The (kind of) False Alarm Call

A little over a week ago, on Friday, I had pulled into the parking lot of Barnes & Noble when my phone rang. I saw it was a blocked number, which I never receive, I had a feeling. A really strong gut feeling. So I answered it.  It was IowaKidsNet. The lady on the other end wanted to know if we were ready. Oh my gosh. For real? That was fast. Yep, we are. Ok, it will probably be tonight. Gulp. How exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

We are really doing this. We really are going to be trusted to temporarily care for and look after someone else's precious little life (or in this case 2 little lives) What an honor to have this trust bestowed upon us.

Call Brad. Call Mom. Things to Do. Skipping trip to B & N. Turn Key in Car. Car won't start. Brad's in a meeting. Mom didn't answer, Dave didn't answer. Oh boy. Now what? Think! Who is not at work right now? Well, nobody...Because I work a bizarre schedule. My friend Sean is off today! I call his wife. Can you help? We just a call & my car is dead. I learn later she pretty much told him he needed to rescue me and did it in a way it sounded like he needed to leave the house NOW because I was upside down in a ditch. Smile. I love my friends. He rescues me. In his urgent dash out of the house, he forgets jumper cables. Mine are at home. Nice. That's helpful of me.  He takes me home to get the truck.

Call Mom again. What are you doing after work? Nothing? Want to go shopping me with me so I don't buy all of Target out? Yes! She's in.

Work. Geez. I have Saturday, but have to work Sunday & Monday. I text my boss that I may need to be off those days. He says to keep him posted.

I get another call. Maybe a miscommunication. A couple of families were recommended, too. Not sure how this will shake out. Humph. Ok. We'll see how it goes. I lose confidence that the first timers will be up to bat this time around.

Mom & I go to Target anyway. There's always returns, right? Better to be prepared. Breathe. I envy people who have 9 months to prepare for little ones to arrive. We shop. Not in the out-of-my-mind clearing of the shelves kind of  way I want to. I made a list. A specific list. And I pretty much stuck to it. When Brad found out later that we went to Target, he flinched & didn't even want to know the damage. I think he thought he was going to need another job. He was shocked to learn  I actually spent less than $100.

Mom and I go to dinner, Brad is going to meet us. He gets there and I tell him I haven't heard anything. He tells me he got the call at home. Not sure if they are going to need us or not. Won't know until Wednesday. But if they need a family, we are the family. Oh my gosh. Us. They want us to be the family to help. I can't even put my emotions into words.

Tuesday comes. I am to call them to get all of the information so we know what's ahead of us. For an hour I was on the phone learning. And learning.

Wednesday comes. The call comes. It's not going to be today. Some other things are going to happen. She'll call me next week to update me when she has more.

I'll admit. I was actually a little sad. But I am so glad we attended a training that was offered 4 days after we got our license so we can understand the process and the legal system. I have much more of an understanding of what's happening because we attended. Otherwise I might be stone cold crazy with wonder.

After the dust settled, I reflected on two things I hadn't expected. 1). That our training a few weeks ago would come in so handy already - Man, I am thankful we went.  2). I fully expected there would be a wide range of emotion if we end up being needed and when kids are reunited. But I did not expect the go/no go/maybe go on the front end. Didn't see that coming at all. And then I am thankful yet again for our first training a couple of weeks ago. Because at least I understand. And it's ok. They are doing the right thing.

And our friends and family have been AMAZING through this. And more offers of help and supplies have been coming. I could use up all of my "thankfuls" for November on this one topic.

So for now, we do what we do best at Casa de Dellit. We wait.

Life Changing Day

As you may have read on Facebook, we got our foster care license in the mail on Friday, November 5th. We also received our approval to adopt out of foster care. Yes, when I opened the envelope and saw these two pieces of paper, I cried. Finally, a route to parenthood that might actually succeed. A truly life changing day.

This means we are now "dually licensed" and can be utilized as a "concurrent" home. In Iowa the law is that DHS must find a permanent home for children 3 & under in 12 months and if about 18-24 months for children 4 and older. We could be selected to be a foster home for kids that need a foster home, but whose workers are asking for a "concurrent" home. That means that the foster parents may be interested in adopting the kids if they are not able to be reunified with their families. Remember that reunification is always the goal. It just depends on the adults in the situation and if they can get their situations on track.

So we patiently wait for the call of duty...I swear, if there was a waiting club out there somewhere, I could be it's president it in a heartbeat.

We have had so many friends and family offer to help, send clothes, bring clothes, bring supplies, offer daycare referrals, offer advice....It's been wonderful and feels like this is what was meant to be.

A quick update on the other front - We were not able to do IUI this month because my body decided to surprise us and I was out of town for the day. When we can't do the IUI, there is always the old fashioned way. :) If this round doesn't work, we have 3 months remaining we can be on the medication. So again....we wait.

Stee-rike!

 Well, IUI round 2 was not successful. So on to round 3 we go!

One Minute Writer: Twice

Prompt for October 10, 2011: Twice

Most of us remember when gas was half the price it is now. (It wasn't very long ago!) Write about something you'd still buy if it cost twice as much as it costs today.

My answer:

Something not to expensive, since I'm paying double. But something that makes me happy. Yep. Sour Patch Kids.

Delicious Ambiguity

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…”  (Gilda Radner)

After reading this Gilda quote today, it struck me. I hate ambiguity. And I love it too. Weird. I hate not knowing, and love a plan, but I also LOVE surprises. I love when things are clear. And I love it when they are not. It makes life more fun. I guess maybe it all depends what I'm doing.
It's part of what makes this parenthood journey "fun". Will we get pregnant or get our foster license first? Will we have foster kids in our home and then get pregnant? How crazy will that be? What if our foster child is an infant and I get pregnant? Heaven help me. What kind of personalities will our foster kids have? We will get to help the older kids who are getting ready to age out? I really want to. I really hope so. This whole thing is so unclear and no clear answer or direction. I guess for me either route will be the ultimate surprise. Maybe it's why I smile more these days. Sure, I have my days. Tears, moments of self pity, moments of wishing I had the same relationships and moments with my own kids that our friends do. But I find myself telling our story with hope and smiles. We don't know how it will end, or even start for that matter. but it is sure to be fun.

We have embarked on Magic Beans Round 2. Everything about this journey is wrapped up in that Gilda quote. For Round 1's gory details, see here.


So for the next 2 weeks or so. We wait. Again. "Delicious Ambiguity..."

One Minute Writer: Simple/Complex

I thought this an appropriate prompt for today. I have been reading alot tonight about decisions couples make and the stories of others in our same boat.

Then I checked One Minute Writer. The post for today:

Simple/Complex: Write briefly about one thing in your life that is simple, and one that is complex.



Simple: Our desire to have a family


Complex: Our journey in getting there.
 
That pretty much sums it up.

One Revision

We heard from our licensing worker this week. She warned us that it wasn't uncommon for DHS to ask questions and for clarification on foster parenting licensing applications.

She told us they only had 1 revision and that "that is awesome".  YAY!

We sent her the additional information they requested and we continue doing what we do best these days:

We wait.

In the meantime, I will be knocking some of the last things off our list:

• picking out a color for the kids room & convincing Brad to paint for me :)
• picking out a dresser or other storage for clothes
• picking out storage for toys
• checking out daycares in the area
• reading - I bought three books about foster care & parenting other people's children.

20%

                                    
We have been anxiously awaiting the results of our IUI. Over the course of the past two weeks I have been pondering what it would like to be pregnant, what kinds of changes we are going to have to make if this works, and to be honest, I've spent some time being a scared of the next 18 years. Brad continues to be the best partner through this adventure, continuing to reassure me that I will be able to figure out everything that comes with parenthood.

I got a call from the doctor's office on Friday that my progestrone test came back at 19. They like it to be double digits and because it was, I can continue the same dose of Femara if the IUI isn't successful. The nice thing about this is that on the Clomid, it got up into the 50s and I started to have a lot of side effects from the drug. This has been a much more friendly version on my body.

On Saturday we got our results, well I got "it', at 4:30am. I thought I would be ok with it, but not so much. I got to work the next morning and run into one of my partners who said I didn't look excited to be at work. Then it comes, the quivering lip & tears. Luckily he knows what we are going through and since I didn't throw myself on the ground in sobbing tears, he didn't run away. He just sat down on the desk and said the most perfect thing ever: "I'm sorry. I remember being in that situation. I know nothing I can say can make you feel better".

When I got home from work, Brad asked how my day was. I told it was good, but that I was sad. Then he said & did the most perfect thing ever: He wrapped his arms all the way around me in a big bear hug and said "I know. I'm sad, too. I've been thinking about it all day". 

So we are sad. But I have surrendered to what I can and cannot control in this process. I more firmly believe that when we take a step forward, sometimes, even often, we will take two steps back. I just have to be ok with that. Some moments, days or even weeks are still really hard, but I just keep breathing and keep walking on.

I have done some research to see what our chances are. I want to be educated but I try not to do too much digging and be obsessive about it. I did find that the chances of IUI working are about 10% -20%, which are increased slightly when using fertility meds and even then it can take several IUIs.

So this month we will start round 2 of the medication.

Magic Fertile Beans

I'm not sure what's between rated PG13 and R, but I feel this post in somewhere in between :)

After my thyroid was under control, my doctor in Iowa City told me that I could start on the new fertility drug, Femara and then try the IUI process at the same time. I can only be on the drug for about 6 months, and she said "if it's going to happen it will likely  happen in the first 3 months." If this doesn't work, then we have to seriously rule in or out going through IVF. So here's the next comedic chapter.
Earlier this month, I unwent another procedure, called an IUI. Basically it takes out the "romantic" part of making babies. It can be hard through this process to not feel very institutional because of all of the proper medical terms, hard metal medical tables, and giant names for procedures. (There is no talk of wee-wees and va-jay-jays during times like these.). So I have lovingly termed my eggs, "my magic beans" and Brad's *ahem* contribution, "his magic beans".  You will find, not for my embarrasment of proper medical terms, but for my sanity throughout this process, I rarely will use the proper medical term. It allows me to laugh that way. And thank goodness for Brad and my sister Jessica and the silliness they add to this mahem.

In a nutshell, when  you go in for an IUI, they take his magic beans, check them, and spin them so that only the "good stuff" is left. The nurse then takes them and drives a tube, well, you can guess where.

You would think that during such a trying time in our lives that an experience like this wouldn't be hilarious. But of course it's me, so it can't be simple.

We are at the doctor's office with his magic beans and Brad jokes, "hopefully they can take out any that are running into each other because they are stupid". And of course he uses his fingers to demonstrate the little guys running into each other.  Then after the 15 minutes they need to spin his beans down, they call me back. Brad didn't come back. I don't blame him, but I told him if this works, he's going to have to get used to this. The super nice nurse tells me, "They look really, really good. Number is good. They are all swimming the right direction." I almost busted out laughing. Well, at least there weren't any stupid ones.

So then I climb on the awesome, cold, metal table and put my feet in the comfy (not) cups. The nurse introduces to the medical intern who (I don't know how) looks more uncomfortable about being there than I do. Then we start, The nurse starts the procedure by driving a medical instrument into a place that's not all that comfortable. And she can't find my cervix. What?  Where did it go? This is no time for a vacation. Finally after poking and prodding, she finds it. Then says, "it looks beautiful". Omg. Seriously? Did she just compliment me while inches from my girl parts on my "beautiful cervix?"

Then. UGH. A couple of attempts with the giant plastic tube. Then she peers over the paper blanket between me and her and says, I'm going to get the doctor because it doesn't want to go in easily and we can use an instrument to open the path, but she's better at using it than me. She was so sweet and I felt better that she was stopping where her expertise ended versus just jamming that thing into my flesh.

While's she's gone, the intern stands there with her arms crossed in the uncomfortable "what should I do pose". She looked more terrified than I felt and she didn't have a couple of medical instruments hanging out of her...well, you know. So I break the ice..."Where are you going to school? How are you liking it?". Anything to dial down the ackward tension and silence she was exhuding.

Then the nurse comes back with the doctor. And wouldn't you know. It's doctor "You're no spring chicken". You have to be freaking kidding me.  Am I on Candid Camera? She plops into position and tells me, you're going to feel a pinch. The nurse explains that the doctor is going grab the edge of the opening into my uterus  to get the tube in. The nurse patted my knee and excitedly said, "This might be your problem. Things will come out but opening it's being friendly for things going in". Well, that makes complete sense. Everything seems to be perfect, but if his beans aren't making it to my beans, well, that would explain alot.

OUCH! That was certainly a pinch. I actually felt her "grab" it. I hope no woman has to feel that. Yikes! "You're going to feel some cramping when I get in there". As I want to curl up into the fetal position. Yep, definitely cramping. You're definitely there. Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.

Then it just gets more glamourous. They shove a sponge, well, you know where and tilt you up so your hips are up in the air to let gravity do it's thing. So I sit for 15 minutes.

Then the nurse comes back in and tells me I can go. I could tell she wanted to hug me. "Good Luck!" she says. And sends me on my way.

I meet Brad back in the waiting room. I tell him about how his beans are all swimming the right way. He laughs. Then I tell him, simply: Be nice to me. I have been violated.

And so we wait.

Cue Tom Petty:
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

One Minute Writer: Paper Bag

One Minute Writer: Paper Bag
Before my daughter's first day of school, the teacher gave each student a small, brown, paper lunch bag. They were each instructed to come to school the first day with one special item in the bag--something they wanted to show the rest of their class.

I would roll down the sides of the paper bag and take my Chihuahua, Sammy. My wonderful husband picked him out for me 4.5 years ago. I always wanted a little dog I could cuddle with. He provides such unconditional love and has gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life. :)  I would like to share him with those who haven't met him.