Endless Waiting

We attended an informational session for the foster care adoption process on Tuesday night. It was a great session to learn more about the system, the process, what the kids go through. We had decided before we went, that we are not interested in fostering at this time. We just aren't sure if we could do it, with our schedules, and because it really takes a special person to do it.

The lady had me getting more excited until she uttered these words: If you are an adoptive only family, it can be very difficult to get kiddos. Her reason was that all of the kids have to be in the foster system for at least some time before they are adopted...I thought, well, duh. This is about the foster care system, right? I would expect that. She talked about how the goal of foster care now is to get the parents on track to make good decisions and get the kids back home. Then if the parents can't take them back, they go 7 generations to see if the family wants/can take them. If not and parental rights are terminated, they go up for adoption and are placed based on the needs of the child. Now, if she had said, after you take out the kids that go home or go back to a family member, there's only 1% of kids left, that would have made sense. But that's not how she described it. And 1000 kids are adopted in IA out of foster care every year. That seems like a lot to me.

Then, she brought over all of the paperwork I sent in in February. I thought she would have sent it in by now to do the background and fingerprint checks so we could sign up for the 10 week classes. Nope. They go in now. So then I got a bit excited when she said the next class starts May 24th and is on Tuesday nights. Perfect. Then she burst my bubble when she said you can't sign up until your checks come back which can take up to 6 weeks - By then there may not be availability. I asked her why it was so difficult if you are an adoptive only family and her answer was: because we don't have a crystal ball - she said she knows people who received a child within a year and some who have waited three. She said it does happen, but it can be a while.

I went into the meeting very hopeful and very excited and left sad and feeling defeated, like this journey will never end. I even said to Brad on the way home: If this next round of fertility meds & correcting my thyroid doesn't work, then maybe we weren't meant to do this.

Private adoption is still out there, but it can cost anywhere from $7k - $40k, even for domestic. While my work has an adoption assistance program, we'd have to fall on the lowest end of that dollar amount to be able to do it.

I know I should be patient, that this will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end, but I often wonder, should I be getting a message that I'm not seeing? Everyone tells us we'd be great parents, but maybe we aren't supposed to be.

I even opened up to the idea of foster care more after the meeting. I also didn't know there is respite foster care, which is for a very short time (few days to couple of weeks). Both of these would be extremely hard, but my gut just keeps telling me that we were supposed to go to this meeting and learn more about this. Brad however, is not bought into the idea at all. And when we left the meeting, he was un-phased. He just thinks well, we'll be able to do this the natural way then. I'm clueless to his confidence. I hope the thyroid correction fixes our infertility, but it may not be the problem. I figure we just wait and see - but I don't have the same level of confidence he does - again no crystal ball.

I try to really hard to not have a pity party every time we hit a bump in the road. I try remember we have our health, our families, and we really have been fortunate to live the life we have. I remember my friends who have had cancer, Nicole, who's battling it now. But the thoughts just creep in what a crock this seems to be. And now there are not one, but two people at work who are pregnant. As usual I'm really happy for her, but geez. Why are some people deemed to be parents of 2, 3, even 6 or 7 kids, and we have pursued 2 routes and don't seem to deserve even one.

And then I kick myself for being such a Debbie Downer. My blog used to be filled with the exciting adventures we had. Lots of pictures of the dogs. But my camera isn't very good. The one my phone totally sucks, even though it's supposed to be great. Now my blog is overrun with these updates and I feel like it's always doom and gloom. We don't get to have many weekend adventures because of my schedule. (What I'm going to do with my job is a whole other story for another time.)

I know this will pass, but today I'm just a little sad. I really am feeling heartbroken. I feel a bit like this guy.