A Tremendous Burden

So I really have been meaning to be better about logging things about life. There are about 613 times every day that I wish I recorded, video taped, or blogged instantly about things that happen or are said in our house.  Today was a significant day for us. It was likely the last court date before the judge decides the permanency for the littles who are living with us.  Of course the goal is for us to be their forever family if they need one. The judges usually don't take more than 90 days and could rule right away. Have I mentioned I love the amount of waiting we do around here. Or not. While spending a half day (thankfully not all day) in court was significant, the conversations we had while there were more significant. It's an extraordinary experience to speak with the parents of children when those parents know if their kids don't go home, you will likely end up being their children's forever family.

What do you say to someone about how you will take care of their children for the rest of their lives? How do you provide comfort that you will do the best that you can to ensure their children have a wonderful life? How do you even begin to express gratitude when a parent says "we think we know how this is going to go and if it does, you seem like a nice family".  Saying you promise to take great care of them, if that's how this goes, and that you promise to give them a great life, it seems too small. Whether parents' relationships with their children are severed voluntarily or involuntarily, it is a tremendous burden to bear. In our situation, I feel a huge sense of obligation to do better than my best at being a parent if these kids end up a part of our forever family. Not only to we owe ourselves and these children this obligation, there are many other people connected to these little lives that are counting on us. Now, it will not always be a daily burden, but I already think of it sometimes and can only imagine how many times it will pop into my head for the rest of my life.

It was an emotional day for everyone. Listening to someone petition for you to be the ones responsible for these precious little faces is almost indescribable. Watching a mother smile through her many tears while she listens to someone describe how wonderful her kids are doing, is almost more than a heart can take.

Today I wanted to just be emotional. I held back as much as I could. My time will come in the next couple of days to just bawl my eyes out to get out all of this emotion. Today was about them. I told Brad later that for me, was about comforting the hearts of these reeling parents that if their family ends up separated, their babies will be in great hands. I promised them. I hugged them. Reassurance that there is no judgement from us; that we all have struggles in life. I wish I could have told them more. I wish they could understand how much my heart aches for them and at the same time is singing for what the future might hold for our family. I'm not bi-polar, but sometimes I think my heart is.

At least one of their family members knows we haven't been able to have our own kids. One person said they will be so happy if they end up with us because they want them to be together and think they will be so loved.....They have no idea.