Have The Courage!

So often the words you hear from me here are obviously sad and dreary, but I really; I do have a great life! I just find this a great outlet for my crappy days.  So how about we talk about some positives this time around. I have one potentially life changing thing that is positive, to talk about.

I have been frustrated at my job for a while. I love the job I currently have, however, it's not what I want to be when I grow up. I want to lead people to doing greater things...lead leaders, develop people, lead people to winning. I've done it at this level for such a long time and I've always wanted to do the next level. I've been at T for 6 years and I LOVE the culture, the company, etc, but I want to do the next level. Not to get promoted, not to make more money, but the job I want to do, just happens to be a promotion.  I keep getting asked, how would you like to do "this" job? It's always a lateral move...there's always some thing to fix, or some "great thing" I can bring to the next position. But here's the problem: I'm tired of being seen as the task queen for the next job. The leaders around me see me as a project person....Which I love to do those types of things, however, doing them from a cubicle without any action, is not where my heart lies. It's another long story, but it frustrates me that they don't even know that, because they should. So, I've been in my job for 18 months, waiting for the process/system to work yet again. I believe that if you do a good job, doors WILL open for you there. I've seen it many time before. But I never get a conversation about going to the next level (unless I want the one that goes to MN). I'm not sure how many times I have to repeat that MN isn't an option right now, but apparently it's 5 million times.  My boss talked to me again a few weeks ago about the next job they see me doing, as I've been in my job 18 months, the time they typically start moving you. I told him again, I don't think that's what I want to do, even though I could do the things he is asking. (Now you should know, I love my boss, but these kinds of moves come from the group of leadership discussing what we should do next, it's not just his decision). Any (another story) I've had to wear off my reputation that my stint with tyrant created. But geez, is that wiped out yet? The real issue here is I have 2 big questions that I can't really ever get an answers to: #1 Is there some reason the leadership team doesn't see me leading at the next level (because oodles of people around me feel like that's my next step, so I must not be completely crazy). Because if not, that's ok. Just tell me and I'll find another path.  #2 If I can lead at that level, what are the gaps I need to fill? (Because tell me know so I can work on them - I asked this a year ago from my other boss and he couldn't come up with much).  I've been assuming this whole time that I must be lacking something and that's why they haven't looked at me in that light before. And then a conversation happened....

About a week and a half ago, my boss and I were having this conversation on a Sunday about what I was going to work on next. I mentioned that I don't feel like I have some glaring problem to work on for the first time in my career there. And he said something about it feeling great to be there. I felt like that was my open door. I told him people would think I'm insane for not jumping at the MN opportunities, however, Brad and I can't move right now and we aren't even sure if that's what I'd be happy doing. He said that doors would open for me there that I didn't even know about if I went there. While I agree, my gut says, don't do it...So you know me -- Not Gonna Do It.

So let me fast forward and recap -- I asked my boss why I couldn't do the next level - He said he thinks I can. I asked him what are my gaps. He shared with me he thinks I need to be more confident. We talked about how the tyrant phased shredded my 29+ years of great confident and how coming back from that has been challenging. He shared he thinks I need to lead without authority. I asked him how leading our department wasn't doing just that. How was "all the great things you're doing with the weekend group" not exactly that? He didn't really have an answer. And then I said it. What I've been afraid to say since I realized it about a week before:

I want to do your job. And if I can't do it here,

 I'm going to go somewhere where it is a fit for me to do it.

I don't WANT to leave T. I really do love it. But this level isn't what I want to do.  I'd stay in my building to do it and keep my involvement with the community - I love how I can connect our community to the resources my company has. But if staying at this level and making the merry go round of positions is what they see me doing, then I don't really want to do stay on the ride.  I have more to offer and I can do it. My boss and I talked about how my ideal position in life would be at the Red Cross or something as a kind of operations or general manager coordinating the chaos. Leading leaders while giving back. I love it. He told me he thinks I will be doing something like that some day - it would be perfect for me.  

He made me list what kind of leader I want to be and what kind I don't want to be. He said the things on the "don't want to be" list, people don't think those about me. And he told me to do more of the things I want to be known for. When I told him, I would love to, but we have to be real that there are lots of tasks that come along with my job. I told him, I get so many projects and so many tasks because people know I can do them and I'll do them well, so it locks me down to not be able to lead as much as I want. - He told me - then screw them - just lead people. And Done. That's all I needed to hear.  So we'll see what happens. 

We also had a conversation about master's degrees. I told him I will never go back to get one, well...under only one condition. If I could have the opportunity to teach at a college level I would do it. I could see the end of my working career ending there. I said, I will NOT go get it because people think I will be more promotable - I have more than displayed my abilities. And if they don't match leading at T, then I will go somewhere they do. He said "Why haven't I seen this part of you?!" I told him it's amazing what happens when you have conversations about what gives people energy instead of about what you think they want to do! 

The next day, I had a meeting with my former boss from the tyrant phase...And we had the same discussion. and guess what. When I asked my two questions, here were his answers: #1 You could absolutely do that job. #2 I don't see any gaps right now. Confirmed. My assessment that our leaders need to get out and know people better is confirmed. I may have convinced my boss a little more that I am ready to do his job and my former boss thinks I could do this job. We will see what happens. The thing I know for sure is: The needle is moving. I'm tired of waiting around for other people's opinions of me to come to fruition and feeling like it's the wront thing. I hope great changes are ahead -- And if it's at T, great! I will be very happy. If not, when that ridiculously awesome opportunity comes knocking, I'm taking a risk and I'm going -- And I told them that's my plan. I guess we'll see where I end up. And p.s. my amazing husband is 100% on board with my crazy plan. I just love him.