I Get By

So on Thursday night we went to visit the littles at their current home. Their current home is full of nice people who have done a great job of raising them the past several months. Really great. We took Bob and Dani with us as they were hanging out with me Thursday and Friday. We all played around in the backyard and I talked with their current mom about their beginnings, trials, progresses, successes and future needs. We talked about likes, dislikes, discipline, progress, good times and tough times. We talked about what led them to the extremely difficult decision to let them go versus add them to their own family forever.

It was a low key visit; about an hour and a half, playing kick ball, piling up rocks, throwing frisbees, and zooming around on riding toys.  When we left noone in the car really said anything; Even though I was a little frozen and overwhelmed I said, "What do you think". Brad said, "I think definitely yes". On the other hand it wasn't so easy for me. I felt the same as when we visited our first littles, like I was somehow test driving a car, which I absolutely hated. They deserve so much more than that. Their current mom said to call her the next day and let her know what we thought after talking it over.  Brad reminded me, "We said we would only say no to kiddos if there was a significant concern, right?". Yes.  So in his mind we were already on our way to a done deal. But for me these life changing decisions have to be talked out, even if we have already decided and are on the same page. Why? I have no idea. I'm just complicated. I guess it helps me ensure we are asking the right questions and are truly on the same page. I was excited, but terrified. Of a transition. Of upsetting them by moving them in the future - Who wants to break a little's heart? My nerves were calmed a little when I realized that the oldest calls current dad "Dad" to talk to him, but uses his name to talk about him to other people. Current mom also said oldest is questioning if she will be staying there or living somewhere else. Somehow I find this more comforting, that she doesn't think she is going to stay there forever and I'm not ripping her away quite as badly.

So Friday I talked to current mom again and she offerred to drop them off and leave them to see how they would do. She dropped them at 5:30 and they ate dinner with us (Charity, Dave, Dani, Bob, and Kelly were over for grilling), we played inside and then after dessert we played in the front yard (since the grass is shorter and was therefore drier, after the rain). We played kickball, frisbee, catch, football and ran around the yard.  When current mom and dad came to pick them up, they of course ran to them, which was so internally hard for me. But when they asked if they had fun and wanted to come back -- YES!. Oh, and they loved Sammy and Sophie, which is a huge win.   Their worker comes back from vacation at the end of next week and we should know much more then; She has to sign off on us.  We still also have a couple of legal hurdles to jump if she approves.

So, they will be back to visit us on Wednesday for the holiday for nearly an entire day. I am so excited  - And I think easing into these visits are as much for me at this point as they are for them. Luckily I have the most understanding husband in the world who is ok that I need time to process all of this.  It's what I want, but I have to walk through all of the questions, the answers, the thoughts, the concerns, the joys all in my head. I also have amazing friends and family. I don't know what I would do without all of you. It's so comforting how our joy is your joy, our worries and thoughts are yours. Noone ever tells me how I should feel, but supports and encourages in exactly the right way. I have an amazing life - And John Lennon said it best: