Terror

Last night the Dellits met the Covenant ER staff. Around dinner time, big girl had her blanket in the kitchen while having a mini "I haven't had a nap & I'm extrememly tired" meltdown. I was burping little boy, holding him as he sat on the counter. I slipped on the blanket, going down and taking him with me. Long story short, as he was coming I couldn't get a grab on him with my other hand and we hit the deck, his little head hitting the floor.

He's fine - he's perfect - acted like his normal self after the intital scary scream of terror. He didn't even cry in the ER once. I on the other hand was a complete hysterical, crying basket case. Brad told me later that there was more care given to me by the nurses comforting me and telling me it was ok and kids are resilient, etc. etc. But of course I felt (and still do feel) horrible. I slept horribly, still shake just thinking about it, and have broken into tears several times today. It's one of those memories you just want to erase from your brain. And they aren't my babies...and we are trusted to care for them...and then this. I'm still shuttering at the thought...and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Thank goodness Brad was already on his way home and that Charity and Dave were able to come and sit with big girl in the ER while we were in the back.  And I'm thankful for others sharing with me today the accidents that have happened with their kids: falling off beds, infants catapulting out of arms, tumbling down stairs, etc. It makes me feel less like I'm in the running for worst parent of the year.

Brad keeps telling me, it was an accident...You will learn from it...It's ok...But it honestly doesn't help much. I know I should try to go on...But clearly it's going to take my brain a few days.

Ready, Set, GO

I know a lot of you have probably seen the new show or at least the commercials for Up All Night. And most of you are parents can can relate to the show. I find it hilarious and found myself and Brad in the show even before our most recent life changing day.

You know I can't say much about what is going on in our house right now, but what I will say is this....Two weeks ago tomorrow, we picked up two bundles after visiting them the Saturday before. One is 18 months and one is 7 months. For most of the last two weeks I have felt like the characters in this picture! It's been a great two weeks, but very challenging for sure.

We have had several visitors, calls, texts, and emails which have been incredibly fulfilling. Not only do they keep me motivated while we are transitioning,  it is unbelievable how supportive  our friends and family are. We couldn't have survived the last 2 weeks without our "village" of people nearby who have helped, dropped off meals, supplies, and toys. They have been SO helpful and the meals, delicious!

I can say is little boy and sweet girl are adjusting well and each day gets easier as we figure out our newest normal. And our workplaces have been so supportive as well.

We aren't sure how long we will have these little house guests, but we'll enjoy them while they are with us.

I'll post some of my favorite moments soon, but wanted to post an update for now.

Hope you are all having a great holiday season and get to enjoy the holidays with some of your favorite people. Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and Happy Hanukkah!

The (kind of) False Alarm Call

A little over a week ago, on Friday, I had pulled into the parking lot of Barnes & Noble when my phone rang. I saw it was a blocked number, which I never receive, I had a feeling. A really strong gut feeling. So I answered it.  It was IowaKidsNet. The lady on the other end wanted to know if we were ready. Oh my gosh. For real? That was fast. Yep, we are. Ok, it will probably be tonight. Gulp. How exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

We are really doing this. We really are going to be trusted to temporarily care for and look after someone else's precious little life (or in this case 2 little lives) What an honor to have this trust bestowed upon us.

Call Brad. Call Mom. Things to Do. Skipping trip to B & N. Turn Key in Car. Car won't start. Brad's in a meeting. Mom didn't answer, Dave didn't answer. Oh boy. Now what? Think! Who is not at work right now? Well, nobody...Because I work a bizarre schedule. My friend Sean is off today! I call his wife. Can you help? We just a call & my car is dead. I learn later she pretty much told him he needed to rescue me and did it in a way it sounded like he needed to leave the house NOW because I was upside down in a ditch. Smile. I love my friends. He rescues me. In his urgent dash out of the house, he forgets jumper cables. Mine are at home. Nice. That's helpful of me.  He takes me home to get the truck.

Call Mom again. What are you doing after work? Nothing? Want to go shopping me with me so I don't buy all of Target out? Yes! She's in.

Work. Geez. I have Saturday, but have to work Sunday & Monday. I text my boss that I may need to be off those days. He says to keep him posted.

I get another call. Maybe a miscommunication. A couple of families were recommended, too. Not sure how this will shake out. Humph. Ok. We'll see how it goes. I lose confidence that the first timers will be up to bat this time around.

Mom & I go to Target anyway. There's always returns, right? Better to be prepared. Breathe. I envy people who have 9 months to prepare for little ones to arrive. We shop. Not in the out-of-my-mind clearing of the shelves kind of  way I want to. I made a list. A specific list. And I pretty much stuck to it. When Brad found out later that we went to Target, he flinched & didn't even want to know the damage. I think he thought he was going to need another job. He was shocked to learn  I actually spent less than $100.

Mom and I go to dinner, Brad is going to meet us. He gets there and I tell him I haven't heard anything. He tells me he got the call at home. Not sure if they are going to need us or not. Won't know until Wednesday. But if they need a family, we are the family. Oh my gosh. Us. They want us to be the family to help. I can't even put my emotions into words.

Tuesday comes. I am to call them to get all of the information so we know what's ahead of us. For an hour I was on the phone learning. And learning.

Wednesday comes. The call comes. It's not going to be today. Some other things are going to happen. She'll call me next week to update me when she has more.

I'll admit. I was actually a little sad. But I am so glad we attended a training that was offered 4 days after we got our license so we can understand the process and the legal system. I have much more of an understanding of what's happening because we attended. Otherwise I might be stone cold crazy with wonder.

After the dust settled, I reflected on two things I hadn't expected. 1). That our training a few weeks ago would come in so handy already - Man, I am thankful we went.  2). I fully expected there would be a wide range of emotion if we end up being needed and when kids are reunited. But I did not expect the go/no go/maybe go on the front end. Didn't see that coming at all. And then I am thankful yet again for our first training a couple of weeks ago. Because at least I understand. And it's ok. They are doing the right thing.

And our friends and family have been AMAZING through this. And more offers of help and supplies have been coming. I could use up all of my "thankfuls" for November on this one topic.

So for now, we do what we do best at Casa de Dellit. We wait.

Life Changing Day

As you may have read on Facebook, we got our foster care license in the mail on Friday, November 5th. We also received our approval to adopt out of foster care. Yes, when I opened the envelope and saw these two pieces of paper, I cried. Finally, a route to parenthood that might actually succeed. A truly life changing day.

This means we are now "dually licensed" and can be utilized as a "concurrent" home. In Iowa the law is that DHS must find a permanent home for children 3 & under in 12 months and if about 18-24 months for children 4 and older. We could be selected to be a foster home for kids that need a foster home, but whose workers are asking for a "concurrent" home. That means that the foster parents may be interested in adopting the kids if they are not able to be reunified with their families. Remember that reunification is always the goal. It just depends on the adults in the situation and if they can get their situations on track.

So we patiently wait for the call of duty...I swear, if there was a waiting club out there somewhere, I could be it's president it in a heartbeat.

We have had so many friends and family offer to help, send clothes, bring clothes, bring supplies, offer daycare referrals, offer advice....It's been wonderful and feels like this is what was meant to be.

A quick update on the other front - We were not able to do IUI this month because my body decided to surprise us and I was out of town for the day. When we can't do the IUI, there is always the old fashioned way. :) If this round doesn't work, we have 3 months remaining we can be on the medication. So again....we wait.

Stee-rike!

 Well, IUI round 2 was not successful. So on to round 3 we go!

One Minute Writer: Twice

Prompt for October 10, 2011: Twice

Most of us remember when gas was half the price it is now. (It wasn't very long ago!) Write about something you'd still buy if it cost twice as much as it costs today.

My answer:

Something not to expensive, since I'm paying double. But something that makes me happy. Yep. Sour Patch Kids.

Delicious Ambiguity

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…”  (Gilda Radner)

After reading this Gilda quote today, it struck me. I hate ambiguity. And I love it too. Weird. I hate not knowing, and love a plan, but I also LOVE surprises. I love when things are clear. And I love it when they are not. It makes life more fun. I guess maybe it all depends what I'm doing.
It's part of what makes this parenthood journey "fun". Will we get pregnant or get our foster license first? Will we have foster kids in our home and then get pregnant? How crazy will that be? What if our foster child is an infant and I get pregnant? Heaven help me. What kind of personalities will our foster kids have? We will get to help the older kids who are getting ready to age out? I really want to. I really hope so. This whole thing is so unclear and no clear answer or direction. I guess for me either route will be the ultimate surprise. Maybe it's why I smile more these days. Sure, I have my days. Tears, moments of self pity, moments of wishing I had the same relationships and moments with my own kids that our friends do. But I find myself telling our story with hope and smiles. We don't know how it will end, or even start for that matter. but it is sure to be fun.

We have embarked on Magic Beans Round 2. Everything about this journey is wrapped up in that Gilda quote. For Round 1's gory details, see here.


So for the next 2 weeks or so. We wait. Again. "Delicious Ambiguity..."

One Minute Writer: Simple/Complex

I thought this an appropriate prompt for today. I have been reading alot tonight about decisions couples make and the stories of others in our same boat.

Then I checked One Minute Writer. The post for today:

Simple/Complex: Write briefly about one thing in your life that is simple, and one that is complex.



Simple: Our desire to have a family


Complex: Our journey in getting there.
 
That pretty much sums it up.

One Revision

We heard from our licensing worker this week. She warned us that it wasn't uncommon for DHS to ask questions and for clarification on foster parenting licensing applications.

She told us they only had 1 revision and that "that is awesome".  YAY!

We sent her the additional information they requested and we continue doing what we do best these days:

We wait.

In the meantime, I will be knocking some of the last things off our list:

• picking out a color for the kids room & convincing Brad to paint for me :)
• picking out a dresser or other storage for clothes
• picking out storage for toys
• checking out daycares in the area
• reading - I bought three books about foster care & parenting other people's children.

20%

                                    
We have been anxiously awaiting the results of our IUI. Over the course of the past two weeks I have been pondering what it would like to be pregnant, what kinds of changes we are going to have to make if this works, and to be honest, I've spent some time being a scared of the next 18 years. Brad continues to be the best partner through this adventure, continuing to reassure me that I will be able to figure out everything that comes with parenthood.

I got a call from the doctor's office on Friday that my progestrone test came back at 19. They like it to be double digits and because it was, I can continue the same dose of Femara if the IUI isn't successful. The nice thing about this is that on the Clomid, it got up into the 50s and I started to have a lot of side effects from the drug. This has been a much more friendly version on my body.

On Saturday we got our results, well I got "it', at 4:30am. I thought I would be ok with it, but not so much. I got to work the next morning and run into one of my partners who said I didn't look excited to be at work. Then it comes, the quivering lip & tears. Luckily he knows what we are going through and since I didn't throw myself on the ground in sobbing tears, he didn't run away. He just sat down on the desk and said the most perfect thing ever: "I'm sorry. I remember being in that situation. I know nothing I can say can make you feel better".

When I got home from work, Brad asked how my day was. I told it was good, but that I was sad. Then he said & did the most perfect thing ever: He wrapped his arms all the way around me in a big bear hug and said "I know. I'm sad, too. I've been thinking about it all day". 

So we are sad. But I have surrendered to what I can and cannot control in this process. I more firmly believe that when we take a step forward, sometimes, even often, we will take two steps back. I just have to be ok with that. Some moments, days or even weeks are still really hard, but I just keep breathing and keep walking on.

I have done some research to see what our chances are. I want to be educated but I try not to do too much digging and be obsessive about it. I did find that the chances of IUI working are about 10% -20%, which are increased slightly when using fertility meds and even then it can take several IUIs.

So this month we will start round 2 of the medication.

Magic Fertile Beans

I'm not sure what's between rated PG13 and R, but I feel this post in somewhere in between :)

After my thyroid was under control, my doctor in Iowa City told me that I could start on the new fertility drug, Femara and then try the IUI process at the same time. I can only be on the drug for about 6 months, and she said "if it's going to happen it will likely  happen in the first 3 months." If this doesn't work, then we have to seriously rule in or out going through IVF. So here's the next comedic chapter.
Earlier this month, I unwent another procedure, called an IUI. Basically it takes out the "romantic" part of making babies. It can be hard through this process to not feel very institutional because of all of the proper medical terms, hard metal medical tables, and giant names for procedures. (There is no talk of wee-wees and va-jay-jays during times like these.). So I have lovingly termed my eggs, "my magic beans" and Brad's *ahem* contribution, "his magic beans".  You will find, not for my embarrasment of proper medical terms, but for my sanity throughout this process, I rarely will use the proper medical term. It allows me to laugh that way. And thank goodness for Brad and my sister Jessica and the silliness they add to this mahem.

In a nutshell, when  you go in for an IUI, they take his magic beans, check them, and spin them so that only the "good stuff" is left. The nurse then takes them and drives a tube, well, you can guess where.

You would think that during such a trying time in our lives that an experience like this wouldn't be hilarious. But of course it's me, so it can't be simple.

We are at the doctor's office with his magic beans and Brad jokes, "hopefully they can take out any that are running into each other because they are stupid". And of course he uses his fingers to demonstrate the little guys running into each other.  Then after the 15 minutes they need to spin his beans down, they call me back. Brad didn't come back. I don't blame him, but I told him if this works, he's going to have to get used to this. The super nice nurse tells me, "They look really, really good. Number is good. They are all swimming the right direction." I almost busted out laughing. Well, at least there weren't any stupid ones.

So then I climb on the awesome, cold, metal table and put my feet in the comfy (not) cups. The nurse introduces to the medical intern who (I don't know how) looks more uncomfortable about being there than I do. Then we start, The nurse starts the procedure by driving a medical instrument into a place that's not all that comfortable. And she can't find my cervix. What?  Where did it go? This is no time for a vacation. Finally after poking and prodding, she finds it. Then says, "it looks beautiful". Omg. Seriously? Did she just compliment me while inches from my girl parts on my "beautiful cervix?"

Then. UGH. A couple of attempts with the giant plastic tube. Then she peers over the paper blanket between me and her and says, I'm going to get the doctor because it doesn't want to go in easily and we can use an instrument to open the path, but she's better at using it than me. She was so sweet and I felt better that she was stopping where her expertise ended versus just jamming that thing into my flesh.

While's she's gone, the intern stands there with her arms crossed in the uncomfortable "what should I do pose". She looked more terrified than I felt and she didn't have a couple of medical instruments hanging out of her...well, you know. So I break the ice..."Where are you going to school? How are you liking it?". Anything to dial down the ackward tension and silence she was exhuding.

Then the nurse comes back with the doctor. And wouldn't you know. It's doctor "You're no spring chicken". You have to be freaking kidding me.  Am I on Candid Camera? She plops into position and tells me, you're going to feel a pinch. The nurse explains that the doctor is going grab the edge of the opening into my uterus  to get the tube in. The nurse patted my knee and excitedly said, "This might be your problem. Things will come out but opening it's being friendly for things going in". Well, that makes complete sense. Everything seems to be perfect, but if his beans aren't making it to my beans, well, that would explain alot.

OUCH! That was certainly a pinch. I actually felt her "grab" it. I hope no woman has to feel that. Yikes! "You're going to feel some cramping when I get in there". As I want to curl up into the fetal position. Yep, definitely cramping. You're definitely there. Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.

Then it just gets more glamourous. They shove a sponge, well, you know where and tilt you up so your hips are up in the air to let gravity do it's thing. So I sit for 15 minutes.

Then the nurse comes back in and tells me I can go. I could tell she wanted to hug me. "Good Luck!" she says. And sends me on my way.

I meet Brad back in the waiting room. I tell him about how his beans are all swimming the right way. He laughs. Then I tell him, simply: Be nice to me. I have been violated.

And so we wait.

Cue Tom Petty:
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

One Minute Writer: Paper Bag

One Minute Writer: Paper Bag
Before my daughter's first day of school, the teacher gave each student a small, brown, paper lunch bag. They were each instructed to come to school the first day with one special item in the bag--something they wanted to show the rest of their class.

I would roll down the sides of the paper bag and take my Chihuahua, Sammy. My wonderful husband picked him out for me 4.5 years ago. I always wanted a little dog I could cuddle with. He provides such unconditional love and has gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life. :)  I would like to share him with those who haven't met him.

So live like you'll never live it twice

This week I attended the funeral of a 9 year old little boy who was killed in a boating accident on Eagle Lake. He was the son of a friend I work with. It was the most sad yet uplifting funeral I have ever attended. While it was horrendously sad for his family whose pain is unfathomable, the entire service was dedicated to being a celebration of his life and the blessings he brought to all of those who knew him. He was fun, full of life, and always on the go. That's the way his family wanted the service to be.

During the service, they played a wonderful slide show of pictures from his life and played several songs as a back drop. Nickelback's If Today Was Your Last Day came on. This is one of my favorite songs. I decided long ago to live my life with no regrets and go full speed ahead. While I know I work a lot and I miss out on things I don't want to, I try hard to make up for it when I can. And one side effect of working a lot is meeting a lot of great people who have become life long friends.

Though I only know this little boy's family, this tragedy served as yet another reinforcement of how Brad and I choose to live our life. As the song says "So live like you'll never live it twice". So use the good dishes, drink the good wine, and live everyday with no regret.

Pookie Wookie

Bradley said that Sammy and I have an unnaturally obsessive, spoiling each other type relationship. I told him to stop being jealous of my pookie wookie, caramel, Mexican, sweetie pie, best friend dog.

President's Vacation

I for one, would like the man with one of the most stressful jobs on the planet to take time away and have a vacation so that he can think and make decisions clearly, regardless of his political party. Even George Bush, who I'm not a fan of needs a vacation.

No how matter important your job or how far reaching, time away is necessary.

Obama's Vacation: CNN

One Minute Writer: Phrase

I love One Minute Writer. I love that I am going to get back into reading and writing from it. Love, love, love it!

Today's Prompt: Phrase

What is a phrase you find yourself saying repeatedly?

Holy Crap! I just started working out again: running, pilates, yoga, and kettlebell. I have had several days recently where I have been feeling every muscle in my body. When I try to get out of a chair, "holy crap" I can't believe how stiff my muscles got in 15 minutes!

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

Anyone who has asked me about our baby efforts recently has had to hear me groan about my doctors. The first two I went to (in the same office) were, well, less than personal. And I am fiercely picky about my doctors. I have had some FANTASTIC doctors in my life and they set the bar HIGH.

In December 2009 I went to the doctor for the first time to truly discuss our futile attempts at parenthood. She was in such a hurry and always looked confused. She told tell me I did (then didn't, then did) have PCOS so then I was confused when I left. Then looked at me like a freak when I told her my husband and I were rarely in the same place the previous 18 months, let alone the same room and awake at the same time. She made me feel like an idiot and kept looking at me like "well you know how babies are made, right?" She seemed to want to focus little on the fact that we were willing to *ahem* attempt parenthood in a scheduled manner if only my cycles were remotely consistent. My cycles having a mind of their own, was truly the reason I was there. If you can't even figure out if it's "the real thing" that you should count, how in the hell can you focus on what day is the "right day". I left there feeling more depressed and like a moron.

In October 2010 I had to go for my yearly check up. This time I got a different doctor, because my doctor is "too busy" to do routine checkups. Ugh. Keep in mind that at this appointment I was feeling ashamed and depressed as I walked through the halls with all of the pictures on the wall, showing off the little miracles they had made happen. I suppose it should have made me feel better that they were able to have success in creating beautiful little angels, yet I never felt more like a failure. And now here I was, going to have to explain the whole thing again to a different doctor. We went through the checkup and she asked me all the same questions, and I answered while trying not to bust into tears. Then she had the IUI nurse come in an explain that process in case we wanted to attempt that. This was the best part of the visit because she was nice and understanding. Then my doctor came back in and sternly instructed me to "keep trying because you're no spring chicken". Are you freaking kidding me?! Thanks. I know I'm nearly considered old in the child bearing world. Thanks for the education. I had no idea how old I am and that I should keep trying. Gosh, thanks for the enlightenment, Jerk. I did actually burst into tears when I got to the car that day.

Then in February I went to Iowa City. The doctor there was fabulous. She was pregnant which I thought was charming and she sat down with us and asked all the usual questions. She took her time and I didn't feel rushed. Then she answered our questions. She told me to get my thyroid under control (from a 7.61 down to 2.5) and then we could try again. She gave me a prescription for a different fertility medicine and said when it was time we could take that and attempt IUI at our regular office in Waterloo.

So where am I going with all of this? Well my thyroid is regulated and I keep having it tested every 3 months so it's technically time to get going. Don't forget, I'm no spring chicken and all. Well, we decided to wait until the fostering class & process was over because that's just too much to mentally, emotionally, and physically take on at one time. I wanted to be easy on myself and not pressure myself into doing anything. In the back of my mind I was cringing at having to go back to that doctor's office. So I did it. I called and asked to make an appointment with the doctor who did one of my tests back in the Spring. I saw her yesterday and told her how I felt with my first two encounters. And then she laughed that she was the one I wanted to see when she had done the "meanest" thing to me during this process. But that day she was so sweet, like I saw her all the time.

So, I reported to her that my cycles still aren't back on track and I don't want to "waste" the few months on this medication we have, because we likely will not be going to IVF. She agreed about not "wasting" it and prescribed the medication I thought she would, one that I had before that gets your girl parts going in the right direction. Once we start that, we should be on a roll. On the way out she asked me some personal questions. We started talking about our foster care journey and she shared her sister works for an agency like Iowa's DHS in another state. She laughed a little and shared that I would probably get pregnant once we started the foster process. Pretty much everyone has said that. I hope they are right. If I had a quarter for everyone who has said that, I could put our first kid through college! And as she said goodbye, she touched me on the shoulder. Now THAT my friends, is a good doctor.

I left this appointment with a smile, knowing I had done the right thing. Breaking up with a doctor or other service provider seems hard. This is the 2nd time I've done it because I believe in my health and that you have to advocate for yourself until you find someone who fits you and what you need.

So now while we wait on our foster license, we re-join the (kind of) natural parenthood process. We will interrupt your regularly schedule programming if there is any breaking news. In the meantime, I feel less frazzled with my doctor and more like this.

Adjustments & Questions

To say that the response to our "going public" with our intent to foster and adopt has been wonderful and overwhelming would be an understatement. Our fantastic friends and family have been literally unbelievable. We could not ask for a more supportive group of fabulous people in our lives.

I appreciate the questions that have come via email and conversations. I thought it would be good to post the questions as I get them so that we can share them.

I also thought this would be a great way to document the changes to our lives so we can capture them for the future.

We have never truly baby-proofed out house, so no better time than the present, right? These outlet covers are so good I can hardly get them off. Which I supposed means a 1 year old will be able to whip them off in 2 seconds flat.

As a requirement of our licensing we have to lock up all prescription medications and household cleaners. So that we don't have to keep a key somewhere and then hide it from kids, we decided to get a lock on our linen closet similar to our front door. We did this before our first home visit. We thought we might as well do it right away and start getting used to it. It actually hasn't been that big of an adjustment and is probably a darn good idea anyway, given we have lots of little people in our life.

This is one of our spare bedrooms that we have cleaned out and rearranged to accommodate our foster children. We are contemplating painting this room, but aren't sure yet. It's been one of three rooms in our house that's painted a color that I don't love. We already painted one which is my bathroom. This one will probably be next on the list.

It's a rule of foster care that you cannot allow children to sleep in pack-n-plays. I believe it has something to do with all of the recalls, etc and how they cannot be sure you are using one that is considered safe. If you want to take kids on overnights to hotels, camping, etc. you have to take a port-a-crib. It's about 35% the size of a regular crib. It's definitely not as convenient as a pack-n-play, but what do you do.....

My wonderful husband read well when he ordered the port-a-crib and saw that the mattress wasn't very good so he ordered another one that is much better. Sophie decided she wanted to check this thing out that the strange man at the door brought to us.

We also have to lock up our "outside" hazardous chemicals that you would keep in your garage or shed. A couple of weeks ago our shelf in the shed fell down and made this lovely mess that I hadn't gotten around to resolving in the 100 degree heat. I decided that before our 2nd home visit that I wanted to have this wrapped up and sent Brad to get a new shelving unit that we use to house all of our stuff and then put a lock on the shed.

The new shelf that Bradley put together

After a couple of hours and my stellar organizing skills, here's the new, improved, organized, hazard-contained shed. I am actually quite proud of my masterpiece. :)

Here are some of the questions that we have gotten since sending & posting our letter.

Will you be able to post pictures or use their first names?
I'm honestly not entirely sure. We haven't really talked about social media yet in our class, but I assume it's coming. I am going to guess and say yes we can do these things. Their names are not a secret, but their situations are private.

How many children will you foster at a time?
We will be certified for 2 children to start out with. This means we will only be able to have 2 at one time. However, if a sibling group was available that we decided we wanted to accept and there were 3 of them, DHS can issue us a variance to allow this. My biggest question was about what if we have 2 kids and then someone is available for adoption, how does that work. The answer is since we can only have 2 kids, we would need a variance to accept that 3rd child that we would be working to adopt.

Are you open to adopting many children?
We haven't landed on a firm number at this point. We are learning about all of the different kids and situations. For example, this week during our class and home visit, we talked a lot about kids who are 17 or so and are ready to age out of the system, but really want to be adopted into a family that they can share their life, holidays, and experiences with. They also need help with applying to college and for scholarships, etc. We hadn't really thought much about these kids since we are most interested in raising a couple of kids from younger ages. So I guess we'll see where this journey takes us.

How soon will this happen once you get your license.
We will be done with our class at the end of July and our licensing worker tells us that DHS is taking about 2 months to get all of the paperwork done and licenses sent out. After that, we just wait for a call and a child with a set of circumstances we take on.

How many kids will be placed at any given time?
Because we will be certified for 2 kids at one time, that's the amount we can have placed, unless we have a variance.

Will they be in daycare or will one of you stay home?
We will both be still working full time, but our schedules are quite conducive for this process right now. Brad works M-F and I work Sat, Sun, and Mon. We are currently working on daycare for Mondays and for any meetings/appointments I have during the week. I would say this is the part I am most unsure of at this point. I'll admit I'm nervous about being able to find someone what will be able to help us during the week at the times we need. And of course, I am going to have to be better at balancing work and that has already been quite the adjustment. :)

How long is the average stay time?
That actually depends on a lot of factors. We will get an initial estimate when we get the call about the child as to how long DHS estimates the child will be placed. It then depends on the situation with the family, are their other family members that can foster or want/can have the child placed with them. It depends on the court system and the length of time it gives the parents to be able to turn around their situation and whether or not they are making progress. It could literally be a couple of days or week up to more than a year. One thing we have learned through our class is that kids in the 0-3ish age range, they want to have a permanency plan for within 6 months-year and the older kids before 18 months.

If you get pregnant, will you continue to foster?
We plan on taking this one as it comes. We could very well have a child in our home and get pregnant. We have talked about how we would handle that and incorporate that into our life and the life of any child staying with us. I think it's fair to say that we may take a break or be more selective on what we would take on if we are able to get pregnant.

Will this affect family time or do they encourage being around extended family?
I would say the only way this would affect family time is the same way it affects people with their own kids. We may have to make decisions based on what's going on with the kids and our schedules like anyone else. As for being around extended family, the view is that the more positive, caring people that can be incorporated into these kids' lives, the better. We don't plan on stopping anything based on foster parenting, but more making the same decisions that other parents make based on moods, sleep schedules, etc.

Why the secrecy around the families?
This is for a few reasons. Think if you were struggling with an addiction or other problem and having your business public and people talking about you. Think about being a child who is already having a hard time being ripped from their parents, home, school, family, etc and then have people talking about your family right in front of you. There is a respect for the families and their privacy. I have to say I was pretty surprised about this and the farther we get in this process, I'm glad it's this way. No better way to teach respect then demonstrate it from the get go.

A Letter From Brad & Andrea

Dear Friends and Family,

Some of you are aware how challenging the last five years have been for Brad and I. We are about to embark on a brand new chapter of our lives and feel now is the right time to share where we are going.

More than 5 years ago we began our journey to start our own family and have run into a few forks in our path. We are still pursuing options to have our own children, but this year decided to also pursue adoption routes. A friend provided us information about adopting children out of the foster care system, who are looking for permanent homes. After reviewing what this journey entails, we knew in our hearts this was a path for us. In May, we started a 10 week class and a process required in order to work toward licensing. (You have to have your foster care license if you want to adopt kids out of foster care, even if you don’t full time foster.)

Throughout this process, we have learned even more about the needs of kids in foster care and have made a life changing decision. We have decided that while we would ultimately like to adopt kids out of foster care, we are going to go the full route and become foster parents. The reason that we decided to “publicly” share this information is that once we have our license and have children placed with us, the information about these kids and their situations is private and we will be unable to discuss their parents or their situations.

Knowing that it would be quite strange to start seeing us with unfamiliar children, and knowing their placement in our homes will drive decisions we make, we wanted to be upfront about what we are about to do. Additionally, once children are placed with us, we can’t even really confirm that they are in foster care with us. We certainly didn’t know anything about this process when we first started and had (and still have) questions to ask about it. We thought this would be a way to provide the people in our lives with the opportunity to ask any questions about the journey before we are basically in information “lock down”. Because this is an important and sensitive subject that greatly affects the lives of those around us, our goal is for no questions in this process to be off limits.

We know that this will be a very challenging and life changing decision, but feel this is the right time for us to be able to provide others with support and kids with a safe haven while their families work through their life struggles.

Until now, we have kept this close to us, only sharing with a few members of our family and friends. This was not intended to leave out the other important people of our life, but this is a very sensitive and intimate journey and we wanted to limit information until we decided exactly where we were going. We welcome your questions and hope that sharing this with you will help explain some crazy things the Dellits might be doing in the future. :)

Brad and Andrea

Here’s some information to start out:

• We finish our 10 week PS-MAPP class at the end of July, which is required for licensing.
• It could take up to a few months after class ends to receive our license.
• We are seeking to primarily foster kids in the 0-3 age range. We will also consider kids of older ages, depending on the situation.
• We are required to have 3 home visits with our licensing worker, 1 of which we have already accomplished.
• There are requirements and changes we must make and adhere to in our home in order to be licensed, which we are currently working on.
• The goal of the foster care system is different today than what some of you may be familiar with. The goal now is to work on reunification of children with their birth parents whenever possible. We as foster parents will take part in the plan, mentoring and helping the birth parents where appropriate to aid in this reunification process.
• Our personal goal is to be able to adopt kids that are not able to be reunited with their families.

Today: An Episode From House, MD

There is an episode of House where Dr. Cuddy is trying to adopt her soon to be daughter Rachael, and the child protective guy comes over for a visit. The house is messy, the baby is crying, there's a dirty diaper sitting on/in her briefcase and she looks like a basket case... as if she has been trying to corral sheep all day. I also think there were dirty dishes in the living room and in the kitchen. Oh, and she's on the phone trying to get rid of House who needs her permission for something. She's mortified when this guy shows up. She begs him for another chance. He then tells her there is nothing to worry about, that the fact that she is worried that the house looks like this means she cares and I think he says he is recommending the adoption.

So today, we have our first home study with our licensing working from DHS/Iowa KidsNet. This visit will entail a house tour where they give you a list of anything you may need to correct before we get to the end of our classes in 5 weeks, so that you have plenty of time. The house has been fairly clean all week and we have already taken steps to ensure we meet the criteria and I'll be home for several hours today so I can wrap up anything else I want. But somehow for the past few days, my very own version of this episode keeps going through my head.

I envision her coming up the stairs, one of them cracking under her feet, nearly sending her sailing off the porch. The dogs are barking endlessly at her, then peeing on her, then a light fixture falls off the ceiling and sizzles as it nearly clocks her in the head. She asks "where is that smell coming from" and I can't smell a thing. She pulls up a couch cushion and finds spilled liquid growing super green, super hairy mold. Then she checks the toxic household chemicals and prescriptions we have locked in the closet. The closet which has a number combination to unlock, unlocks without her having to enter the code and all of the child proof caps have all disappeared and now you can open them with a quick twist. Then she asks again "where is that smell coming from?". We all round the corner and a dog has popped on the carpet, but not the solid log you can pick up easily; it's the 'nasty, get the Spot Bot Machine and try not to gag your face off' kind. We finally make our way to the basement, when the carpet comes unattached from the step and she goes bouncing on her ass all the way down the stairs and face plants on the carpet. Oh, and in this nightmare, the sump pump has gone out again so when she face plants, there is 2 inches of water in the basement and we have fish swimming in our basement and an electrical outlet sizzles near her head.

We get back upstairs and to the kitchen, when the knife block falls and she barely can get her foot out of the way before a knife lands blade down, sticking out of the kitchen floor. And for the 3rd time, she asks, "and that smell?". She opens the refrigerator to liquid oozing out of cardboard OJ containers and milked curdled nearly beyond recognition. She looks left and sees our entire laundry room, literally stacked to the ceiling with dirty, non-fresh smelling laundry. I start freaking out and sobbing uncontrollably because this isn't what my house looked like 2 hours ago.

Now luckily, I've never had this vision while asleep, as that would be one hell of a horrid nightmare. And I know this won't happy today, but I feel like now, I will be looking out of the corner of my eye to ensure all of the light fixtures stay firmly in their place...on the ceiling.

PS MAPP Week 4 -- Landslide

We started our PS-MAPP classes 4 weeks in our journey to get our foster care license. We have to have our license in order to adopt children from the foster care system.

With every class we go to, with every discussion we have, with every child we talk about, I become more and more sure that we were put on this path for a reason. I don't know how you get more sure, after you are 100% sure, but it's apparently possible.

I've known in my head that every minute of the past 5 years (our infertility anniversary is in April) was happening for a reason. I truly believe that this is always the case, even on the days my heart didn't care and didn't want to listen to my head. Whether you call it God or something else, there are no accidents. I also believe if you don't learn the lesson the first time around, it will come back to you again. The second time it really knocks you on your can.

Since I was old enough to dream about getting married and having a family, I have always entertained thoughts of adoption in my head. It's that part of my soul that always wants to save the world. Whether it's recycling, making Brad shut off the lights when he's in another part of the house, or using cloth bags when I go shopping, I want the steps I take to be deliberate, to matter.

A little bit during class last week and through the entire 3 hours this week, this little voice inside my head explained, "THIS is why I tortured you over the past year. This is why you had to shed all of the tears. You knew in your heart all along you could and wanted to adopt children you could help, but once you had your own, you may have stopped considering it. You wanted a sign that it this is what you should do. Well, now you have it.".

For the past month or so, the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac keeps coming up on my iPod. Again, not believing this is coincidence, especially since I have over 1000 songs it could pick, I started to really listen to the lyrics of the song. I tried hard. Really hard, to find the lesson in all of this. Not only did I see myself in the lyrics, but I saw the kids my mind made up as what the perfect picture of what our life would be. But then, I saw them...The kids that will eventually be ours.

Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older
I'm getting older too

I realized, I've been climbing this mountain to where I thought we were supposed to go. And because I wasn't listening, this journey included a landslide that brought me down. Big time.

When I really started thinking about why I want to be a parent, I realized, it doesn't matter how my children come to me. I just want to make a difference in young people's lives. I want them to have a good life. I want to teach them the skills to enter the world; to be able to navigate, to succeed, to fail, to get back up. I wondered, can I handle these changing tides? Will I be able to handle walking out of this dark season of my life?

And it kept coming to me. I have indeed been afraid of changing from the path I thought I was to be on, that one I thought I wanted. I had built my life, used everything I have worked for, made decisions based on the children that I thought were to come to me naturally. I wrestled endless with the fact that my gut tells me, if we get to the IVF step, I really in my heart don't think it's right for us. As I watch children around me get older, kids I've known since they were born (or close to it)...Charity and Dave's kids, Jessica's kids, my friend Tiffany's kids....I realized, simply being a parent is all I want to do and it doesn't matter anymore how I get there. I'm getting older, too. Having a child(ren) of our own may or may not happen. I will be ecstatic if it does and will be sad if it doesn't. So will Brad. But this time, it won't be a landslide that brings us down.

We are on a path to opening our home to kids who have to leave their home, their family, and maybe their school/friends. This 10 week class is excellent at equipping people for knowing what sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and joy to expect on this journey. It's going to be tough and there will be tears, but I know the reward on the other side is great.

Yes Stevie Nicks, the child in my heart will rise above. Thank you for writing this song so I could see where I am supposed to go; to see what joy will come out of a landslide...

My favorite version of this song. Stevie & Sheryl Crow

May 2011: Rocking out & Parenting

Wow, May has flown by..what is it with time these days? The month started off very rough, with the death of Brad's grandpa, but it is looking to end on a higher note for sure.

For Brad's birthday, I got him ticket to see the Foo Fighters, his favorite band. I haven't been feeling well (allergies) and the concert was 3.5-4 hours away. Being the nut jobs we are, we took a 1/2 day off work, drove to Council Bluffs, stayed the night (4.5 hours), got up and drove back so I could make my presentation Tuesday morning at 11am.

I was nervous after we got to the venue because I had a sinus headache and felt crappy and just wanted to sit down. Then I saw a sign that one of the opening bands couldn't make it and the Foo was playing for 2.5 hours. I thought, great for Brad, but how am I going to stand for the next 4 hours?

We wandered to a spot near the front but didn't make our way to the stage, as I didn't feel like putting up with the moshing kids that night. Instead we moved over to an extended stage and walkway that was in the middle. We figured we could have some room and get to see the Foo up close.

Now, Dave Grohl, the lead singer of the Foo is also the former drummer of Nirvana and Brad's biggest man crush. I knew we would enjoy this concert, but it was unreal.

I forgot about how crappy I felt until nearly 2 hours into the Foo's set. He came to the extended stage in front of us several times, even playing my favorite Foo song right there. I could have died happy, right there in Council Bluffs. We love music so much and live music, well there just aren't words. It's such an outlet for the both of us and this, Brad's ultimate concert was simply amazing. Dave Grohl is extremely talented and funny, and this show was a display of his personality. It was almost spiritual being able to sing as loud as you want to all of your favorite songs and being in the presence of someone so talented. And the fact that he's hot doesn't hurt :). He also ran by us on the walkway to the stage in the back, so I was about 3 ft from him at several points through the night. Amazing.

Some people may say I'm star struck, but I'm more like talent struck. I don't like people just because they are famous, I'm intrigued by their stories, their lives, and their talents. I feel the same about people who aren't famous, too. The people I like, who just happen to be famous, I'm in aww of because they are usually crazy talented, hence the reason they are famous.

I took nearly 100 pictures at this concert and never want to forget how much fun it was or how much Brad (and I) enjoyed it. The only thing that could probably top this for Brad is getting a guitar lesson from the Grohl himself.



The other cool thing that happened this month is we started our 10 week parenting classes for getting our fostering license, so that we can adopt out of the foster system. It seems like it's going to be a great overall parenting class, and one probably everyone should take. As you hear stories of kids and see their parents in need, I know more and more in my heart this is the right thing. We continue down the path of trying to have biological kids, but we were meant to do this adoption process. I can just feel it.

What a great end to the month of May.