Adoption Day

Is it even possible that it's been 3 months exactly, since adoption day? My last post was about the home stretch of our wait, today it's been 3 months since the adoption. How does that happen? All of those years of waiting and now we are looking in the rear view mirror at that big day. Here's a bit of catch up about Dellitville.

I had to explain to the kids at some point why we were going to court, because as far as they  have ever known, they were always staying with us. So telling them we had to go "make it official" was a bit weird. I explained it like when Mommy and Daddy got married. We got married at a church in front of our friends and we were married, but we had to sign and send in paperwork. I told them adoption was kind of the same thing. We are a forever family, but we had to go to see the judge and tell him for sure that we want to be together forever. Knya once asked me "Will he tell you to 'sign here'"? She kills me - I told her that I was pretty sure he would make us sign some paperwork but the their names would be changed. {About a week before we found out the kids would be staying for sure, she randomly told me she thought her old last name was boring and that she wanted to change it - I told her we could talk about it - It was almost that she could sense everything that was happening right before it happened.}

Leading up to the day, Knya kept telling me that she was going to break dance for the judge because she was so happy. I asked both she and Mo what they were going to tell the judge when we got there and they said "We want to be a forever family!!". I have video of the days leading up - It's too cute - I will post them on my Shutterfly picture/video site that I am creating. {The link will be on the left side bar when I get it done}.

Adoption Day happened on February 28, 2013 - It was a Thursday and was a fantastic day that I couldn't have planned any better. Knya wore a dress and shoes that she picked out, especially for the big day. She was so excited, and couldn't wait to change her name. I picked out Mo's outfit for him and boy did he look handsome. We got up early , got everyone ready and in some bizarre twist of the universe, all 4 of us were ready to go, ahead of time.  We got to the courthouse early so we could meet our village who was coming to cheer us on. We had to move to a bigger courtroom because we had so many people and our friend Beth took pictures. I knew I wanted to capture pictures, but wanted to focus on the moments so I asked if she would take the pictures instead. She did an amazing job.

We signed {yet more} paperwork when we got to the courthouse and then went in to sit at the tables. Our village sat in audience and we waited for the judge. The kids were on our laps and we turned around to talk to everyone while we waited. Knya, who is usually really outgoing in front of people she knows, clammed up and just smiled sweetly, but didn't say much. Mo on the other hand, hammed it up. He was talking about his car, his outfit, everything. At one point, he randomly said "Everyone in here say 'Forever Family!'". It was the cutest thing. Ever.

The judge came out and Mo asked "Are you the judge?" The judge told him yes and then told Mo he liked his sweater vest. He told the judge that he had just gotten it. The judge asked us some questions and then had to swear us in for the official stuff. He asked Brad and I to raise our right hands. We did. And so did Mo. The judge noted for the record that all 3 of us had been sworn in. The funniest part of the whole thing was that the court reporter had to document everything he was saying. I really need to get a copy of that transcript.

When we were done, we did pictures with everyone in the courtroom. We got the whole village in one picture. Several people had to go back to work, but we went to lunch with my parents, grandparents, Brad's dad and Kelly and Amanda.  Then we headed home.

We pulled Knya out of school for the whole day and Brad had taken the whole day off, so we were left to our devices. There was a lot of snow on the ground - We had a blizzard a couple of days before - so we decided to go sledding - just the 4 of us. And it was awesome. The perfect day.

Home Stretch

We met our adoption worker about 2 weeks ago and he takes over our case from here on out.  We first have to hit our 6 month mark of the kids living with us, which happens tomorrow!  Next we have to secure a lawyer (which I never realized we needed - that was one thing we were told we didn't need...but oh well).

The worker who is transitioning off the case was at the meeting and let me know we have a review hearing on 2/28/13 already so we are all hoping we can get the paperwork done and shipped around and back for that hearing. DHS can start processing our paperwork after tomorrow, so we'll see if the rat race can meet our desires!

I am already planning a party for our friends and family, but probably not until March. I have to find the time to be able to do it, and I'm hoping to do it during spring break, so nobody has school, including me.

I also am going to start using a notes app on my phone to jot down great moments or things they say so I can recall them to blog. Here are some recent ones: 

• Even though Little Man is potty trained except for his night time pull up, he has been inconsistent about  making good decisions to get to the bathroom when he is playing and other times.  So this week after 2 accidents in one day at day care, we reviewed our 3 daily reminders:
• Be a good listener
• Always tell the truth
• Go potty in the toilet

I felt the need to review that his pants are NOT considered an acceptable toilet. So I tacked on a new saying to his favorite, "No more ackidents!" with "My pants are not a toi-let". So I repeat: You will go potty because....And he jumps in "MY PANTS ARE NOT A TOILET". It's pretty hilarious and I need to get a video.

• This week Sweet Pea told me that she is going to be a rock star when she grows up. She keeps making up songs for everything and like her momma, can't get enough of music. She did not say she wants to be, but she will be one. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be cool if that happened. Hahaha.

• Little Man is super snuggly. What great moments. These are the ones that make me want to do this. For me and for them.

• We have told the kids that they will be adopted, hopefully in February. She wants it to hurry up and get here because she "can't wait anymore" (Yeah, she's my kid - 0 patience) and wants to change her last name to Dellit. I have described it to her as this: We are your forever family, but we have to go see the judge and tell him what it's been like living with all of us and that you are ok with us being your mommy and daddy forever. Her response: "Will he then tell you to sign here". She is so freaking smart.

• He also knows that he will be adopted and keeps saying his name and adds DELLIT at the end. He can actually say Dellit better than his real first name or middle names. We are still torn as to what to do here with his name. His name is a bit, out of the norm - Usually I'm ok with that, but I want to ensure it doesn't complicate his life. We knew we would be dropping at least one of his middle names but I also want to keep part of his history. It's extremely important to me. Jessica made a great suggestion, so we are simmering on her suggestion because we both like it. Alot.

• She has really turned into a girly girl. She likes to play dress up and got lots of cool outfits from Dani that she just loves. She also has has gotten him into. He thinks it's cool to dress up in high heels and fling around pom-poms.

Pictures soon; promise.

I also am still working on my MBA, and volunteering a lot. I am actually headed to Dallas next week for a Alz Assoc leadership conference and I am stoked. Both about it being warm and the conference itself.

Brad is doing well - Working as usual and settling into being a dad. He is really liking a trauma training we are doing through our foster/adopt support group. It's a fabulous training and we are getting a lot of out it.

People have asked if we will stop after this adoption. We haven't made any definite plans out loud, but I don't think we are done. But we have to be selective while I'm in school to make sure we can accommodate any kiddo(s) who needs us. We'll see what happens. Brad did ask for a break for a bit -- I think I can give him one - it's well deserved.

THE Call, er, E-mail!

Sorry I am a little late in updating, but man the holidays are busy and fun! I was trying as hard as I possibly could to be patient during our 15 day wait for the appeals process to be over. I didn't hear anything on day 15 and then on day 16, I emailed the social worker. We exchanged a couple of messages and then she said she couldn't stand not knowing and called one of the lawyers. The lawyer indicated there would be NO appeal and

WE GET TO ADOPT THE KIDS!

I was the only one home, trying to take advantage of cleaning and organizing. I BAWLED. Then I texted Bob - I promised him when he was like 6 that he would be the first one to know when I got pregnant. Since that didn't happen, this was the next best thing! Then I called Brad and my sisters and parents and then my immediate village who has  been so important in our adventure.

So we got to enjoy Christmas as a family (insert huge smile) and none of this was weighing on my shoulders. It was wonderous.

In mid-January we will switch to an adoption social worker who will help us pick a date in February to go to court and then,  BAM. We are officially, officially, 100% , totally, completely OFFICIAL!

We have to wait until after the first week of February as the kids have to live with you 6 months before you can adopt, but so glad that isn't too far away.

I am working on a Shutterfly site where you can go see the kids as soon as this is complete. I will likely not post much on Facebook because I can control who accesses the Shutterfly site.

Also the kids are so excited that they get to change their name to Dellit...It's the cutest thing ever.

Season of My Life

I have missed blogging terribly but have really been in a state of what can only be best described as unrest. I am clearly passing through what Fleetwood Mac sang about as the "seasons of my life". The past couple of months have been filled with so much emotion and internal anxiety for me that I often long for those quiet moments where I can just be.

The branches of my life that drive my anxiety are several - my job, the future of my job, my deep down desire for what I want my career to be, my legacy in this world, our house guests, our future children, our infertility journey and my intense desire to help people, give back and be involved in our community and even my blog.

I pondered why I blog and whether or not it's worth the time, because in actuality, with Facebook around these days, I often wonder if it's necessary or if it's read regularly. I used to be a faithful blogger, every couple of days and I loved it. I loved going back and reading what I wrote and remembering where I was mentally and emotionally and seeing how much I have grown since my old posts. I started the blog originally so I could keep all of our friends and family in Iowa updated on what we were doing in Virginia. Then FB came along and it seems we all keep up to date that way. So I've been doing some soul searching about whether or not this is something I want to spend my time on. I came close to a complete answer. Facebook helps keep friends up to date and helps me stay connected to people - I truly love that aspect of it. But I also have always had a diary of some kind and always LOVE going back and reading it. Some of the vacations, etc we have been on I also want to remember, but I don't think posting everything/every picture is what I want to do either. So what I've decided on is this: This blog will go back to being my diary that it was in the beginning - About things we are doing, but mostly how I'm feeling about the things we are doing, what's going on in the world, etc.  Sometimes that might be vacations, our foster parenting journey, or just musing in life because this brain RARELY shuts off and I always have something churning up there. Mostly my thoughts will selfishly be for me, but I love when others read and comment, too. That's a super big bonus.

“If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” 

― Benjamin Franklin

Career woman - I have been contemplating alot lately about what I want to do. We never really considered we'd be moving back to Iowa, we always thought our move back to the midwest would take us to Minneapolis. I have been asked several times if I want to take a job there next and have even been asked by people leaving positions if I would be interested in them throwing my name in the hat as their replacements. As a person who has always been in the game of self development and taking on the next logical challenge in my career, it's been extremely hard to put the brakes on this while walking the foster parenting journey. I have given many, many good, full speed years to my career and 6 of them to T. I know in my heart and gut that it's the right thing to be ok taking a break from full speed ahead and focus on family - This is the right time for us and we are surrounded by all the right people. And honestly, everyone at work as been unbelievably supportive of our journey and encouraging all the way. I have worked places before that this would not have been as "easy" from a work perspective. It also helps that several people I work with have faced or are facing infertility, miscarriages or other family planning obstacles, too.

There's no question that I want to continue my career and I am not considering leaving it - It's in my blood - I am not the stay at home type (at least at this point in my life). I don't how SAHM or single moms do it. They are saints in my book. The questions I have to answer here are several and are hard for me to answer. There were several bumps in the road at my work when I got back here that have possibly (I believe) taken me out of the running for the job that I actually want - A job where I would get to lead leaders. (It's a long story, but is somewhat chronicled in old posts if you want to dig). I can wait here and keep trying for this job that may never be mine, move to Minneapolis to take a job that's a step up (now or sometime in the future) and that I would be really good at, but isn't really what I want to do forever, I can leave and go somewhere locally where I can lead leaders like I want to, or I can stay in the job I'm in for the next year or so. (Usually they move your positions after 18 months and there's not alot of things I want to do in our building. I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize. It's what I do. While my soul isn't completely settled, I have decided for the time being this: The job I have right now allows me to do some amazing things. I belong to a local advocacy group called Cedar Valley Citizens For Undoing Racism that is trying to get off the ground. I have volunteered to be the resident website creator and ongoing webmaster. I am able to attend the meetings and help shape how the organization is coming together. (remember "I need a challenge, I need chaos to manage and organize.") Being the webmaster is something I can do any time of day and while we have house guests I can't be flexible in other ways, but can give back in this way. And at the meetings I try to add some direction for organization.

The bottom line is that I really would love to have a job where I can help people - Think directing/leading at the Red Cross or something similar. The problem is I really love where I work. I love the chaos, the adventure, and what I do. But it doesn't really help anybody. But it always me to help people. It provides access to people, events, and organizations that allow me to give back. And the professional flexibility to follow this foster journey. This job allows me to help connect the company with organizations and activities in our community. Not to mention I got to go to UNI yesterday and mentor/advise students, which I also love.

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”

- Buddha

I (we) have decided that staying here right now allows me to have a great job with a great company and give back and allows us to continue fostering and hopefully build our family. I would love to stay in the department I am in now for another year or two and hopefully I will get to. If I change, there is one area I have my eye on if I can't stay in this department. Some people would say I'm crazy for not taking advantage of the opportunities that could await me in MN, however, we really feel like the right thing for us right now is to build our family and try and spend more time with our family that's here. It's a total catch-22 because if we lived in MN I would have weekends off and may actually get more time with my family here. Right now I work Saturday - Monday and usually Wednesdays, too. That weekend schedule does nothing for me getting to see my nephews and nieces. Pretty much I love and hate having this fork in my road at all. I love that others see what I do as valuable and that they like working with me, but right now is the time build our family and I wish I could just be happy with that and stop going back in forth in my ADD brain. While all of this is going on, I question whether I should try and go for the "leading leaders" job. Pretty much the events of 2 years ago have all but eroded my confidence in doing that role. And I'm not convinced the people who would be my peers want me to do that or even could see me doing that role. And I hate both of those things more than I can say.

Brad and I also attend monthly foster parent support group meetings. The meetings are partially for training and partially to grow your network of foster parents in case you need support, respite, or whatever. It takes longer to coordinate who will watch the munchkins that it does to go to the meetings sometimes, but we make the time. We really enjoy going to these meetings as they are beneficial and always expand our small amount of knowledge about foster parenting, the courts, the process, and our community. (I guess foster parenting is a way to help our community, too, although I don't often think of it that way. I just think of it as something we do to help children, families, and as a bonus, fulfill our desire to be parents and hopefully lead to building our permanent family. But I guess helping children and families is actually giving to the community - I just don't always take a step back to see it that way.) The family we are helping now has expressed thanks to us for all we do and that makes it worthwhile on the days it can be the most hard. We also get really good feedback from all of the people we work with so this is pretty much the only thing in our lives right now that I'm completely content with. This is what we are supposed to be doing.

Having said that, our house guests will likely not be staying come June. We don't know anything for sure yet and what I do know, of course, I can't share.  It's great to see things work out and see families back together, but my heart is starting to break, I'm not going to lie. The house guests will be gone this weekend for the first time since they came to our house and I'm dreading the drop off in 1.5 hours. I know it's the right thing, but this week I wasn't ready to handle all of this...

Doctor - (warning - some discussion about girl parts here) The reason it's a bit overwhelming this week is I went back to the doctor. The doctor with all of the pregnant people milling around. The doctor with millions of pictures of moms with their babies on the wall. When you are walking this road, you can't help but feel like a total failure when you walk in and around that office. It's no one's fault. It would be that way at any doctor of that kind. The doctor shared that there is really no limit on how long I can take the medication or do IUIs, but the probabilities go down after you have had 6 IUIs that you will get pregnant that way. For some people it becomes more financially feasible to try IVF (which is really the next method) if they are going to do a high number of IUIs. So the doctor wrote me a prescription for 4 more months (we have done 2 IUIs - It would probably take us about 6-7 months to actually get our 4 months in) I should  be excited, right? And, not so much. And I feel a bit guilty about it. It's an embarrassing process, it's difficult logistically at times and deep down in my heart, I'm not that hopeful. A reasonably big part of me wants to forgo this and just try on our own and if it happens, great. If not, well, I feel I can be at peace with that. I just don't know if I'm ready to go through another year of disappointment. I just can't help wonder if we should stop going down this road because it's not the road we are supposed to be on. Should we be focusing more on the fostering and adoption route?

I would adopt 10 kids if I could and Brad knows I'm only partially kidding when I say that. I would love to love, mentor, nurture, and provide a home to as many as we can possibly handle, no matter what the age. I know it would be incredibly hard. But my gut is pulling me just like it pulled me to move to Virginia. And when my gut speaks, I listen. I have a special place in my heart for those about ready to age out of the system with no place to go for holidays. It breaks my heart over and over. The only part of me that keeps me going down this horribly embarrassing, depressing path is that I always dreamed of what babies made of me and Bradley would look like...what they would be like..We used to talk about what flaws, features and annoying habits of ours they would have - And it made us laugh. We don't talk about that anymore. Not that we can't, or even that we've said we don't want to. We just don't.  I've been forging on with this treatment process when my heart says stop but my brain says go. And I couldn't figure out the tug of war until now.

I've come to terms recently that the part that is so agonizing and painful in my heart about this entire journey is the realization that there may never be a little "Brandrea" running around that was the product of our friendship and our awesome love story. It hurts to think it. It hurts to type it. It's almost more than I can bear.    But I realize now that it's part of what has had me so unsettled, so anxious. It's pain I have to walk through, that I have to face. I know it won't hurt this much forever, but it's an awful pain to face. I chalk up most of what we go through to being our journey, our journey to parenthood. I know several people now who have gone the "non-traditional" route to parenthood and I am usually oddly at ease about where we are going. I have met so many people, heard so many stories and infertility has changed my life a lot of ways, for the better. (Weird.)  I realize now it's not the infertility that hurts most or the fact that we have had to undergo this struggle that hurts most. I couldn't figure out why most of the time I am more at peace with where we are going, but some days, deep down, something hurt alot - and now I know what is is.

With all of this coming to head this week, National Infertility Awareness Week and facing some milestones with our house guests homeward journey, I'm exhausted. And I haven't even started my work week yet. But so I go on. I have an amazing support system, amazing friends and family. But sometimes, what I need is solitude. Time to digest all of this myself. It helps me sail the tides and work on handling this season of my life.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

And can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

- Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)

Life Changing Day

As you may have read on Facebook, we got our foster care license in the mail on Friday, November 5th. We also received our approval to adopt out of foster care. Yes, when I opened the envelope and saw these two pieces of paper, I cried. Finally, a route to parenthood that might actually succeed. A truly life changing day.

This means we are now "dually licensed" and can be utilized as a "concurrent" home. In Iowa the law is that DHS must find a permanent home for children 3 & under in 12 months and if about 18-24 months for children 4 and older. We could be selected to be a foster home for kids that need a foster home, but whose workers are asking for a "concurrent" home. That means that the foster parents may be interested in adopting the kids if they are not able to be reunified with their families. Remember that reunification is always the goal. It just depends on the adults in the situation and if they can get their situations on track.

So we patiently wait for the call of duty...I swear, if there was a waiting club out there somewhere, I could be it's president it in a heartbeat.

We have had so many friends and family offer to help, send clothes, bring clothes, bring supplies, offer daycare referrals, offer advice....It's been wonderful and feels like this is what was meant to be.

A quick update on the other front - We were not able to do IUI this month because my body decided to surprise us and I was out of town for the day. When we can't do the IUI, there is always the old fashioned way. :) If this round doesn't work, we have 3 months remaining we can be on the medication. So again....we wait.

Adjustments & Questions

To say that the response to our "going public" with our intent to foster and adopt has been wonderful and overwhelming would be an understatement. Our fantastic friends and family have been literally unbelievable. We could not ask for a more supportive group of fabulous people in our lives.

I appreciate the questions that have come via email and conversations. I thought it would be good to post the questions as I get them so that we can share them.

I also thought this would be a great way to document the changes to our lives so we can capture them for the future.

We have never truly baby-proofed out house, so no better time than the present, right? These outlet covers are so good I can hardly get them off. Which I supposed means a 1 year old will be able to whip them off in 2 seconds flat.

As a requirement of our licensing we have to lock up all prescription medications and household cleaners. So that we don't have to keep a key somewhere and then hide it from kids, we decided to get a lock on our linen closet similar to our front door. We did this before our first home visit. We thought we might as well do it right away and start getting used to it. It actually hasn't been that big of an adjustment and is probably a darn good idea anyway, given we have lots of little people in our life.

This is one of our spare bedrooms that we have cleaned out and rearranged to accommodate our foster children. We are contemplating painting this room, but aren't sure yet. It's been one of three rooms in our house that's painted a color that I don't love. We already painted one which is my bathroom. This one will probably be next on the list.

It's a rule of foster care that you cannot allow children to sleep in pack-n-plays. I believe it has something to do with all of the recalls, etc and how they cannot be sure you are using one that is considered safe. If you want to take kids on overnights to hotels, camping, etc. you have to take a port-a-crib. It's about 35% the size of a regular crib. It's definitely not as convenient as a pack-n-play, but what do you do.....

My wonderful husband read well when he ordered the port-a-crib and saw that the mattress wasn't very good so he ordered another one that is much better. Sophie decided she wanted to check this thing out that the strange man at the door brought to us.

We also have to lock up our "outside" hazardous chemicals that you would keep in your garage or shed. A couple of weeks ago our shelf in the shed fell down and made this lovely mess that I hadn't gotten around to resolving in the 100 degree heat. I decided that before our 2nd home visit that I wanted to have this wrapped up and sent Brad to get a new shelving unit that we use to house all of our stuff and then put a lock on the shed.

The new shelf that Bradley put together

After a couple of hours and my stellar organizing skills, here's the new, improved, organized, hazard-contained shed. I am actually quite proud of my masterpiece. :)

Here are some of the questions that we have gotten since sending & posting our letter.

Will you be able to post pictures or use their first names?
I'm honestly not entirely sure. We haven't really talked about social media yet in our class, but I assume it's coming. I am going to guess and say yes we can do these things. Their names are not a secret, but their situations are private.

How many children will you foster at a time?
We will be certified for 2 children to start out with. This means we will only be able to have 2 at one time. However, if a sibling group was available that we decided we wanted to accept and there were 3 of them, DHS can issue us a variance to allow this. My biggest question was about what if we have 2 kids and then someone is available for adoption, how does that work. The answer is since we can only have 2 kids, we would need a variance to accept that 3rd child that we would be working to adopt.

Are you open to adopting many children?
We haven't landed on a firm number at this point. We are learning about all of the different kids and situations. For example, this week during our class and home visit, we talked a lot about kids who are 17 or so and are ready to age out of the system, but really want to be adopted into a family that they can share their life, holidays, and experiences with. They also need help with applying to college and for scholarships, etc. We hadn't really thought much about these kids since we are most interested in raising a couple of kids from younger ages. So I guess we'll see where this journey takes us.

How soon will this happen once you get your license.
We will be done with our class at the end of July and our licensing worker tells us that DHS is taking about 2 months to get all of the paperwork done and licenses sent out. After that, we just wait for a call and a child with a set of circumstances we take on.

How many kids will be placed at any given time?
Because we will be certified for 2 kids at one time, that's the amount we can have placed, unless we have a variance.

Will they be in daycare or will one of you stay home?
We will both be still working full time, but our schedules are quite conducive for this process right now. Brad works M-F and I work Sat, Sun, and Mon. We are currently working on daycare for Mondays and for any meetings/appointments I have during the week. I would say this is the part I am most unsure of at this point. I'll admit I'm nervous about being able to find someone what will be able to help us during the week at the times we need. And of course, I am going to have to be better at balancing work and that has already been quite the adjustment. :)

How long is the average stay time?
That actually depends on a lot of factors. We will get an initial estimate when we get the call about the child as to how long DHS estimates the child will be placed. It then depends on the situation with the family, are their other family members that can foster or want/can have the child placed with them. It depends on the court system and the length of time it gives the parents to be able to turn around their situation and whether or not they are making progress. It could literally be a couple of days or week up to more than a year. One thing we have learned through our class is that kids in the 0-3ish age range, they want to have a permanency plan for within 6 months-year and the older kids before 18 months.

If you get pregnant, will you continue to foster?
We plan on taking this one as it comes. We could very well have a child in our home and get pregnant. We have talked about how we would handle that and incorporate that into our life and the life of any child staying with us. I think it's fair to say that we may take a break or be more selective on what we would take on if we are able to get pregnant.

Will this affect family time or do they encourage being around extended family?
I would say the only way this would affect family time is the same way it affects people with their own kids. We may have to make decisions based on what's going on with the kids and our schedules like anyone else. As for being around extended family, the view is that the more positive, caring people that can be incorporated into these kids' lives, the better. We don't plan on stopping anything based on foster parenting, but more making the same decisions that other parents make based on moods, sleep schedules, etc.

Why the secrecy around the families?
This is for a few reasons. Think if you were struggling with an addiction or other problem and having your business public and people talking about you. Think about being a child who is already having a hard time being ripped from their parents, home, school, family, etc and then have people talking about your family right in front of you. There is a respect for the families and their privacy. I have to say I was pretty surprised about this and the farther we get in this process, I'm glad it's this way. No better way to teach respect then demonstrate it from the get go.

A Letter From Brad & Andrea

Dear Friends and Family,

Some of you are aware how challenging the last five years have been for Brad and I. We are about to embark on a brand new chapter of our lives and feel now is the right time to share where we are going.

More than 5 years ago we began our journey to start our own family and have run into a few forks in our path. We are still pursuing options to have our own children, but this year decided to also pursue adoption routes. A friend provided us information about adopting children out of the foster care system, who are looking for permanent homes. After reviewing what this journey entails, we knew in our hearts this was a path for us. In May, we started a 10 week class and a process required in order to work toward licensing. (You have to have your foster care license if you want to adopt kids out of foster care, even if you don’t full time foster.)

Throughout this process, we have learned even more about the needs of kids in foster care and have made a life changing decision. We have decided that while we would ultimately like to adopt kids out of foster care, we are going to go the full route and become foster parents. The reason that we decided to “publicly” share this information is that once we have our license and have children placed with us, the information about these kids and their situations is private and we will be unable to discuss their parents or their situations.

Knowing that it would be quite strange to start seeing us with unfamiliar children, and knowing their placement in our homes will drive decisions we make, we wanted to be upfront about what we are about to do. Additionally, once children are placed with us, we can’t even really confirm that they are in foster care with us. We certainly didn’t know anything about this process when we first started and had (and still have) questions to ask about it. We thought this would be a way to provide the people in our lives with the opportunity to ask any questions about the journey before we are basically in information “lock down”. Because this is an important and sensitive subject that greatly affects the lives of those around us, our goal is for no questions in this process to be off limits.

We know that this will be a very challenging and life changing decision, but feel this is the right time for us to be able to provide others with support and kids with a safe haven while their families work through their life struggles.

Until now, we have kept this close to us, only sharing with a few members of our family and friends. This was not intended to leave out the other important people of our life, but this is a very sensitive and intimate journey and we wanted to limit information until we decided exactly where we were going. We welcome your questions and hope that sharing this with you will help explain some crazy things the Dellits might be doing in the future. :)

Brad and Andrea

Here’s some information to start out:

• We finish our 10 week PS-MAPP class at the end of July, which is required for licensing.
• It could take up to a few months after class ends to receive our license.
• We are seeking to primarily foster kids in the 0-3 age range. We will also consider kids of older ages, depending on the situation.
• We are required to have 3 home visits with our licensing worker, 1 of which we have already accomplished.
• There are requirements and changes we must make and adhere to in our home in order to be licensed, which we are currently working on.
• The goal of the foster care system is different today than what some of you may be familiar with. The goal now is to work on reunification of children with their birth parents whenever possible. We as foster parents will take part in the plan, mentoring and helping the birth parents where appropriate to aid in this reunification process.
• Our personal goal is to be able to adopt kids that are not able to be reunited with their families.

Today: An Episode From House, MD

There is an episode of House where Dr. Cuddy is trying to adopt her soon to be daughter Rachael, and the child protective guy comes over for a visit. The house is messy, the baby is crying, there's a dirty diaper sitting on/in her briefcase and she looks like a basket case... as if she has been trying to corral sheep all day. I also think there were dirty dishes in the living room and in the kitchen. Oh, and she's on the phone trying to get rid of House who needs her permission for something. She's mortified when this guy shows up. She begs him for another chance. He then tells her there is nothing to worry about, that the fact that she is worried that the house looks like this means she cares and I think he says he is recommending the adoption.

So today, we have our first home study with our licensing working from DHS/Iowa KidsNet. This visit will entail a house tour where they give you a list of anything you may need to correct before we get to the end of our classes in 5 weeks, so that you have plenty of time. The house has been fairly clean all week and we have already taken steps to ensure we meet the criteria and I'll be home for several hours today so I can wrap up anything else I want. But somehow for the past few days, my very own version of this episode keeps going through my head.

I envision her coming up the stairs, one of them cracking under her feet, nearly sending her sailing off the porch. The dogs are barking endlessly at her, then peeing on her, then a light fixture falls off the ceiling and sizzles as it nearly clocks her in the head. She asks "where is that smell coming from" and I can't smell a thing. She pulls up a couch cushion and finds spilled liquid growing super green, super hairy mold. Then she checks the toxic household chemicals and prescriptions we have locked in the closet. The closet which has a number combination to unlock, unlocks without her having to enter the code and all of the child proof caps have all disappeared and now you can open them with a quick twist. Then she asks again "where is that smell coming from?". We all round the corner and a dog has popped on the carpet, but not the solid log you can pick up easily; it's the 'nasty, get the Spot Bot Machine and try not to gag your face off' kind. We finally make our way to the basement, when the carpet comes unattached from the step and she goes bouncing on her ass all the way down the stairs and face plants on the carpet. Oh, and in this nightmare, the sump pump has gone out again so when she face plants, there is 2 inches of water in the basement and we have fish swimming in our basement and an electrical outlet sizzles near her head.

We get back upstairs and to the kitchen, when the knife block falls and she barely can get her foot out of the way before a knife lands blade down, sticking out of the kitchen floor. And for the 3rd time, she asks, "and that smell?". She opens the refrigerator to liquid oozing out of cardboard OJ containers and milked curdled nearly beyond recognition. She looks left and sees our entire laundry room, literally stacked to the ceiling with dirty, non-fresh smelling laundry. I start freaking out and sobbing uncontrollably because this isn't what my house looked like 2 hours ago.

Now luckily, I've never had this vision while asleep, as that would be one hell of a horrid nightmare. And I know this won't happy today, but I feel like now, I will be looking out of the corner of my eye to ensure all of the light fixtures stay firmly in their place...on the ceiling.

PS MAPP Week 4 -- Landslide

We started our PS-MAPP classes 4 weeks in our journey to get our foster care license. We have to have our license in order to adopt children from the foster care system.

With every class we go to, with every discussion we have, with every child we talk about, I become more and more sure that we were put on this path for a reason. I don't know how you get more sure, after you are 100% sure, but it's apparently possible.

I've known in my head that every minute of the past 5 years (our infertility anniversary is in April) was happening for a reason. I truly believe that this is always the case, even on the days my heart didn't care and didn't want to listen to my head. Whether you call it God or something else, there are no accidents. I also believe if you don't learn the lesson the first time around, it will come back to you again. The second time it really knocks you on your can.

Since I was old enough to dream about getting married and having a family, I have always entertained thoughts of adoption in my head. It's that part of my soul that always wants to save the world. Whether it's recycling, making Brad shut off the lights when he's in another part of the house, or using cloth bags when I go shopping, I want the steps I take to be deliberate, to matter.

A little bit during class last week and through the entire 3 hours this week, this little voice inside my head explained, "THIS is why I tortured you over the past year. This is why you had to shed all of the tears. You knew in your heart all along you could and wanted to adopt children you could help, but once you had your own, you may have stopped considering it. You wanted a sign that it this is what you should do. Well, now you have it.".

For the past month or so, the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac keeps coming up on my iPod. Again, not believing this is coincidence, especially since I have over 1000 songs it could pick, I started to really listen to the lyrics of the song. I tried hard. Really hard, to find the lesson in all of this. Not only did I see myself in the lyrics, but I saw the kids my mind made up as what the perfect picture of what our life would be. But then, I saw them...The kids that will eventually be ours.

Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older
I'm getting older too

I realized, I've been climbing this mountain to where I thought we were supposed to go. And because I wasn't listening, this journey included a landslide that brought me down. Big time.

When I really started thinking about why I want to be a parent, I realized, it doesn't matter how my children come to me. I just want to make a difference in young people's lives. I want them to have a good life. I want to teach them the skills to enter the world; to be able to navigate, to succeed, to fail, to get back up. I wondered, can I handle these changing tides? Will I be able to handle walking out of this dark season of my life?

And it kept coming to me. I have indeed been afraid of changing from the path I thought I was to be on, that one I thought I wanted. I had built my life, used everything I have worked for, made decisions based on the children that I thought were to come to me naturally. I wrestled endless with the fact that my gut tells me, if we get to the IVF step, I really in my heart don't think it's right for us. As I watch children around me get older, kids I've known since they were born (or close to it)...Charity and Dave's kids, Jessica's kids, my friend Tiffany's kids....I realized, simply being a parent is all I want to do and it doesn't matter anymore how I get there. I'm getting older, too. Having a child(ren) of our own may or may not happen. I will be ecstatic if it does and will be sad if it doesn't. So will Brad. But this time, it won't be a landslide that brings us down.

We are on a path to opening our home to kids who have to leave their home, their family, and maybe their school/friends. This 10 week class is excellent at equipping people for knowing what sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and joy to expect on this journey. It's going to be tough and there will be tears, but I know the reward on the other side is great.

Yes Stevie Nicks, the child in my heart will rise above. Thank you for writing this song so I could see where I am supposed to go; to see what joy will come out of a landslide...

My favorite version of this song. Stevie & Sheryl Crow

May 2011: Rocking out & Parenting

Wow, May has flown by..what is it with time these days? The month started off very rough, with the death of Brad's grandpa, but it is looking to end on a higher note for sure.

For Brad's birthday, I got him ticket to see the Foo Fighters, his favorite band. I haven't been feeling well (allergies) and the concert was 3.5-4 hours away. Being the nut jobs we are, we took a 1/2 day off work, drove to Council Bluffs, stayed the night (4.5 hours), got up and drove back so I could make my presentation Tuesday morning at 11am.

I was nervous after we got to the venue because I had a sinus headache and felt crappy and just wanted to sit down. Then I saw a sign that one of the opening bands couldn't make it and the Foo was playing for 2.5 hours. I thought, great for Brad, but how am I going to stand for the next 4 hours?

We wandered to a spot near the front but didn't make our way to the stage, as I didn't feel like putting up with the moshing kids that night. Instead we moved over to an extended stage and walkway that was in the middle. We figured we could have some room and get to see the Foo up close.

Now, Dave Grohl, the lead singer of the Foo is also the former drummer of Nirvana and Brad's biggest man crush. I knew we would enjoy this concert, but it was unreal.

I forgot about how crappy I felt until nearly 2 hours into the Foo's set. He came to the extended stage in front of us several times, even playing my favorite Foo song right there. I could have died happy, right there in Council Bluffs. We love music so much and live music, well there just aren't words. It's such an outlet for the both of us and this, Brad's ultimate concert was simply amazing. Dave Grohl is extremely talented and funny, and this show was a display of his personality. It was almost spiritual being able to sing as loud as you want to all of your favorite songs and being in the presence of someone so talented. And the fact that he's hot doesn't hurt :). He also ran by us on the walkway to the stage in the back, so I was about 3 ft from him at several points through the night. Amazing.

Some people may say I'm star struck, but I'm more like talent struck. I don't like people just because they are famous, I'm intrigued by their stories, their lives, and their talents. I feel the same about people who aren't famous, too. The people I like, who just happen to be famous, I'm in aww of because they are usually crazy talented, hence the reason they are famous.

I took nearly 100 pictures at this concert and never want to forget how much fun it was or how much Brad (and I) enjoyed it. The only thing that could probably top this for Brad is getting a guitar lesson from the Grohl himself.



The other cool thing that happened this month is we started our 10 week parenting classes for getting our fostering license, so that we can adopt out of the foster system. It seems like it's going to be a great overall parenting class, and one probably everyone should take. As you hear stories of kids and see their parents in need, I know more and more in my heart this is the right thing. We continue down the path of trying to have biological kids, but we were meant to do this adoption process. I can just feel it.

What a great end to the month of May.

Great News!

I was laying on the acupuncture table on Tuesday morning and thought, the lady from Iowa Kidsnet hasn't called. The lady at the meeting said to call in 2 weeks and it's been nearly 3, so I'll on Friday.

On my way to lunch with Kelly, I got a call and voice mail.

We are approved to take the 10 week classes (PS-MAPP) starting May 24th!! And they are in Cedar Falls, right near our work. (Convenient for Bradley on Tuesdays!)

We still have a home study and reference checks coming, but we'll take those as they come.

What great news! I'm grinning from ear to ear!

Oh, and I got my blood tested on Friday for my thyroid. Should know something this week or next. (Crossing fingers!)

Endless Waiting

We attended an informational session for the foster care adoption process on Tuesday night. It was a great session to learn more about the system, the process, what the kids go through. We had decided before we went, that we are not interested in fostering at this time. We just aren't sure if we could do it, with our schedules, and because it really takes a special person to do it.

The lady had me getting more excited until she uttered these words: If you are an adoptive only family, it can be very difficult to get kiddos. Her reason was that all of the kids have to be in the foster system for at least some time before they are adopted...I thought, well, duh. This is about the foster care system, right? I would expect that. She talked about how the goal of foster care now is to get the parents on track to make good decisions and get the kids back home. Then if the parents can't take them back, they go 7 generations to see if the family wants/can take them. If not and parental rights are terminated, they go up for adoption and are placed based on the needs of the child. Now, if she had said, after you take out the kids that go home or go back to a family member, there's only 1% of kids left, that would have made sense. But that's not how she described it. And 1000 kids are adopted in IA out of foster care every year. That seems like a lot to me.

Then, she brought over all of the paperwork I sent in in February. I thought she would have sent it in by now to do the background and fingerprint checks so we could sign up for the 10 week classes. Nope. They go in now. So then I got a bit excited when she said the next class starts May 24th and is on Tuesday nights. Perfect. Then she burst my bubble when she said you can't sign up until your checks come back which can take up to 6 weeks - By then there may not be availability. I asked her why it was so difficult if you are an adoptive only family and her answer was: because we don't have a crystal ball - she said she knows people who received a child within a year and some who have waited three. She said it does happen, but it can be a while.

I went into the meeting very hopeful and very excited and left sad and feeling defeated, like this journey will never end. I even said to Brad on the way home: If this next round of fertility meds & correcting my thyroid doesn't work, then maybe we weren't meant to do this.

Private adoption is still out there, but it can cost anywhere from $7k - $40k, even for domestic. While my work has an adoption assistance program, we'd have to fall on the lowest end of that dollar amount to be able to do it.

I know I should be patient, that this will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end, but I often wonder, should I be getting a message that I'm not seeing? Everyone tells us we'd be great parents, but maybe we aren't supposed to be.

I even opened up to the idea of foster care more after the meeting. I also didn't know there is respite foster care, which is for a very short time (few days to couple of weeks). Both of these would be extremely hard, but my gut just keeps telling me that we were supposed to go to this meeting and learn more about this. Brad however, is not bought into the idea at all. And when we left the meeting, he was un-phased. He just thinks well, we'll be able to do this the natural way then. I'm clueless to his confidence. I hope the thyroid correction fixes our infertility, but it may not be the problem. I figure we just wait and see - but I don't have the same level of confidence he does - again no crystal ball.

I try to really hard to not have a pity party every time we hit a bump in the road. I try remember we have our health, our families, and we really have been fortunate to live the life we have. I remember my friends who have had cancer, Nicole, who's battling it now. But the thoughts just creep in what a crock this seems to be. And now there are not one, but two people at work who are pregnant. As usual I'm really happy for her, but geez. Why are some people deemed to be parents of 2, 3, even 6 or 7 kids, and we have pursued 2 routes and don't seem to deserve even one.

And then I kick myself for being such a Debbie Downer. My blog used to be filled with the exciting adventures we had. Lots of pictures of the dogs. But my camera isn't very good. The one my phone totally sucks, even though it's supposed to be great. Now my blog is overrun with these updates and I feel like it's always doom and gloom. We don't get to have many weekend adventures because of my schedule. (What I'm going to do with my job is a whole other story for another time.)

I know this will pass, but today I'm just a little sad. I really am feeling heartbroken. I feel a bit like this guy.

Better Days and Butterflies

So this week has been much better than the last 4. I started a supplement two weeks ago when my doctor's appointment got postponed. It's helps with energy. I have been on my thyroid medicine for a week. Two days ago, I had a burst of energy during part of the day that I haven't had in years. Is it mental or the medicine starting to work, or maybe the supplement? I don't know, because what I've read says you start to feel better within a couple of weeks and symptoms go away in a couple of months. Either way, it was nice to have a burst and have energy to get some things done.

Today I sent out the adoption application paperwork. Now they do background checks and check our fingerprints. Hopefully we'll get a call in the new few days about an informational session that we need to attend. I've got butterflies in my stomach, but I'm very hopeful.

Here are some pictures of two little creatures who helped me walk through the last couple of weeks. Sometimes all you need to get through is unconditional love and boy do they have unlimited amounts to give.

Another Chapter

Yesterday, I took the first step in another chapter of our journey. I have been doing some research on adoption and have a couple of friends who have adopted. I sent my friend who lives here an email saying I'd like to know more about adoption but I didn't really know what questions I had. I only really knew that I heard it's really expensive and that a lawyer is probably involved somewhere.

She let me know more about her situation (it's a little different because they foster kids, too) and gave me suggestions on where to start and what financial resources are available. Let's be honest, we have good jobs, but not so good we have 20 - 30k laying around.

I did a lot of reading on my days off about the resources in Iowa. Then yesterday...I made the call. I was so nervous. I was sleep deprived and extremely stressed and emotional about another situation (which has started to resolve itself) but knew I had to take the step today.

As I talked to the woman and answered all of her questions: Are you interested in fostering or adopting? Do you have any children? Why are you interested? What race are you? Who lives in your house? On and on. I'll send you the packet in the mail and it will tell you all of the next steps you need to take.

I knew this was going to be emotional and difficult, too. But our lives are getting ready to be cracked wide open to the state of Iowa. I know they will come and investigate us and people in our lives. They will ask very personal questions. They will scrutinize things in our house, what goes on in our house. We are open books and have nothing to hide, (we really are quite boring) but as she was asking me, it kind of became reality.

We haven't done anything but ask for a packet, but I'm already getting little butterflies. I excited, I'm nervous, and for the first time yestersday, I realized that this process will make us better people. There will be questions we get asked and will have to evaluate things and most of all, my perspective of the world and of others is already changing. I love new perspectives. The door is only open a crack for me to see things in a new way and I can't wait to kick it open.