Let's Be Honest

I never thought I'd get to this point. I am so happy for my friends who are pregnant. I feel sad that they don't want to tell because they think I'll be upset. I hate that. I don't want them to pity me. I want to share in their joy. I am truly happy for them, but I will admit, after all that happiness, there's a little hole in my heart for the struggle we are having. It doesn't matter if they tell me or not, I always have a little sadness every day. I'll be watching some reality TV and see real life siblings or parents who love their children with incredible abundance and I find myself longing for that feeling myself. And now it makes me at least tear up every time. I hate I'm at this place. I hate that I'm getting frustrated, because I don't like that feeling and because it's not good for the process.

It almost makes mad that there isn't really truly anything wrong, it's just taken a long time to figure what my body wants to do and adapt. I feel the clock ticking. Loudly. If we aren't successful this month or next, we have to go to Iowa City. I really don't want to do that. I'm so not prepared to attempt IVF if that's what they recommend. I really don't want to do it. It makes me feel selfish that I'm concerned about how it will affect me (I hate taking medications, etc) and what it will mean financially.

Right after I went off the pill, Brad and I talked about how we would handle it if something was wrong. We didn't want to be in the throws of this and trying to make decisions. That's how marriages are destroyed through this. We decided we would go as far as we were comfortable financially (we decided we would not be accumulating mounds and mounds of debt and mortgaging our house again for it). I don't judge others that do, it's just not for us. Brad has been so supportive of my not wanting to do rounds and rounds of IVF, if it's recommended. We have agreed we would both be very sad if we couldn't have one of our own, but that we were open to adopting. That also would be extremely hard, but I can't fight the feeling that it's something we are meant to do. I also wouldn't count out the fact we might eventually get pregnant on our own later.

This whole thing makes me want to be around my nieces and nephews even more. When Hunter and Ian see me, they run to me and give me a big hug and ask to come stay overnight at my house. I find myself looking forward to spring break and hope I can keep them at least one night. I just love being around them and their hugs and kisses and wanting to show me their crazy shenanigans. It helps feel that tiny hole for while.