Adoption Day

Is it even possible that it's been 3 months exactly, since adoption day? My last post was about the home stretch of our wait, today it's been 3 months since the adoption. How does that happen? All of those years of waiting and now we are looking in the rear view mirror at that big day. Here's a bit of catch up about Dellitville.

I had to explain to the kids at some point why we were going to court, because as far as they  have ever known, they were always staying with us. So telling them we had to go "make it official" was a bit weird. I explained it like when Mommy and Daddy got married. We got married at a church in front of our friends and we were married, but we had to sign and send in paperwork. I told them adoption was kind of the same thing. We are a forever family, but we had to go to see the judge and tell him for sure that we want to be together forever. Knya once asked me "Will he tell you to 'sign here'"? She kills me - I told her that I was pretty sure he would make us sign some paperwork but the their names would be changed. {About a week before we found out the kids would be staying for sure, she randomly told me she thought her old last name was boring and that she wanted to change it - I told her we could talk about it - It was almost that she could sense everything that was happening right before it happened.}

Leading up to the day, Knya kept telling me that she was going to break dance for the judge because she was so happy. I asked both she and Mo what they were going to tell the judge when we got there and they said "We want to be a forever family!!". I have video of the days leading up - It's too cute - I will post them on my Shutterfly picture/video site that I am creating. {The link will be on the left side bar when I get it done}.

Adoption Day happened on February 28, 2013 - It was a Thursday and was a fantastic day that I couldn't have planned any better. Knya wore a dress and shoes that she picked out, especially for the big day. She was so excited, and couldn't wait to change her name. I picked out Mo's outfit for him and boy did he look handsome. We got up early , got everyone ready and in some bizarre twist of the universe, all 4 of us were ready to go, ahead of time.  We got to the courthouse early so we could meet our village who was coming to cheer us on. We had to move to a bigger courtroom because we had so many people and our friend Beth took pictures. I knew I wanted to capture pictures, but wanted to focus on the moments so I asked if she would take the pictures instead. She did an amazing job.

We signed {yet more} paperwork when we got to the courthouse and then went in to sit at the tables. Our village sat in audience and we waited for the judge. The kids were on our laps and we turned around to talk to everyone while we waited. Knya, who is usually really outgoing in front of people she knows, clammed up and just smiled sweetly, but didn't say much. Mo on the other hand, hammed it up. He was talking about his car, his outfit, everything. At one point, he randomly said "Everyone in here say 'Forever Family!'". It was the cutest thing. Ever.

The judge came out and Mo asked "Are you the judge?" The judge told him yes and then told Mo he liked his sweater vest. He told the judge that he had just gotten it. The judge asked us some questions and then had to swear us in for the official stuff. He asked Brad and I to raise our right hands. We did. And so did Mo. The judge noted for the record that all 3 of us had been sworn in. The funniest part of the whole thing was that the court reporter had to document everything he was saying. I really need to get a copy of that transcript.

When we were done, we did pictures with everyone in the courtroom. We got the whole village in one picture. Several people had to go back to work, but we went to lunch with my parents, grandparents, Brad's dad and Kelly and Amanda.  Then we headed home.

We pulled Knya out of school for the whole day and Brad had taken the whole day off, so we were left to our devices. There was a lot of snow on the ground - We had a blizzard a couple of days before - so we decided to go sledding - just the 4 of us. And it was awesome. The perfect day.

Home Stretch

We met our adoption worker about 2 weeks ago and he takes over our case from here on out.  We first have to hit our 6 month mark of the kids living with us, which happens tomorrow!  Next we have to secure a lawyer (which I never realized we needed - that was one thing we were told we didn't need...but oh well).

The worker who is transitioning off the case was at the meeting and let me know we have a review hearing on 2/28/13 already so we are all hoping we can get the paperwork done and shipped around and back for that hearing. DHS can start processing our paperwork after tomorrow, so we'll see if the rat race can meet our desires!

I am already planning a party for our friends and family, but probably not until March. I have to find the time to be able to do it, and I'm hoping to do it during spring break, so nobody has school, including me.

I also am going to start using a notes app on my phone to jot down great moments or things they say so I can recall them to blog. Here are some recent ones: 

• Even though Little Man is potty trained except for his night time pull up, he has been inconsistent about  making good decisions to get to the bathroom when he is playing and other times.  So this week after 2 accidents in one day at day care, we reviewed our 3 daily reminders:
• Be a good listener
• Always tell the truth
• Go potty in the toilet

I felt the need to review that his pants are NOT considered an acceptable toilet. So I tacked on a new saying to his favorite, "No more ackidents!" with "My pants are not a toi-let". So I repeat: You will go potty because....And he jumps in "MY PANTS ARE NOT A TOILET". It's pretty hilarious and I need to get a video.

• This week Sweet Pea told me that she is going to be a rock star when she grows up. She keeps making up songs for everything and like her momma, can't get enough of music. She did not say she wants to be, but she will be one. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be cool if that happened. Hahaha.

• Little Man is super snuggly. What great moments. These are the ones that make me want to do this. For me and for them.

• We have told the kids that they will be adopted, hopefully in February. She wants it to hurry up and get here because she "can't wait anymore" (Yeah, she's my kid - 0 patience) and wants to change her last name to Dellit. I have described it to her as this: We are your forever family, but we have to go see the judge and tell him what it's been like living with all of us and that you are ok with us being your mommy and daddy forever. Her response: "Will he then tell you to sign here". She is so freaking smart.

• He also knows that he will be adopted and keeps saying his name and adds DELLIT at the end. He can actually say Dellit better than his real first name or middle names. We are still torn as to what to do here with his name. His name is a bit, out of the norm - Usually I'm ok with that, but I want to ensure it doesn't complicate his life. We knew we would be dropping at least one of his middle names but I also want to keep part of his history. It's extremely important to me. Jessica made a great suggestion, so we are simmering on her suggestion because we both like it. Alot.

• She has really turned into a girly girl. She likes to play dress up and got lots of cool outfits from Dani that she just loves. She also has has gotten him into. He thinks it's cool to dress up in high heels and fling around pom-poms.

Pictures soon; promise.

I also am still working on my MBA, and volunteering a lot. I am actually headed to Dallas next week for a Alz Assoc leadership conference and I am stoked. Both about it being warm and the conference itself.

Brad is doing well - Working as usual and settling into being a dad. He is really liking a trauma training we are doing through our foster/adopt support group. It's a fabulous training and we are getting a lot of out it.

People have asked if we will stop after this adoption. We haven't made any definite plans out loud, but I don't think we are done. But we have to be selective while I'm in school to make sure we can accommodate any kiddo(s) who needs us. We'll see what happens. Brad did ask for a break for a bit -- I think I can give him one - it's well deserved.

THE Call, er, E-mail!

Sorry I am a little late in updating, but man the holidays are busy and fun! I was trying as hard as I possibly could to be patient during our 15 day wait for the appeals process to be over. I didn't hear anything on day 15 and then on day 16, I emailed the social worker. We exchanged a couple of messages and then she said she couldn't stand not knowing and called one of the lawyers. The lawyer indicated there would be NO appeal and

WE GET TO ADOPT THE KIDS!

I was the only one home, trying to take advantage of cleaning and organizing. I BAWLED. Then I texted Bob - I promised him when he was like 6 that he would be the first one to know when I got pregnant. Since that didn't happen, this was the next best thing! Then I called Brad and my sisters and parents and then my immediate village who has  been so important in our adventure.

So we got to enjoy Christmas as a family (insert huge smile) and none of this was weighing on my shoulders. It was wonderous.

In mid-January we will switch to an adoption social worker who will help us pick a date in February to go to court and then,  BAM. We are officially, officially, 100% , totally, completely OFFICIAL!

We have to wait until after the first week of February as the kids have to live with you 6 months before you can adopt, but so glad that isn't too far away.

I am working on a Shutterfly site where you can go see the kids as soon as this is complete. I will likely not post much on Facebook because I can control who accesses the Shutterfly site.

Also the kids are so excited that they get to change their name to Dellit...It's the cutest thing ever.

The Judgement

Back in September we went to court for a big, big day. All I can really say is that everyone involved with the kids recommended that the kiddos stay with us, except for one person. Because that person did not agree we had to do a mini trial in September. If the judge ruled one way, Sweet Pea would stay but Little Man would go. If he ruled the other way, they both stay. The biggest factor here for everyone was keeping them together since they are so close as they are brother and sister and have been close their whole lives. There were even some of their family members who felt it was best they be adopted by us.

So on Monday, December 3rd, I was sitting in a meeting with my department at work. I saw my phone ring and saw it was the social worker. Then I saw she left a voicemail. We deal more with family support workers than the social worker so I got a huge pit in my stomach that this might be the call we were waiting for. I stepped out of the room to listen to the voicemail. All I heard were the magical words I had been waiting for. I listened to the rest of the message but didn't really listen. One of my peers who I am friends with, was in the conference room next to ours and I waved him over. He asked if I was ok and looked very worried. I told him it was about the kids. He got a look of panic and asked if it was good news or bad news. I gave him a thumbs up and he flashed a huge smile. I had no idea what the rest of the message said, I was shaking so bad.

I darted into a conference room and shut the door and started bawling. I could barely figure out how to work my phone in order to call Brad. I finally figured it out and called him, trying not to be hysterical. Mom and Tiff didn't answer but luckily Dad and Jessica did. I got myself back together and went back to my meeting.

On my way to a group meeting for my MBA class, I called Bob first. Bob and I had this deal since he was like 7 that when I was going to have a baby, I would call him first. While I forgot to call him ahead of my family, I made sure my first call out of the meeting was to him. Luckily he answered the phone.  I called several of my girlfriends on my way to the meeting.  And then before I went in to meet my group, I listened to the whole message. It outlined what happens next:

• The judge ruled the kids would not go home
• There was now a 15 day appeal window. I someone appeals, (which isn't expected) then it goes to the appellate court who has either 60 or 90 days to review it. She said she hasn't ever seen a case overturned. Which does not mean it wouldn't happen.
• If no one appeals, then we switch social workers to an adoption worker
• We can set a date for adoption sometime after February 4th. (This is because they have to live with us for 6 months before we can adopt them - Our 6 months is up on 2/4/13)

So for now, we wait again....with fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

Because You're Awesome

Dear Little Man,

Well, it's been quite the few weeks with you. It's kind of funny, that I wrote about your sister on day 49 of knowing her. And here I am on day 149, writing about you. I didn't wait this long on purpose. I just can't write about things until they strike me in the right way. So here we are. 

We are over 2 months in on our wait to find out what will happen with you and your sister and I'm getting a bit impatient.  You two fit in so well with us that I often have to remind myself there is a small chance you might not stay here and that you aren't ours...yet. I hate those moments of reality.

When you first moved in, you attached to Brad like glue. Anytime I asked you to do something, especially something you didn't like, you clung to him. I just kept trying to win you over, but didn't lose my firmness with you. Lately, I don't know what changed, but wow. I wouldn't change it for the world.

You used to want to snuggle up to daddy all the time. You were rarely interested in me. You would give me hugs, but not really. Every time we did something, you wanted to know where Daddy Braddy was. Although I know this could be something rooted in your past, or nothing at all, it really hurt. Alot. 

We changed your daycare soon after one of our court dates because your daycare was mentioned in court. I just didn't want to chance it. Besides, our in home provider does a great job and we knew she would teach you great things. And your daycare was quite chaotic and I was hoping to get you some quiet down time there. This of course means you are ready to run a marathon when you get home at night. What will we do when it's -30 outside?! You have done so well there. She is so good for you.

As much as I hate poop & pee, I love your adventures in potty training. You struggled for a bit and we talk about having "no more accidents", but when you say it, it comes out "NO MORE ACKIDINTS!" and you laugh and jump and grin so big. Sometimes when I ask you if you had any accidents at day care, you yell this and give high fives. When you are sitting on the potty to go poop, you sing Old McDonald. "Old McDonald had a farm E-I-O. With a moo moo here and moo moo there moo moo eveewhere."  Can you be any cuter?  I love how we practiced what to do if you have to go potty and you are at a certain place. I know, I'm a dork. But if we don't practice, I don't think I can expect you to remember what to do in the moment.

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while we are in the car?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while we are in the grocery store?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while you are at day care?

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

Me: What do you do if you have to go potty while Grandma is here? 

You: *raising & waving hand* I half a go potty, please!

I love how you and your sister dropped our names at some point and just started calling us Mommy and Daddy. I love how when you went to visit your foster family, you told me they were your foster family because *Mom's Name* couldn't take care of you. I love how you said we were your forever family, even though we really haven't talked with you about it at all.

I love how you call my mom "Grandma Vicky" and my dad "Papa" and Brad's dad "Papa Ron". I love how you know that Jessica and Tiffany are my sisters and that "Unca Curt" is a fireman and "Papa is a police man".  You remind us literally every day when we drive nearly anywhere that there is "GRANDMA VICKY'S WORK AT THE HIGH TOWER". Why I don't have a video of this yet, it beyond me. I guess it's because I'm driving 90% of the time you belt this out. We could and sometimes do, drive by 5 times a day and you tell us every time.

And the music. Oh my, the music. If you ever read this, you will know that I really dislike children's music. Not that I want to deprive you from it; some of it's good for you. But just getting you to love music is all I really want. You and your sister love it. LOVE it.  We first started listening to I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas and you call it the Good Night song. And you totally sing it while you are on the pot. "It's gun be good good night Oooooo". You also love a much less famous song On Display by Melissa Gorga. I thought you might like it because it's repetitive with the On Display part. During the song, she sings "I'm a fighter, I'm a tiger" and so you call it The Tiger Song. And The Beatles...Oh The Beatles. I put this cover on my phone this summer and your sister asked who it was. I told her John Lennon of The Beatles, who sings Yellow Submarine, a song you both love. She asked a question about him that I can't remember now, but my answer was that he died. So now, when I ask you who is on my phone, you matter-of-factly report: "John L-L-L-L-Lennon of da Beatles and he died. And when I ask what song The Beatles sing, you say Yellow Submamine. And then your sister says All You Need Is Love and you both break out in "All you need is love, love, love is all you need".  

And there is the Call Me Maybe song. We were in Kohl's one day and it came on the overhead speaker and you started singing it right in the car. Adorable. Your favorite right now is Dirt Road Anthem, which you call The Dirt Road Song. I really  need to get videos of you singing these songs. It's too precious to not capture.

The last couple of weeks, you have been running up to me when I come home and giving me the biggest hugs. The kind where you jump into my arms and hug me, literally, with your whole self. And you laugh and jump and are so excited to see me. And you say "Mommy, mommy!" which you never did before.  You don't duck away from me, and you seek me out for hugs and snuggles. 

And then last night..You curled up next to me as we watched Elf. You asked if you could sit by me. And then put your head on my shoulder. 

And tonight. From the living room I heard you ask Daddy if I was coming in. You gave me a huge hug and asked me to sing to you. We sang the *Your Name* Is Safe song. You love that one and *Your Name Is Loved". Then I said I love you so much. And you said "I love you so much. You get big hugs" When I asked you why. You said "because you're awesome and you get big hugs". 

No buddy, you're awesome.

Mom

Today I picked up Sweet Pea from day care for an appointment. When she came out of her appointment, she very nonchalantly handed me these. When I flipped to the one that said "MOM" it took me a second to realize she meant me.

It took my breath away. My heart literally skipped a beat.

Sometime before Christmas I could be told that I will be this child's mom.

In May, Sadie made me a "Happy Foster Mommy Dad" card from our other littles. It meant the world. I never expected it.

This was different. She wants me to her mom. For real. Forever. It just looks different on paper.

When she writes it.

A Tremendous Burden

So I really have been meaning to be better about logging things about life. There are about 613 times every day that I wish I recorded, video taped, or blogged instantly about things that happen or are said in our house.  Today was a significant day for us. It was likely the last court date before the judge decides the permanency for the littles who are living with us.  Of course the goal is for us to be their forever family if they need one. The judges usually don't take more than 90 days and could rule right away. Have I mentioned I love the amount of waiting we do around here. Or not. While spending a half day (thankfully not all day) in court was significant, the conversations we had while there were more significant. It's an extraordinary experience to speak with the parents of children when those parents know if their kids don't go home, you will likely end up being their children's forever family.

What do you say to someone about how you will take care of their children for the rest of their lives? How do you provide comfort that you will do the best that you can to ensure their children have a wonderful life? How do you even begin to express gratitude when a parent says "we think we know how this is going to go and if it does, you seem like a nice family".  Saying you promise to take great care of them, if that's how this goes, and that you promise to give them a great life, it seems too small. Whether parents' relationships with their children are severed voluntarily or involuntarily, it is a tremendous burden to bear. In our situation, I feel a huge sense of obligation to do better than my best at being a parent if these kids end up a part of our forever family. Not only to we owe ourselves and these children this obligation, there are many other people connected to these little lives that are counting on us. Now, it will not always be a daily burden, but I already think of it sometimes and can only imagine how many times it will pop into my head for the rest of my life.

It was an emotional day for everyone. Listening to someone petition for you to be the ones responsible for these precious little faces is almost indescribable. Watching a mother smile through her many tears while she listens to someone describe how wonderful her kids are doing, is almost more than a heart can take.

Today I wanted to just be emotional. I held back as much as I could. My time will come in the next couple of days to just bawl my eyes out to get out all of this emotion. Today was about them. I told Brad later that for me, was about comforting the hearts of these reeling parents that if their family ends up separated, their babies will be in great hands. I promised them. I hugged them. Reassurance that there is no judgement from us; that we all have struggles in life. I wish I could have told them more. I wish they could understand how much my heart aches for them and at the same time is singing for what the future might hold for our family. I'm not bi-polar, but sometimes I think my heart is.

At least one of their family members knows we haven't been able to have our own kids. One person said they will be so happy if they end up with us because they want them to be together and think they will be so loved.....They have no idea.

Love, Mommy Andrea

Dear Sweet Pea,

It's hard to believe that I only met you 49 days ago - You only officially moved into our house 2 weeks ago tomorrow - And tomorrow I am sending you off to your first day of school.

You have been a joy in our lives in this short time: You are full of fun, wonder, and giggles. You love to color, have books read to you, play with your brother, have your hair done, repeat stories from books, call Brad "Daddy Braddy" and me "Mommy Andrea", sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Itsy Bitsy Spider when I am snuggled up with you at bedtime.

You love to blow bubbles, play barbies, play with Dani, turn on your latern or night light at bedtime, play with Sammy & Sophie, announce to me in your best authoritative voice: "There's dog poop over here! Sammy, that's disgusting!"  You love to matter-of-factly report when your brother is doing something he shouldn't be and remind me when I ask you lots of questions at dinner time: "I have to concentrate on eating!" and in the mornings ask me for approval "I wasn't pokey today was I?" You love to ask "Are we in a hurry today?"  and "I did a good job, didn't I?". I totally love that after I asked you "are you leaving me hanging" after dis-ing me during a high-five request, that now you sometimes tell us "leaving you hanging!!" for hugs, kisses, high-fives and other affections. That laugh, that huge belly laugh with the giant grin. I can hardly handle how wonderful it is....

I love tonight when you were done with your shower and were giggling with your towel on your head and I said "Why is that towel SO giggly?" and you raised it up, with the biggest smile on your face and said "It's ME, SILLY!" and you laughed so hard. And tonight when you joked that I couldn't drop you off at school tomorrow with Brad, so I said you were going to have walk the 3 miles home and you said "No! You're picking me up!".  And how you loved your first pita from Pita Pit tonight. For the record, it was turkey and provolone with lettuce and honey mustard.

Tonight seeing you play in your Kindergarten room was short but sweet - I love how excited you are for this day. I could tell you were a bit nervous even though you didn't say it.

I don't know what the future holds for you, your brother, or us. But I feel honored to be your "mommy" on your first day of Kindergarten.

Love,
mommy andrea

The Skinny

Life is busy as usual around here, but here's the skinny about what's going on around here!

• My nephew Dakota Lyle was born 1 week ago on 7/16 and I got to visit when he was 19 hours old. *sigh* love him. Doug came to the hospital - yay! My friend from Kary from high school works at the hospital and came to visit us too. Great day.

• Our house is looking much different these days - We have the beginning of a boys room and a girls room. The kiddos move in with us next Thursday. More on the transition later, but things are going well...moments are hard, but it's going as well as I think you can expect. We are making due with what we have right now, but will be replacing the beds for them as we go

• I am looking into starting the MBA program in August. I think I might be crazy. Yep. Crazy.

• I got all of my paperwork in for the infertility support group. We should  be able to start meeting in August.  I can't wait for this to get off the ground.

• Friday was a great night. Saturday was a great day...I took it off for the fun of it. Friday night we had a Pampered Chef party and hung with with friends until midnight. My new friend, Dre, who lives in Cedar Rapids came up - It was so fun. Saturday we went to the walk for the missing girls to show support - Sammy and Sophie got famous and made the Waterloo Courier. Then we manned the Alz Association booth at the farmer's market, took a killer nap, hit the College Hill Arts Festival, swung through University Book & Supply and hit up some clearance racks, grubbed at Montage, and then hung at home the rest of the time. Awesome.

• The 2 Evansdale girls have been missing for more than a week. Regardless of who took them, I can't imagine what a scary thing it is for them. I don't know them, but night is hard for me to think about them not being in their own beds, away from their families. It makes me incredibly sad for the girls and what they must be going through. I hope for their sake they are with someone they know.

Enjoy the pictures of our lives this week.

Walk For Lyric & Elizabeth

A New Place

Sorry Mike - Here I am again...

I have been dealt the harsh reality this week that I am in a new place I have never been before. That basically, I won't be able to achieve a goal I set for myself. Without moving to another job first, I won't be able to do the job I want to do. And then...It still wouldn't be a guarantee. I've always been successful at every job I've had. I work wickedly hard to be the best at everything I do -I've never not been able to achieve the next thing I wanted in my career. After years of being told "keep doing what you're doing" and "you can absolutely do that job, you just have a few things to work on", the door all but closed on Sunday.

After discussing my job and career goals again this weekend, I was told that I have a great overall picture of the business, I make decisions based on what's good for the business and people, I can develop people, and various other wonderful things I am good at. And I was also told that I make things too personal. I was told that leading at the next level, everything is so personal. When I asked if I could do the job, the answer was Yes. But I was told that I would need to have a job outside of the operation (most likely at headquarters) to take a step back in order to be successful at the next level. I shared that I have asked about the things I would need to work on for the past 3 years and this wasn't shared. I was told I've made great growth in the past year, that people see that great things I'm doing -- When I asked "then what good was all of that doing...where is all of that leading" I was told we'd need to talk about it next weekend.  I was upset because when I wanted to go to HQ, I got strong armed into going to Iowa to this new building because they were having trouble getting people to move here. Now that I can't go to HQ, I'm told it's pretty much my only hope in getting to the level I want to lead at, and even then, it would be no guarantee.

I shared I didn't want to move departments and was told I could stay there quite a while. When I asked if I could get to the next level from my current job, I was told "it's not impossible". Yikes. That pretty much sounds like "Snowball's chance in hell". I told my boss I guess I had decisions to make and he said I didn't have to. I told him, I want to lead at the next level and no one gets to that job by doing 5 or more lateral moves (I'm on my 4th lateral move) and he didn't say anything - he just looked at me. (His blank look = Yeah, pretty much) I told him I guess now I see the writing on the wall and and I asked why no one has told me this in the last 3 years. Because I've always been told I could achieve this goal, if I worked a few things. So why now when I'm apparently being so successful, is this happening? He said his opinion, no one wanted to tell me because they didn't know what my Plan B was. Really infuriating given I have said many times, if that job isn't for me, just tell me so I can focus on something different. But I was always told it was achievable if I worked a few things. And even though the carrot was still there, the nail really went in the coffin for me when this was said: "things are personal to you and you'll never be able to turn that all the way off."

   

So I guess the door is closed. I guess my passion, high standards, and honesty aren't a good fit. It's hard not to think I have wasted 3 years. Especially 2 years ago when that one person made my life there a living hell and I really wanted to walk away because it was so awful.

It hurts. It really hurts. I really feel like I've been used.  Another thing I really hate about this - I actually really like my boss. I've always thought all of this was coming from others in the group, because I had 2 bosses before him. He's just the only with the guts to be honest with me.

So I am looking around now for the door that opened, when this door closed.