I know, there's not more on your plate than you can handle....But I think my plate is tipping over....The last two weeks have been the most stressful I've had in a few months. It's so hard. I shouldn't be stressed, I should be sleeping regularly and yet, it doesn't happen.
I go to the doctor for my thyroid issue tomorrow. I've been more stressed by it than I should. But I REALLY do not want to be on medication for it for the rest of my life. I know, I know. I can't control it. Oh, and I've had this urge to cry constantly for more than a week...Usually at the drop of a hat. Sounds like pregnancy, right? Well, apparently it must just be my thyroid throwing my hormones off. Oh, and it's impedes pregnancy. Great. Nice timing, thyroid.
I was essentially forced into working for a co-worker who I've had a really great friendship with the past 2 years. I wouldn't mind working, but there was deception and lack of respect and consideration involved in the whole thing. To make matters worse, it meant I had to work 2 days of days, 2 nights, and 3 days again. This situation did not positively contribute to my stress level or sleep schedule due to the time switch, twice and because I worked 2 extra days, I was exhausted....
We had a conference at Grandpa's nursing home last Friday. My cousins and aunt were in town, so we went to visit him. I was there starting at 11am and didn't leave until after 5:30. The visit with the family was great. The conference was stressful. Grandpa is lucid 95% of the time when he's there, because he's on a regular schedule for everything he does. When he goes home that schedule and structure go out the window and he has bad days. A bad day at home could be life threatening. It's such a hard decision to keep him in there when he's lucid most of the time and physically is getting better. While we know it's the right thing, he doesn't and wants to be at home. The home is really good and is really trying to help tailor his activities to things he wants, but he's just being stubborn. I understand, because I can't imagine how much it sucks to not be at home, but it was heart wrenching. I was so emotionally exhausting by the end of it, and to hear how angry, frustrated and depressed he can be.
At work, there is always more to be done than there is time in the week. I'm tired of people nagging me, is this done yet, is that done yet, when will this be done. When I FREAKING get to it. I hardly ever miss deadlines, but I am involved in so much that there is a lot to do. I prioritize and do what needs to be done first, or what's coming up due. But when other people's plates aren't as full, their stuff is so important. I have rarely ever missed something important, or didn't get to something that needed to be done. But some people have no patience and no perspective. Although they know I'm reliable and will get it done. Trust, people. I've never let you down by missed a deadline or not helped out. Give it a second, already. Then they added another thing to my plate. I'm not even finished with the training in my new department and they already named me the trainer for our department, which brings a whole set of new things I need to do. While I am happy for the opportunity (it's like the one thing at a building I've never done) and know it will be helpful to me developmentally, I am still working on a project from my last position that's due by the end of this month. And, though I have given up a captain-ship that I've held for the past two years, the handoff of lots of projects I'm tasked with hasn't happened yet. Oh, and to boot, I'm probably going to end up being named captain of another group. Again, while I welcome the opportunity, it's another thing on the plate. I could work 7 days a week for a month and maybe get half done. Not to mention this workload isn't good for me right now either. And adding in the hormones that are probably raging due to my thyroid, it makes for me being a hot mess.
Thought I was done? Oh no. It goes on. One of the team members I worked with in Virginia died last week very unexpectedly. So sad. He was an extremely sweet person who worked his tail off. When I went back to visit in November, he quickly came up to me and gave me a hug. He said he wished I was coming back because he really missed me and it wasn't quite the same without me. I think it's even harder because I just saw him and he said something so sweet and personal. Heart. Breaking.
So I guess it's no surprise that my pregnancy result this week was again negative. Frustrating because January was the first month we got a positive ovulation test and really got the timing right. And a confession, We knew I would be ovulating when Brad went away on business, so I went with him. Can't waste a month of medication...So this is my last month on Clomid and I called the doctor to get my refill and find out how I get referred to Iowa City.They were able to get me in next Thursday. I was really shocked that I got in so quickly. This week I heard another encouraging story about someone at work who was diagnosed with unexplained fertility and did the insemination step in Iowa City with both of her pregnancies and had success. While I'm happy for her and the other co-worker who went to Iowa City, it's no guarantee we will have success. And I continue to have heartache around IVF, if it's recommended. I really in my heart do not want to go through it. It feels selfish and makes me question, does that mean I really don't want kids, because I don't want to do everything medically possible? I'm still really excited about the adoption route and (extremely) slowly am trying to come to grips with the fact it's ok to choose adoption over IVF. My friends and family are convinced that if we adopt a child, I'll get pregnant then. Well, we can hope, can't we.
People keep telling me I need a vacation. I need to just get away and slow down. But the problem is, I don't want to vacation or slow down without Brad. If I go away somewhere just to run away for a while, I want him to come to and he can't just leave work right now. Not to mention he has to manage his vacation time in a smart way this year. I don't know. The first step right now is getting to the doctor tomorrow and hoping I will start to feel better once we sort out this thyroid thing.
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