infertility process is that I haven't been able to get a positive test result for the LH hormone that says I'll be ovulating. Since starting Clomid, I have been using these home tests, following all of the directions and nothing. The crazy part, is that I go in for labs every month and they are so happy about how great my body is reacting to the Clomid and that I have ovulated. In October I went back to the doctor and they said I should start testing earlier. In September I also switched to digital tests that are hopefully a little easier. So here comes November, and negative...like 87 times. I was annoyed. I haven't really gotten very stressed out about this whole process because each month we have learned something new about this process. But I will admit, after all of these negatives in November, I was darn frustrated. I then found out a couple of my friends are pregnant. For the first time, I was truly pissed off. Really? People are accidentally getting pregnant and I can't find the freaking day I ovulate? On this morning, I tested again - Negative. Seriously? How is this possible? The labs are saying I'm ovulating but I'm somehow testing all day every day, according to the directions and nothing.

7pm
Tested again. Got distracted. Almost left the house. Remembered that I haven't checked the test. Run back into the house. It's been more than 10 minutes. Results are now void. Click the eject button on digital tester to angrily throw it in the trash. Smiley face appears! Now, on the digital test, the smiley face means the hormone is there and you are going to ovulate. BUT it's been like 15 minutes so the results could be incorrect. Brad and I mini-celebrate on the way to dinner with giant smiles on our faces. Have to wait until 11pm to test again for accuracy. How will I stay awake?

11pm
Didn't stay awake. Wake up on couch. Test again. SMILEY FACE! Whoot! A positive result. I still can't believe it. Two good things this month.

Yeehaw!

Baby Making Update

So the test went really well - no blockages and everything normal! Yay! When I went for my check up last month, the doctor discovered I was testing for ovulation too late in the month (even though I was following all of the documentation for my cycle length). So they want me to start testing earlier and we know we have no 'tube issues'. This will be the first month we can do that.

They are going to give us a couple more months on the Clomid. We also can do the IUI next month, which we will do -- They don't like to do it the month of an HSG test because the dye could kill the little swimmers.

Now that my stress level has decreased 10 notches and I'm on a semi-normal schedule, I'm hopeful things will come together nicely. :)

Baby Making Update

Today we are going in for an HSG test. They use dye to check and make sure the tubes have no blockages. They say that the doctor will be able to see what's going on right away and we will know immediately what the results are.

If there are any blockages or if we don't have success in the next couple of months, they may refer us to Iowa City. I'm actually more nervous for the procedure than the result. I'm not really anxious if we have to go to Iowa City because I've heard the Iowa City infertility team is really excellent.

Wish us luck!

So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why, It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time ~Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day

Beware – posting has updates regarding my girlie parts.

The last 9 months have been an interesting journey regarding fertility. Recently, I’ll admit, I’ve been sick of peeing on sticks to test for the ovulation hormone. With the craziness of my cycle, it was very hard to tell if/when I was ovulating at all. I have taken Clomid 2 months in a row and still got a negative on my test (my schedule complications things because you are supposed to test at the same time every day).  Even my lab came back negative for the hormone last month. I told Brad that I don’t even care if we have a chance to get pregnant in a month, if that dang test would be positive just once so I knew my ovaries were cooperating.

Last week I started having cramps (like the monthly kind) and I chalked it up to all that’s going on in my body, especially since I should have been ovulating during the week. (all of my tests had been negative) On Friday, I could hardly stand up. I took some Midol and went to work, but was in a lot of pain. Basically it felt like someone was ripping my right ovary out my body. I called the doctor’s office and she told me that they think it’s just a cyst and to take ibuprofen and if that doesn’t work, go to the ER, because it’s something else. And then she told me that my labs for this month came back. My hormone level was great! She said last month it was 1.3 and this month it was 20 something! The meds are working!

The doctor’s nurse that I usually talk to called me back today, because she wasn’t there on Friday when I called. She said this is very common with people on Clomid and cysts flare up. She said that my ultrasound came back and said that I do have several small cysts around both of my ovaries and that this could continue. Oh, fun. I can’t wait for next month.

So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why… I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though we are only a few months into this infertility thing, sometimes it’s hard for me to be patient. Especially when so many people get pregnant with babies they don’t want or can’t take care of. But I really have tried to make the best of this test…spent the time trying to figure out what changes we are going to have to make when we get pregnant, deciding how I want to take care of myself, and just plain trying to get myself a little bit sane. I like to plan things. This has allowed me to wrap my head around what things will be like. Keeping my nephews 2 weekends out of the month helped that, too. I really got a test of what having little ones around is like: fun, but crazy.

So I’ll keep making the best and avoid asking why. Everything will turn out exactly the way it was meant to be.

Maybe this time next year, this will be me. 

9AUG

July Sabbatical

Oh blog world, I’ve been away the whole month of July. What’s been going on?

I haven’t taken a full week off of work since we moved back to Iowa (16 months ago). The longest vacation I have been on was last October for 5 days. It takes at least 3-4 days to disconnect from my work and to seriously be “away”.  I work hard. But I also love to play hard. I was at the point in a previous job of complete burnout and total exhaustion and have vowed never to get there again.  The recent months’ fiasco with trying to get time off  when I don’t get to see my friends and family much has been taking a toll on me.  I told my co-workers that I would be taking time off in July & August since I didn’t take time off at the holidays because my family had some things going on. I only worked one week of my regular schedule so far this month. I decided to call my time away, my sabbatical.

I found this definition on  The Sabbatical Coach:

A sabbatical is a period away from your normal routine – a time to immerse yourself in a different environment, a chance to see your life from a different perspective. 

 He also shares four of the reasons people take them. I fall into this category:

Rejuvenation

The third category I see is people who are on track in life and know it. They have a clear sense of their life purpose and see their work as a vocation. Because they are so driven by their passion and purpose, these people are prone to overwork and burn out. For this group the sabbatical is a way to rest and renew so that they can come back to their life’s work reenergized and ready for more.

Here’s how I spent most of July: running a 5k, attended a wedding, camping, playing cards with my parents, running with Dad,  hanging out with Laura (my best friend from high school) and her husband Jeremy, road tripping with Brad, lounging and browsing at Barnes & Noble, eating out with friends, learning how to hunt ghosts, golfing with Brad, hanging in a hot tub, making breakfast with Brad, grilling, sitting by a fire, reading, spending time with Tim and Shannen, drinking (alot of) margaritas with Shannen, teaching everyone we interacted with how to play Up & Down The River, getting my haircut, going to a (great) Twins game, getting acupuncture, downing fertility meds, visiting my counselor, attending my new niece, Emily’s baby shower, hanging with my sister Tiffany, dancing on Jessica’s bar, playing sand volleyball, going to the NASCAR race  in Newton, hitting the casino with my parents, and spending 2 weekends with my nephews. (oh and getting pulled over on the nights I actually did work in July).

Pictures are forthcoming, but I am still alive.