We started our PS-MAPP classes 4 weeks in our journey to get our foster care license. We have to have our license in order to adopt children from the foster care system.
With every class we go to, with every discussion we have, with every child we talk about, I become more and more sure that we were put on this path for a reason. I don't know how you get more sure, after you are 100% sure, but it's apparently possible.
I've known in my head that every minute of the past 5 years (our infertility anniversary is in April) was happening for a reason. I truly believe that this is always the case, even on the days my heart didn't care and didn't want to listen to my head. Whether you call it God or something else, there are no accidents. I also believe if you don't learn the lesson the first time around, it will come back to you again. The second time it really knocks you on your can.
Since I was old enough to dream about getting married and having a family, I have always entertained thoughts of adoption in my head. It's that part of my soul that always wants to save the world. Whether it's recycling, making Brad shut off the lights when he's in another part of the house, or using cloth bags when I go shopping, I want the steps I take to be deliberate, to matter.
A little bit during class last week and through the entire 3 hours this week, this little voice inside my head explained, "THIS is why I tortured you over the past year. This is why you had to shed all of the tears. You knew in your heart all along you could and wanted to adopt children you could help, but once you had your own, you may have stopped considering it. You wanted a sign that it this is what you should do. Well, now you have it.".
For the past month or so, the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac keeps coming up on my iPod. Again, not believing this is coincidence, especially since I have over 1000 songs it could pick, I started to really listen to the lyrics of the song. I tried hard. Really hard, to find the lesson in all of this. Not only did I see myself in the lyrics, but I saw the kids my mind made up as what the perfect picture of what our life would be. But then, I saw them...The kids that will eventually be ours.
Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older
I'm getting older too
I realized, I've been climbing this mountain to where I thought we were supposed to go. And because I wasn't listening, this journey included a landslide that brought me down. Big time.
When I really started thinking about why I want to be a parent, I realized, it doesn't matter how my children come to me. I just want to make a difference in young people's lives. I want them to have a good life. I want to teach them the skills to enter the world; to be able to navigate, to succeed, to fail, to get back up. I wondered, can I handle these changing tides? Will I be able to handle walking out of this dark season of my life?
And it kept coming to me. I have indeed been afraid of changing from the path I thought I was to be on, that one I thought I wanted. I had built my life, used everything I have worked for, made decisions based on the children that I thought were to come to me naturally. I wrestled endless with the fact that my gut tells me, if we get to the IVF step, I really in my heart don't think it's right for us. As I watch children around me get older, kids I've known since they were born (or close to it)...Charity and Dave's kids, Jessica's kids, my friend Tiffany's kids....I realized, simply being a parent is all I want to do and it doesn't matter anymore how I get there. I'm getting older, too. Having a child(ren) of our own may or may not happen. I will be ecstatic if it does and will be sad if it doesn't. So will Brad. But this time, it won't be a landslide that brings us down.
We are on a path to opening our home to kids who have to leave their home, their family, and maybe their school/friends. This 10 week class is excellent at equipping people for knowing what sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and joy to expect on this journey. It's going to be tough and there will be tears, but I know the reward on the other side is great.
Yes Stevie Nicks, the child in my heart will rise above. Thank you for writing this song so I could see where I am supposed to go; to see what joy will come out of a landslide...
My favorite version of this song. Stevie & Sheryl Crow
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